I want my 24 year old son to leave home...

I am so sorry you're having to endure this.

Op, what did your son study at university?
If someone offered him a job, would he accept it? Would he continue to go? or would he drop out of that?

I know someone whose 26-year-old still lives at home and has no job. He did go to university and with difficulty finished it - computer science- but hasn’t been able to find a job. He has top GCSEs and A levels. He now barely leaves his bedroom. He is autistic, so that makes things even more difficult, and is of course now depressed.

There actually aren’t many jobs around these days. My DD was made redundant recently, and it was very hard to find another job. Six months of looking and applying for things.

I know of a situation where a school leaver failed to launch and still, now in his mid thirties, lives at his mum’s 2 bed, rural, council property without contributing a thing to the household or to society.
He has never, ever worked in twenty years.
He shuts himself off in his box room, refuses to talk about his situation, uses his bit of universal credit to buy weed, and to pay for his phone, is aggressive at times when challenged, has not a single friend nor any interests, is unhygienic, unhealthy and rarely leaves the house. He signs on when necessary and proves he has sent off his scant cv to warehouse type jobs country wide, none of which he could ever get to. Nobody at the job centre helps coach him towards a work life, they hardly acknowledge him in fact, he’s just a number to them, a failure. He has fallen through every net.
His pensioner uncle tried to get him a supermarket job years ago by taking him in there and asking to talk to the manager but he had no enthusiasm and no idea how to conduct himself. So his uncle then paid him to do odd maintenance jobs for him and his neighbours to try to help spark him off to earn some sort of living that way, but to no avail.
He is a lost soul with very little hope now, too set in his routine. It’s a very sad life for him, he’s missed out on so much.
His mum, with health issues herself, has always worked part time cleaning in the local care home and has become used to always being in debt and going home to a sink full of dirty dishes where he helps himself to her food when she’s out working. Getting him to ‘leave home’ would be putting him out on the streets as a homeless person, vulnerable to serious addiction and all that goes with it. In spite of her depression and weariness, she refuses to do that. She can only just keep herself going and often needs bailing out by her brother and friends.

OP, I agree this is an urgent situation for you and your DS where you can’t risk delaying any further.
Please turn to your family for help and to give you a break from him. You can no longer be effective in helping him. He isn’t listening to you or respecting you for now. He has been spoon fed his very privileged education but twice, couldn’t cope with university studies and living away from his safe home. That should be a clue to how he must be feeling behind the bravado. Maybe the collective network and understanding wisdom of your family and friends can come up with ideas to help guide him and nudge him out of his comfort zone, before he becomes too settled in his very narrow, unrewarding, lonely life pattern.

i know your son isn’t claiming benefits but even if he were, my feeling is that, in spite of this government’s pledges to help people off benefits and into work, that message doesn't filter down in any constructive way to the civil servants dealing with job seekers. It’s always down to families to intervene and try to support.

My dd had an EHCP. She started uni last September. The support has been crap tbh. No special support for those who had an EHCP. It’s just like a cliff edge.

Yes you are correct but if he had one up to 25 and he was struggling with his course then he would have likely received more support, rather than getting kicked off.
The EHCPs can be used as evidence but the university do not need to follow it.

Without a diagnosis he would receive less support.

An EHCP stops when you go to university.

I read your other thread about him being kicked out of university.

You say he very likely has learning difficulties and struggles with normal life activities.

Although this doesn’t excuse his behaviour, it does make it easier to understand.

Can you give us more info - how long has he been out of work/education?

What do you mean by not enough care for hygiene?

Has he ever been assessed for LD? - this would be my first step and it’s a shame it wasn’t done whilst at uni/school because they usually hold more weight.

Young people nowadays are much emotionally younger than what they used to be and if he has LD he could be emotionally younger still.
So although I understand your desire for an empty nest and for him to have independence, I wouldn’t worry too much as it will come.

He is struggling and telling him to get a FT job, move out, pay his own bills, do his own shopping, sort his hygiene out etc all at once is going to feel very overwhelming and he’ll likely do none of it.

What the most important thing for you right now?
Getting him out of your house or him getting a job or sorting his hygiene out?

You need to focus on 1 thing and then help him do it.

I would be trying to do things asap though as a lot of help stops at age 25.
If he’d had a diagnosis he would have had an EHCP until the age of 25 for example, which would have supported him through uni.

At 24 he should be doing this himself. OP needs to be firm and not pander to him or he won't take the situation seriously.

Sit him down, tell him very firmly that you meant it when you gave him written notice, and tell him to take himself with a copy of the notice to the local housing office for urgent advice and help. Also give him a list of addresses including the Job Centre and local employment agencies.

Have you tried things like refusing to buy in food for him, turning off the wifi, cancelling his phone contract?

Something is going wrong in society when you have increasing numbers of entitled young adults failing to engage or take responsibility. They blame it on expensive housing but the root cause is lack of discipline and no boundaries. Even decades ago young adults were not buying houses straight out of education, no they were living in a rented room. The difference then was they wanted to grow up and experience all aspects of adult life. Too many now want to pick and choose adult life which isn't an option.

OP your son knows the situation and is not stupid. He needs to grow u p Tell him firmly he has one week to leave. During that week continue to be nice to him so not to rock the boat then change the locks and call the police if he attempts to return. To your detriment, this has gone too long.

Oh, and don't involve other relatives who shouldn't have to shoulder responsibility for his poor behaviour.

And who could blame the son, I'm surprised more kids don't do that. No one on this thread has managed to make adulthood sound the least bit appealing. They make it sound like all it is is work-maybe it is, in which case he's right to sue his parents for the burden!

AI makes factual errors, not grammatical errors. It doesn’t sound human, but it also doesn’t speak in broken English.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-india-47154287

I feel your angst, OP. Lots of suggestions here and I do agree he needs coaching, encouragement, motivation. I’ve got some slightly weirder/macabre ones, if you want to try something different:

1. warn him that if you need care as you get older, or if you were suddenly discharged from hospital, he may be forced to step in due to the fact that he actually lives there.
2. warn him that should you need full time care, he WILL be made homeless , since houses must be sold for care and there is no special disregard clause for relatives under 60
3. support him to get a job, take housekeeping but secretly save it - then present it as a bung/carrot he can have if and when he moves out
4. get an annoying lodger
5. pretend you’ve joined a cult and go full hippy, burning incense etc. All the meals are vegan from now on. See how he likes that
6. just sell the house and buy another that is 20k cheaper up the road

I mean, what’s his plan? Be a boring batchelor forever?

I’ll never get the “he is only in his 20’s” argument.

At 24 I had moved in with my partner and planning a wedding, first baby came a year later. I had a full time job. Like the rest of my friends, we all had jobs. I started mine at 15 - friends went to uni and had jobs at 21.

24 is more than old enough to be working and sorting his life out.

sorry you are in this position op, there has been some great help on this thread

He's not a tenant; he doesn't have a contract. You can just change the locks. Moving to a one-bed won't help if you haven't been able to enforce him not living with you; he'll just bully his way into the new place and then you'll have him making a mess and intimidating you from the living room sofa instead of from his own room. Moving to the other end of the country wouldn't help; he could follow. The only solution is for you to tell him he doesn't live there any more, and mean it. He'll be entitled to what used to be called housing benefit to pay the rent. But they'll make him look for work - which is what he needs.

OP, can you provide some further information/clarification about the behaviours you referred to in your OP:

'He does not want to apply enough care in my home for hygiene and protecting items in my home. (A 3-bed house). He has refused to accept my rules for my home.'

As you are a pensioner, you can speak to Age Concern to get some advice about dealing with this difficult situation. Financially, the situation is untenable as it is difficult enough for pensioners to survive on the state pension alone, without having to support another adult on that money.

He isn't eligible for contribution-based JSA but he should definitely be entitled to Universal Credit. Please speak to Citizen's Advice for advice.

If he was able to accept some financial support via UC and agreed to make a contribution to the bills and other living costs, would you be happy to let him stay if he also made a genuine attempt to find employment? If he is in receipt of UC, he should be given a job coach and will need to apply for a specified number of jobs every week.

Indeed. For additional context, I think the father was a judge and the son was a lawyer. The father was actually quite complimentary about the son's legal arguments.

I've tried to find the story, but haven't managed it.

It was a foreign story reported in the UK media. Why isn't it relevant? Should I have censored that detail to protect your delicate sensitivities? Would you have cared if he'd been French or American?

Start by cutting costs. Only buy the minimum of food, no biscuits and snacks. Give him notice you can't pay for his phone next month. Turn it off.
Stop paying for him. Turn the hearing off in the day.

Turn off the WiFi at home. Or pay for it and don't give him access ever. What's he doing all day and night?

Tell him if he won't or can't work, he needs to volunteer daily. He can join the army reserves. He isn't stupid, by the sound of it, so it's a choice. It doesn't matter what job he takes, as long as its not remote:) he can always leave and do something else.

Perhaps he needs to go and live with an uncle for a few months? If by end Jan nothing has changed, perhaps he will. In the meantime, close your purse.

It sounds as though OP is living in poverty due to her son. If she only has her state pension, supporting another adult is beyond her financial means. His behaviour towards her is obviously making her depressed.

He has evidently had a very pampered upbringing with no expense spared on private schools and extra-curricular activities. If he treated OP with respect in her home and made a genuine attempt to find any sort of paid employment, I doubt that she would be contemplating throwing him out. She has obviously reached the end of her tether.

My 20 year old is the same. Vaguely menacing. Has smashed windows in anger. I am desperate for him to leave.

Yes but why should his mum fund it at 24?

Both my adults sons went through a phase where they were absolutely awful to live with and I couldn't wait for them to move out. It's sheer luck really, that they ended up in a situation where they could.

If I'd changed the locks on them they'd have broken back in. And then what? I call the police on them? They have ID to prove it's their home. Meanwhile the relationship is destroyed, and I'd have to listen to people like many on this thread (who haven't been in the situation and never will be) telling me what a heartless awful mother I am.