I want my 24 year old son to leave home...

It sounds as if your ds could be neurodivergent. I get it op. I have a year 12, 17 yo dd, who needs an inordinate amount of input but fails totally to see what’s going on with her. Not only has she been at private school since the start of year 9 because she couldn’t access state secondary education, but she is needing private tutoring in 2 of her 3 A levels (just started on the second), not because of her intelligence as she is very bright, but because her lack of confidence and demand avoidance (likely pathological demand avoidance, PDA) is stopping her from being able to provide positive self talk.

What happened with your ds and university seems similar to what is happening with my dd. He’s failed twice in his eyes and if he has PDA then he’s decided this is now his life, and you’re going to have a hell of a time persuading him otherwise because he won’t listen. Because he can’t listen. His brain won’t let him.

I know you’re wiped out financially. Idk what that looks like. If you can spare cash and (importantly) if he will engage, I would look to pay for an ASD assessment for him. You’ll need to be careful how you put that to him. Mums of kids with PDA can likely help with the wording to discuss this with him that you can write out and learn btw. The cost for my dd’s assessment is £2100 and for this, she will have a diagnosis (if they think she has ASD), recognised by the NHS (ie recognised by the state). This way you can get him to leave and he will have assistance.

If he won’t agree to assessment, I imagine you’re going to have to get incredibly tough with him because he’s taken a firm decision not to take responsibility for himself and to remain the permanent child. He isn’t thinking about you. Only about himself. He isn’t able to think about you. He needs a shock to the system for something to change. Up until now you’ve made idle threats. He’s not taking it seriously.

So you will have to take it seriously and follow through. This means eg giving him a one month notice in writing. Tell him he will no longer live with you after one month. Remind him daily that this is happening so that he knows what to expect. And that he is choosing not to engage with getting an assessment and asking him to leave is for his own good as he can’t languish in your house forever more as you can’t afford it anymore. And when the month is up, change the locks and mean it. He will find somewhere to go by the sound of it. It will possibly be sofa surfing with friends and family, who will then get bored of him and eventually he will work it out. He’s a bright young man.

You don’t sound at all like a stately homes mum btw, apart from the I sacrificed everything for him comments. But I know where you’re coming from. You’re exasperated that all of your efforts and money are being wasted. I totally get that. My dd is scared of failure, made herself ill over her mocks and avoided studying for them because she persuaded herself she is a failure. This results in her telling me she doesn’t care about getting into university (she does). That she doesn’t care if she doesn’t get her A levels (ditto). That if she doesn’t get into university she will go and live in Paris or Thailand (I have explained the caveats to that). That she wanted to drop out and go to college and I’m forcing her to go to school (she wouldn’t have coped at college). This is a tiny snapshot and it’s exhausting.

This is a bit sad. You seem to only have each other and your son is obviously struggling with adult life. However he does need a kick in the ass to get him moving so you're completely right to put him under pressure . He needs to start paying his way and obeying your rules. Has he any skills or anything he likes/is good at? Any job will do for now while he learns/upskills. Unfortunately he needs to learn that he can't rely on you forever .

Some adult children just fail to launch for differing reasons.

He is either lazy, or may have MH issues or perhaps he’s just a bit clueless as to how to take the next step into the world of employment.
If you have spent part of your income on funding private education and have still managed to buy a 3 bed home…then I take my hat off to you!
Presumably you had a well paid career and if so, why are you relying solely on a state pension. Surely, you have a workplace pension to supplement SP.

You son has had 2 placements at Uni, so he will have acceptable levels of standard and A level grades. As a mum (despite being frustrated with his behaviours) perhaps help him look for a role within the Civil Service. It take only 5 mins…I’ve looked and there are a minimum of 3 within Buckinghamshire.

Personally, I think your son now needs a very firm hand and strong guidance to enter the workplace. No more of behaving like a truculent teenager and unwilling to discuss issues that need to be discussed.

I genuinely hope you both find a solution without making him homeless…but if all else fails, then that maybe what needs to be done…but this may break him.

Sorry for your troubles ❤️

Why do you expect so little from a 24 year old?

You can't be serious?

He is 24 years of age.

He needs to leave home.

It is the only way for him to develope and maintain some self esteem.

As he is not inclined to give up his comfort, or abide by simple house rules, he needs to be nudged, followed by a little hand hold, followed by a a little shove, followed by a bigger shove, and ending with a push if needed.

Millions, literally millions, of young people do that every year the world over.

Why not him?

I read that as a polite way of saying he's manipulative.

Join DS to .. House Sitters UK.

Nonsense. He is not the OP's responsibility at 24.

Ask a confident male relative to insist that DS comes to stay with him for a long weekend. (Need help with garden bed etc)
Ask male relative to spell out that your DS needs to progress in leaving home and getting a job.
Organise for an independent career advisor to visit DS while he is staying with his relative.
Ask male relative to check in with DS weekly as to his progress. It has reached a point where you are not effective and you are becoming ill.

Take in a lodger into your third bedroom for a year or two.
Choose someone who is meticulous, pays rent on time and has a regular job.
I think your son needs a role model. He is exposed to just you and you have not been effective in teaching him independence.
State, every month that DS's rent is due. Mark in a very visible spot, chores for him and lodger to do. ie their own washing, cooking for everyone once per week, putting out bins and keeping their room cleaned and bathroom tidy.

Remind DS that he is to move out in XX weeks time.
He will be needing to find accommodation and a job.
Helphim look for both - ie a chicken farm labouring job with housing included.

Interview for a second lodger - with help from first lodger who will also have to share a house with them.

When time is up; pack up son into the garage and move second lodger in. Change the locks.

I didn't say it was necessarily a good idea, but it might be the only one that gets her son out of the house without a court order, and ensures he doesn't end up on the street. If those are the two most important things to the OP.

He can claim uc, contribution or not as a adult wouldn't be able to claim hosing elements as lives with you

He won't pay for it ... we will (tax payers)

So why should his mother fund his life while he takes the piss out of her? He's not a child or even a teenager

Frustrating lack of information from the OP.

I was in this situation with my son when he was 18 and again when he was 23..
I am 67.

He just sat and played xbox all-day paid no rent etc.
On both occasions I found him a flat and I found him a job , helped him pack.
He is now 33 and I maybe see him once every couple years which is fine
He was controlling and life was no fun.

I strongly suggest you don't do this if you actually want to build bridges and have a relationship with your son.

It sounds very much like he might be depressed it's very common after uni,they finish on a high and then it's real life and really easy to get very down if you haven't got an immediate work plan.

"Charmingly difficult".
What exactly do you mean by this OP?

I definitely wouldn’t be selling my home.

OP can you elaborate on your son’s shortcomings? Have read your responses but still not sure about the issues .

He’s your boy , go give him a hug ask him how you and your extended family and clever friends can help him.For all the education in Buckinghamshire and all the wonderful tutoring and blah blah blah,,he probably just needs his mum . Not to judge, just to help . Or yeah kick him out, because he’ll do just fine on his own with all the life skills you have shown him . Take a look at yourself.

You what? is that meant to be a description of me? It's pretty inaccurate just so you know.

I know. I just pointed it out because some women can't see beyond sons as , vulnerable children full of potential, and are so judgey towards women who don't have adult sons like that.

Honestly, OP, I'd put my house on the market and find a lovely one-bed in a nice area. Make it clear you're moving there alone. Someone in my family did this because her 30-year-old son showed no signs of moving out and she couldn't face the aggro. Did him a favour as he finally found himself a girlfriend (now his wife) and got on with his life.