I want my 24 year old son to leave home...

@SENhelp50 you’re not the thread police and you can’t possibly diagnose a stranger on the basis of a few lines typed on a screen. A few people have “agreed” with my post so I’m not alone in my opinion.

I imagine in the last year more women had to deal with difficult adult sons than actually get murdered though.

Why can’t he get a job?

My reading of the situation is the OP is trying to show she's already sacrificed a lot to send her son to private school when she was a single parent, and already spent a lot of time and energy facilitating his schooling, two lots of uni (which he dropped out of) and now has been paying for him to live to age 24 with nothing back, even in terms of just sharing the load at home or even keeping things tidy.

It's very important he doesn't carry on in this entitled way for ever, as it won't be tolerated by other people, like flatmates, or a partner, who strangely aren't queueing up for men who live with their mums and treat them badly, don't pay and don't have a job.

In an ideal world, the OP's son would have other supportive adults around him, it sounds like he has uncles and other family members, he may be depressed, but sitting at home, not working (not volunteering, going part-time or claiming UC) and probably gaming night and day won't lift his depression for sure.

You can love someone without enabling them, and letting someone live in your home for ever with no requirement to pay, clean, work or contribute is enabling, and won't shift him towards independence. She's tried the softly softly approach, it's not worked, she's running out of those options.

If you have a large wider family, all well educated and supportive, surely you tell them that you are being coercively controlled and financially abused by him and now consequently beginning to suffer depression, and they will then rally round and firmly help sort him out with new lodgings, jib centre and budget advice, fresh cv and guidance towards work.

Ask them for help to provide that short sharp shock that you think will kick start him to launch himself OP, before this situation really drains you completely.

That's good. Many sons are aggressive to their mothers.

Then set him a deadline and specific things he MUST do or move out and stick to it. Or continue to put up with what you are currently putting up with. Those are the options.

Bahahahaha! Super privileged, tone deaf, clueless person says what?

I’m going to call a spade a spade…yr son is a self-centered, unmotivated bludger. He appears totally unconcerned how his lifestyle choices (and they are choices) affect you, as long as his lifestyle is being funded by someone else, why would he change?

At 24, this is going to take some sorting, & I imagine he’s going to push back with all he’s got.

First up he’s got to find work, if he’s out of the house each day, at least you’ll get some sort of break from him. Then he pays board, who does he think he is to expect a free ride 😳 I’m astounded by his sense of entitlement. Save his board and use it as a deposit on a flat, it may well take awhile, and employment longevity doesn’t seem to be in his realm of consciousness.

I suggest, you have to toughen up, granted, I’m not in your situation, but to consider selling your home to be rid of him - heck!! He’ll be back to stay in yr garage if u haven’t a spare bedroom and you don’t say NO!

Although I am completely on your side and feel this is an awful situation, this is completely irrelevant:

He has had the best education independent and prep schools along with GCSE and A'level at grammar school in Bucks. -He learnt the violin from age 4 to 16 (with my weekly attendance at his lessons up to 11);

Children need more than just a good education and it’s surprising that you’ve mentioned his education multiple times but nothing else about his upbringing - how long has he been like this, where is his dad, does he have siblings etc?

@Firefly1987 I also have sympathy for his Mum though, her son is refusing to be an adult and just expecting her to provide for him. I don’t know how adults can treat their parents like that. although I do know a couple of them IRL. Their Mums are incredibly nice and they get walked all over by their adult children. 🤷

Mate, you are not being unreasonable. The way I read this is you’ve done the most but the next thing you need to do as a mother is let this boy grow into a man. Hard as it is that’s our job. Cut him loose, let him fuck up (we all do) just guide him with compassion from afar and let him live.

In the last year more women were killed by their sons than by strangers. Your son may be a little darling, but many are not, and mothers can pay the ultimate price. You should just be thankful you've never found yourself in OP's position, rather than berating those who are sticking up for her.

Pack his bags and change the locks. You’ve let him walk over you. Why would he change. He’s entitled to UC btw.

He has been told he does not qualify for JSA, as he does not have enough NI credits

I’m not sure JSA is a thing anymore and it’s all classed as universal credit.

If he’s not working and not in education then he’d 100% be entitled to UC to help him find a job (it may not be much if he’s living at home). But it would mean him having to go into the job centre and have appointments and actually look for work.
He can apply online.

My first port of call would be to stop paying for things for him - does he have a mobile phone? Who pays the contract?
Where does he get new clothes from etc?

Does he have any friends?
Does he have a dad?

At 18 you’re a young adult. At 21 you’re a fully grown adult.

I fear he's on a path to permanently damaging his relationship with his mother. This isn't a one way street, you know.

The very very least he will be able to get, from when he enters his claim, is £320 odd a week, no housing as he lives with you, he could apply for UC tomorrow.

Then he could give you £100 a month (1/3rd) and keep £200 a month, £100 for himself and £100 for his deposit for rent, and dig himself out that way within a year.

I'm shocked at some of these heartless replies. I couldn't do that to my son in a million years. I accept op's son is not contributing as he should but even some of the terminology used here - bin bags as opposed to suitcases - it's just horrible.

He may not get contribution based JSA but he should get Universal Credit, I think your son is pulling the wool over your eyes.

Give him a warning with set boundaries including contributing not only financially to the householf but also taking some responsibility in the home. If he doesn't, chuck him out and change the locks.

OP have you heard of the app "Hub of hope?" it is an excellent resource that brings together all the support services in your area.
I would advise you to have a look on there and see what helps is available to you both esp in light of his ASD needs.
I think you are clearly struggling with the implications of making him homeless.

Ive been through the same I had son and daughter in law they were helping with bills at first which caused arguments I had to clean up there mess cos it was just left they stopped the mony and gave bare amount he got abusive to me council wouldn't do any thing and adviced to call police. But I wouldn't they've gone now but the upset I spoke asked but was ignored

Where do you get 3 years from? He's 24, he's been a fully grown adult for 6 years. 18 year olds still go straight into work, when I was at school many left at 16 and got full-time jobs.

He needs a job and to stop sponging off his mum.

Rent a place out, a bus ride away so he can’t walk back. Take his stuff and put it there. Give him the key. Do this all with love and sincerity. Pay for the first three months. It’ll be worth it. And tell him you’re calling the police if he doesn’t go. Change the locks the second he leaves the house. That’s what I’d do tbh