In wanting DH to go to bed early

He sounds incredibly selfish. Once kids arrive its not on to continue living like a teenager

That just sounds deeply unattractive tbh.

Right. Why accept it at a? Presumably he manages to get up for work perfectly fine?

Is there a reason he doesn’t want to parent his own children?

Have you ever suggested that one night a month he tries going to bed earlier on a Friday night to see if it helps him wake with the kids on Saturday? He seems to want to get up…

My husband is the same. We don’t have a biological child together but I know 100% that he could sleep through a crying child in another room. He sleeps so deeply and heavily that if the child was in our room and crying, it would take him an age to wake up and he would be extremely grumpy as a result. Anything disturbing his sleep makes him wildly angry. It’s one of the reasons I didn’t want more children with him. A small one - but it was a factor because it is WILDLY annoying. It feels very precious when one partner gets to manage their needs perfectly.

We do have dogs though and my husband is very aware that I manage their early morning needs disproportionately and he will set his alarm to give me a break if I ask for one. I’m a natural early riser and like you, once I’m awake I am AWAKE and can’t get back to sleep. When I’m very shattered I ask him to pre-empt the dogs skittering and whining for a wee by setting an alarm and he cheerfully does, because he loves me.

Dinner ready for when he gets in, then it's lights out at 11- no exceptions, he is running himself and you into the ground.

He needs to be on night duty and tend to the kids when they wake up. I bet he will start to go to bed much earlier. Tell him you have done it for years, you're exhausted and it's his turn now.

😂😂😂

Are you on the wrong site or something? You should know by now everything has the nuclear option!!!

I’m honestly boggled at the idea of divorce because you can’t be a lay in. He won’t believe it because it’s ridiculous 😂

OP only posted for ideas about how she could get a lay in. She hasn’t been given any reasonable ones, and that’s fine. Not all problems have a solution.

Have you actually given him an ultimatum, i.e. you need to change this behaviour or the marriage will be over? And if he doesn't change then perhaps start the process e.g. talk to solicitors, get the house valued, and tell him about it. That might be the kick up the bum he needs.

Failing that, and I know it sounds drastic, but could you stay somewhere else temporarily with the kids such as with parents or a relative? Just leave DH on his own completely and maybe that will make him see sense that you are serious about leaving if he doesn't get his shit together.

At the moment he won't change because he believes that you will just continue as you are and that you won't actually leave him. He's taking you for granted basically and he needs a bit of a shock.

Why can't you put the cot in his room and go away for the weekend?

You had two children with him, why do that if you couldn't trust him to parent the first one? He doesn't have to parent exactly like you do but you are giving him the option to never try.

Then I think you need to be angry with him when he can’t get up for the kids and make this connection explicit.

Keep a wet flannel by the bed to use to wake him up. Even if it means you’re wide awake too, it’s important that he doesn’t just get to get away with it. Wake him up, kick him out of bed to deal. Lie in bed and seethe for a while, and later on in the day, have a go at him for going to bed so late he wasn’t able to get up without you being a physical alarm clock.

YANBU.

Some people are more night owls, but if it means they can’t pull their weight they need to change. I think it’s easy if someone gets away with not changing for that to become a habit and for them to not really click as to the cost to whoever they’re affecting. But unless he’s a git in other ways, this probably just needs you to be very clear and consistent for a while.

He can get up for work, so he can get up for his DC.

But you will probably have to tell him you're off to a friend or hotel every Friday night until he figures out to go to bed earlier or suck it up and get up after 4 hours of sleep.
Put the younger DC cot in his room.
Actually go to the friend or the hotel. He will do it. Sounds like he is not an arse enough to neglect the DC, just you.

I have had to do all the morning parenting but I also travel for work, so dh does it then, and I would at least get some time in a hotel. And he did all the middle of the night stuff after the ebf phase ended. Now the dc sleep in but need help with bits for school and lunches sometimes and whatnot. I still do almost all morning stuff.

I read that as "wanking or gaming" 😂

@soupyspoonI know exactly how anxious she might feel. That was me a number of years ago. In my experience they don't hear, because they don't have to. I used to live a somewhat similar life to OP. But now we take turns getting up at the weekend. I go away overnight with friends sometimes and everyone is safe and well, fed and watered.

Agree with @Neurodiversitydoctor - you will have to harden your heart a bit somewhere along the way, which includes the toddler crying longer than you would prefer until things settle

Take the child to him and go back to bed The reason this is difficult is that once she’s clapped eyes on me dd clings like a limpet. You have to prise her off, she runs back, she cries and gets very worked up. It’s difficult.

So previously you have stayed there with the baby in his room while he goes back to sleep ? Fuck that. Yes peel the toddler off place the screaming child on his bed. The reason she clings is because they are not used to each other that needs to change.

Can you imagine how anxious OP might feel though that the children would be neglected or something happens becuase he just sleeps through

I believe OP when she says he wont hear the kids crying and wont wake up

@TicklishHedgehog I haven't read to the end so this may have been suggested. If finances allow, could you book yourself into a local hotel? Premier Inn is 12 o'clock checkout. Let him get on with it and you can lie in as long as you like. 😉

Exactly and then command it to start again when he turns it off and trys to sleep again

I like the Alexa idea, if you have one. Then at the first stirrings, you command “Alexa, play Walking on Sunshine in Dave’s room at volume 11”

I get a lot of what you're saying

I think some of the above suggestions though are to enact change, not be the initial solution as that takes longer

So yes, you will have woken up to manage some of that already and this might go on for some weeks/months but its about forming a habit within him taht he is going to be awake and engaging with the children at 6am.

After a while you start to change the routine again so that the focus from the children is on him, not you.

OP you have asked if anyone has been in this situation and if they have found a solution.

I have.

When DD was 6 months old and BF, DH said I would like to give you a lie-in but I can’t, can I?

I said yes you can, when the baby wakes up you go and get her and change her nappy. Bring her to me in bed. I feed her in bed. You take her downstairs after she is fed and I stay in bed.

The very next day he did exactly that. From that point on, we each got a lay in at the weekend. The parent getting up sorted the kids (we went on to have one more) and kept them away from the sleeping parent.

DH sleeps better than me, more deeply, snores. But he has kids. So he wakes up and gets up when he needs to. Your DH could too.

He’s choosing not to - THAT is the issue. Can you tell him how it makes you feel, how irrelevant he must consider your needs, how he must really rate himself above you? Tell him it’s about the fundamentals of your marriage, not just sleep.

When your DH has work, how does he wake up then? If he can mange that, anything else is just an excuse to sacrifice you and prioritise himself.

Has he got an alexa in the room he sleeps in?

I would set it to come on blasting when you need him to get up

Or put other clocks around to go off, one after the other after the other

Or when you have to get up with the little one, as you say your 6 year old doesnt really wake up either, you go into his room, lie in the bed with the little one and have quite a loud morning

Mine wouldnt wake up and hear children either so I know what thats like, would sleep through various alarms too.