Husband says he doesn't want to parent

I once met a guy who was 43 and had just started an undergrad degree. He worked part time in a bar. He said to me he usually dates “younger women”. I mean at 37 I was younger than him - but I assume he meant women younger than me.

He was trying to make me feel grateful for approaching me, but after further questioning I worked out the guy had no financial stability or any real career history AND he was living with his ex.

I essentially told him he would be a liability in my life and if I wanted to date a penniless student that couldn’t contribute, I too could date younger like he “normally does”

Honestly (some) modern men are the real golddiggers - they will drain you of your resources then walk away to “find themselves” with a younger woman. They don’t want to do the domestic work or be reliable providers. Pointless.

OP, you really need to start asking yourself what he brings to the table now and what he will bring to the table as a full time student for 5 years.

I agree with those posters who are saying he's actively looking for a way out of the entire marriage. He has completely checked out.

Hire the nanny.
Keep working.
Get divorced and do it soon.

Plan a future without him. He is definitely planning one without you or the children, and his full time student status will mean you might even end up supportinghim, or that he has no income on which to base child support payments.

He's not depressed. He's sulking.

Tell him you don't feel like bedroom duty any more, that his selfishness and attitude to the children is a massive turnoff, and you won't be doing housework either, because it isn't fulfilling for you. Tell him you expect him to pick up your slack.

Do not give up your career.
Do not let him get away with refusal to parent.

Sounds like it'd make sense for him just to go back to work as full time as possible?? 80+ hours a week, or whatever he did before?

Then hire a nanny and keep the kids in daycare and you keep working?

If he didn't want to parent he should have thought of that before he had kids, it's a bit late now! He needs to get his act together

Of course. Father does not wish to parent and it’s her fault for “shifting the dynamic” and expecting a father to PARENT HIS OWN KIDS.

The bar is in hell.

I dont understand whether people (mostly dads but some mums as well, that ive seen here) think that parents who go to baby groups/rhyme time/soft play/farms etc, or play tea parties/matching pairs are actively enjoying it themselves, every single time ....rather than realise theyre finding a way of entertaining a child and therefore they will (hopefully) be easier to manage.
DH often found DIY tasks or work to do at weekends that conveniently absolved him of doing a lot of the mundane things with toddlers. The idea that having children sometimes meant you couldn't do all the things you wanted seemed quite an alien concept!

In your title, OP, you state that DH has said that he doesn’t want to parent. How did that conversation go? Were those his actual words? Has he said he regrets having the kids? Or that he doesn’t like being a parent?

I found the pre-school age a bit unrelenting as a parent. Did not really enjoy it. I think I did a reasonable job, but I was definitely short with them sometimes and lacked energy and enthusiasm quite a lot. I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. Of course I actually did things with them, which seems like he isn’t. And I didn’t abdicate responsibility to my DH all the time without any thought to what he needed. But I would have way preferred someone else did most of it. I’m wondering if you’ve had a conversation with him where you point out he needs to suck it up to be a father they will love when they’re past the stage of seeing you two as their whole world. Have you talked at all about parenting as a project to build future adults? I don’t know that this will make a difference, especially given his plan to go to uni in a way that ignores you all. But it might be worth having that conversation if you haven’t already.

Think that is called weaponised non parenting. So you take it off him which by the sounds of it you are thinking of doing. He needs to understand he would be much worse off divorced. He pulls out his finger & partakes in family life or go your separate ways. Wonder if he has or orchestrated this not working move, so if you did divorce he is the stay at home parent you might have to pay for that.
I had a friend whose husband got her to sell their house & rent somewhere. He was having an affair but no house to split when they divorced.

He's not bringing anything to the table that you need to live in the same house for.

Well of course! No (acceptable) option but!

Children do not enjoy running riot and being feral
They feel safer and more secure with firm, loving guidelines so they know how to behave. It’s easier to establish those guidelines early on and it’s imperative both parents are on the same page.
In the absence of an interested father, choose all your paid help with care and with that in mind, as it sounds like your DH is checking out and is letting them down. He just doesn’t care for being with them at this age and is also planning to leave you all soon.
At least you know that and can plan around it and be ready.
The more work put into early childhood parenting, the better it pays off later. So use as much carefully chosen, paid child care help now, while you still have him to pay. And continue to plan your career so that you are financially independent in the longer term.

Yeah, most of us just crack on with it, don't we? This bloke won't.

Totally agree with this: it’s a bit of a well-kept secret.

I pretty much guarantee he will meet somebody else on that course with the same interests. That understands his need to just not be a dad. Basically while you become the boring old nag that forces him to be a father.
It’s a very old tale/script.
he is literally planning his escape

Just saw the uni thing... That will only work as a family if you all move near to the university. That could actiually work quite well if he does school drop offs etc around the hours he has to be in lectures (which are rarely onerous (I am a lecturer)). If he's living out hours away from the family home you may as well split, he has no interest in being a husband or father.

To be blunt. An awful lot of parenting young children is dull. Lots of people don't particularly enjoy it, male and female. He just has to suck it up. Enjoy the good bits. And know it gets significantly easier in a couple of years time.

I’ll be honest: I don’t see the adjectives “strong willed and emotional” as “gorgeous and amazing” adjectives to describe kids. I’m neurodiverse as well and I imagine I’d find this bloody exhausting.

People are pretty much mature at 25. If they aren’t, then stop hoping. It is beyond futile to imagine someone in their thirties with children will change. They won’t.

OP one thing I have learned as I got older is just live for the here and now to some extent. I wouldn't worry about the uni thing yet as he ,by your own admissions, likes new shiny things gss , so the idea may fade. Also lots of hoops to get through to get a uni place, he may or may not get one. My DD1 wanted her husband to go back to uni as the course he did initially didn't really give him a job with a good income or promotion opportunities. He now has a really good job but they split for unrelated reasons. Also lot of courses are only a few hours "taught" so also may not be backwards and forwards so much.
IMO men take an extra 10 years to grow up, so as time goes on he may mature?

Um, no. He shouldn't have had children if he was going to refuse to parent. Even if OP pressured him into children (as to be fair, some women do) he should just have said no and split up then rather than when the children were born. I do sympathise with not wanting children, but not with wanting them and failing to parent them.

No. No, he doesn't. He is a deadbeat loser, not a 'typical man'. I don't understand why these people have kids when they don't want them. I don't want kids, they are too much like hard work, so I never had any.

Get your ducks in a row to do it without him. Don’t sound like he brings much to your family life now. So why stay in this sham when he’s leaving in 2 years. Plan to have your own life then too.

I listened to a programme about child psychology recently and it said that "parent" changed from a noun or title to a verb in the middle of the last century....I think a lot of men havent noticed that....
My female ndn told me her DH was very good once his dc got to an interesting age (eg 6 or 7) and he could take them swimming etc.....aka opting back in when the tricky part was over.

I strongly suspect my own DH has ADHD (both his brothers are ND) He liked the idea of having kids, in fact he was probably more enthusiastic than me to start a family. He said he wanted 4 . Weve got 2 teens and i feel like ive parented alone a lot of the time.
I remember leaving him with both DC, one eve, when they were under 5 . The next morning when I got DS out of his cot he had smears of dinner over his face. Id told DH they didnt need a bath....so he'd not bothered even washing their face or brushing their teeth!

Oh boo hoo poor man. Thoughts and prayers to him. It’s not so much he doesn’t ‘just’ want to be a dad, it sounds like he doesn’t want to be a dad full stop.