Husband says he doesn't want to parent

Sounds like you have three DC……..DH needs to step up and take full responsibility…….kids come with all manner of demands and needs, it’s not all about the fluffy nice bits in life.

This is a tough mix of things. Sound like he might be compartmentalizing in a way that feels completely rational to him. Also sounds like he might have not taken the time with the children to build his relationship and skills with them and hasn't learned to enjoy time with them and the cycle of not managing has put him off.
Are there toddler groups in your are that he might engage with? These are play focussed and there's lots of opportunities to enjoy the kids.
Is he only dealing with them when they and him are tired?
Maybe the key might be really considering his experiences of being parented, what he wants to reproduce or make different. If one or both of your children has AuAdhd his insight might be invaluable into the future if he can develop it. There's lots of relevant information online.

This ⬆️.
His attitude and behaviour are seriously impacting your children's lives and he won't improve. The children will suffer.
There really isn't a future.

It’s not about the kids. It’s about his career. He’s a high achiever. When a founder sells they lose a part of themselves and their identity. He’s rebelling against the idea of being “dad” because he doesn’t just want to be a dad. He’s discovering his purpose again - give him a bit of time. It may be a bit of an ick, but he’s done a lot more than the average person.

Under 5 being feral is not normal it’s lazy parenting from both of you! Start making clear boundaries for them and stick to them, this means both of you! If their behaviour improves he may well feel happier.

I know several ND fathers who are amazing parents so please don't make any excuses for your DH.

How does your DH suggest funding his full time 5 year degree plus living expenses for 5 years as he will be living away from home? I cannot actually believe he has even suggested this. 5 years absent from his family. I think we all know there is a strong possibility that he will never come back home.

Your poor kids. If it were me I would be divorcing him now. Otherwise you may end up in a shit load of debt when he's bled you dry to finance his uni course plus the possibility of running up thousands and thousands of pounds in uni fees.

No wonder you've got the ick. I couldn't have any respect for a man like this. I promise you that you and the kids will be so much happier without this loser in your life.

God it just makes me so mad when I read about mamby pamby men who can't step up and be a present, proper parent because it’s all just too much for the dears. I brought up two children alone with no co parenting and yes it’s hard but I’m not a mamby pamby wet lettuce.

Leave him, he's a waste of space. Have the nanny and be free of this selfish lump.

These were my thoughts. What are you gaining by having him in your life?
Does he want to be in your life? Do you want this version of him there?

Who's getting the double helpings of your love- I'm hoping it's the DCs, not the selfish abusive DH?

He was very shaming and mean to my son the other day when changing his nappy and i really didn't like it, i have expressed my unhappiness
What did he say when you expressed your unhappiness? I mean, what excuse can a grown man have for being mean and shaming a baby/toddler?

At this point. If you're hiring a live in nanny and you have a cleaner, what do you even need him for?

I'd go off my fucking nut, tell him what a shit father he is being, point out that you already resent him and if he keeps behaving like he hates being with his children, those children will end up hating him right back.

Then I'd tell him he either needs to step up and at least try to enjoy his children or step out now because quite frankly, the child maintenance will be more use than he is.

Oh boofuckinghoo the poor diddums. Tell him he's only got 2 children to look after whilst you seem to have 3 and if he can't manage to do it whilst being married then to think on about how hard he's going to find it when the divorce happens. I can't abide men who act like useless pricks at home but seem to manage their ever-so-important jobs with no hesitation what-so-ever.

Absolutely, having ND doesnt mean you cant learn new skills and make changes. Otherwise he's just written off. He chose to have a family life, chose to have a partner and children, that comes with responsbilities and duties which he will just have to get on with and perform.

If not, then he's out.

There is a lot about him, what he wants, what he has done or hasn’t. Very little about you and your wants. Yes hire a nanny but that won’t resolve the situation. Deffo don’t have a third with him at this point and get yourself some therapy because your wellbeing is equally important

same here its why im child free by choice

Tell him you don't find this attitude attractive

Very easy answer. Just tell him you don't want to be his wife anymore and start divorce proceedings!

First post nails it.
tell him to man the fuck up or he’ll be looking after them SOLO 50/50

i loathe men like this. Utter pricks.

He needs to sort out his priorities by being a good Dad to his children, providing for his family, finding work immediately. Tell him that at the moment he is failing badly according to hundreds of us on mums net. He is a burden at the moment ,he needs to up his game and quickly. At the moment his effort is very poor. Tell he has 4 weeks to deal with outstanding issues otherwise he will be prat of the year 2026.

I think you need to accept the fact that this man doesn’t want to be a parent. He went along with being a parent when there were zero expectations of him parenting and now the roles have reversed, he’s rebelling. What made you think that this man would be a good parent? There’s nothing about his view on life that suggests that he would be. His autism isn’t an excuse but probably goes a long way to explain why he is now struggling.

No one benefits, especially your children, from this man being responsible for your children. Hire help and mourn the family life you thought you were building with this man. He’s a decorative parent, the one you wheel out for family photos but anything practical and he’s off.

This man is clearly telling you that he doesn’t want to parent, for you and your children’s sake, listen.

I literally hated being a parent of two under 5,
small kids are so hard, I'm autistic also and I wonder if he's getting very overwhelmed with the way that young kids are not at all predictable. That's not me giving him an excuse, just that the solution might be rooted in that somehow. For me I'm a single parent so I had to get on with it but it was ROUGH. A routine and a schedule helped me and might be useful if he could come up with one? Unstructured time with my two when they were young always ended up in overwhelm and chaos. I literally felt like I could not think ant all and wanted to go and bury myself in a hole for the entire first 5 or so years of parenthood. Autism and small kids can be a difficult combination.

I think I’d just spend the nanny money on a divorce lawyer. I’d rather my kids were around someone who doesn’t like parenting only half the time. You might even get EOW as it doesn’t sound like he would want or try for 50:50.

“Double helpings of love” doesn’t undo his inadequate parenting unfortunately so I would try to limit their exposure to him as far as possible.

You’re not wrong to feel overwhelmed, but you are glossing over your own role here: you chose to re-enter work knowing your partner was already struggling, then seem surprised that the load shifted and exposed cracks that were always there. Parenting two under-5s is brutal, yes but framing the kids as “feral” and your husband as the sole problem avoids asking whether expectations, communication, and shared responsibility were ever honestly reset before you changed the family dynamic.

I agree. It’s amazing how ND mothers seem to find a way whilst ND fathers fall by the wayside.

No one enjoys parenting 2 under 5s. However he could use his imagination and if he has a hobby or something he likes doing he could make it a child friendly version and take them out for the day to do it.

If he doesn’t put the work in now then I can assure him that when dc get to an age he does enjoy being with them they won’t give him the time of day.

Good woman.
No point in faffing about trying to change him.
He's just another lazy selfish arsehole who thinks a label can excuse him from the admittedly tough years of rearing children.

Just one word of caution, don't be lulled into the false narrative of feral children is inevitable.
It isn't.
Get a kind, calm, experienced nanny who is firm and capable of controlling your children and instilling some necessary boundaries with your help.
Live in preferably.

Feral children don't disappear, they get worse and worse and it is 100% the parents fault.

I had a son who was a demon, a bolter, and stubborn to boot.
It took a lot of effort but I simply wouldn't tolerate it.
Within a few years he grew out of it because I simply wouldn't tolerate it.
He is the loveliest young man aceing his Chemical Engineer Masters at a top university.
I have seen feral children not succeeding in life because of gentle parenting that couldn't control them.

Boundaries, routine and love provide children with the security to grow into healthy young people.

Choose the Nanny wisely to help you with this and educate yourself too.