Partner lied to me about his best friend cheating

Hope you are doing ok @Rubylu ? What a horrible thing to find out and what a snake he has proved to be. How did you find out? Hopefully you have moved on
Both of them thought they were being smart and are probably commiserating with each other. Not so clever now!

Sounds like your bullshit meter is working very well.

I'm sorry he did this. How are you holding up?

Is he now your ex partner @Rubylu ?

Resurrected thread!

Switch it up.

You've got a partner that demonstrates loyalty to friends and can keep his mouth shut.

He didn't tell you because it wasn't his secret. He lied to you because he had to, and you shouldn't have been repeatedly asking (get the hint!).

Not everything is about you.

You're very clear the relationship was none of your business yet you proceeded to repeatedly interrogate your DP on it.

He was asked to keep a confidence which he honoured.

You then proceeded to involve yourself in the situation by messaging her even though you say you're not close. So not close enough for her to come to you with the information herself, but close enough for you to try and get the gossip from her even though your DP asked you not to involve yourself?

If you're asked to keep a confidence it shouldn't really matter what the content of that confidence is - you either keep it or you don't. That is part of being a good friend. You also don't know what conversations have occurred between the two of them regarding this situation - he could have told is friend to fess up.

He's honoured a confidence and, ultimately, it's not his information to tell to you or anyone else

Truthfully, from the way you hounded him for information and have since responded I can see why he didn't break the confidence of his friend.

I’m with you OP and surprised at some of the comments on here. He’s covering for a cheat and lying to you. I wouldn’t like it.

Why are you prying? Why are you so nosy? It is none of your business, Why are you even asking if anyone is having an affair? Split up? If they want, they will tell you. Otherwise it is rude. Not everything is about you, lying to you, reporting everything to you, concealing things from you. How very intrusive.

If a friend told me something in confidence, I wouldn't tell my dp.
Why did you keep asking him about it when he clearly didn't want to discuss it. Tbh I'd have told you to stay out of other peoples business the first time you asked.
Not everything has to be shared with a spouse/ partner when it's about somebody else's life.

I would not consider this lying. He was respecting a confidence for a very serious matter, and was probably stuck what to say to not betray that confidence when you kept prodding.

Someone who can respect others confidences is someone to value. Partners do not need to know everything about other peoples lives. There are lots of things that have taken place over the last 30+ years my dh does not know about some of my friends and family and he respects that some things I will not share. I am sure he holds some of his friend’s confidences too.

If he told you he knew but was sworn to secrecy it would have essentially told you the friend was having an affair. How did you expect him handle your prodding into something that was not your business without betraying a friend?

It you don’t want to put him in the position where he has to be economical with the truth then take the hint and don’t ask about things about other peoples lives you don’t need to know.

She's the girlfriend of your partners best friend. His allegiance is to his friend. It really is none of your business and you getting involved could put a strain on your relationship. Keeping in touch with the now ex-girlfriend of your partner's best friend is probably also not a good idea. He lied but just said he didn't know, I suspect he really didn't want to know what was happening and telling you could just cause more stress.

I don’t think any of it was bad up to the point he told you not to message her support after the breakup to protect himself. That was a dick move.

Would you tell your Husband if one of your friends, who was seeing one of his friends was cheating? Your husband was doing what he thought was best & didn't want to break his friends trust. I can understand how you feel but try being in his shoes. Keep his friends secret & not tell you, he doesn't lose out on anything or risk the secret getting out & he gets blamed & he loses his friend. Not everything has to be shared with your partner if it doesn't impact your relationship & as long as your husband isn't aiding the affair by giving his mate alibi's it's really nothing for him to be involved in or for him to discuss with anyone.

Basically he kept something he was told in confidence to himself

some of the stuff I’ve told a friend I’d be fuming if they shared it with there partner and never see them in the same light or possibly end the friendship

Seriously?
Lying continuously over many months?
Bring deceptive over many months?
Dismissing her concerns and trying to deflect?
Disrespecting your partner over many months?
Then when the truth is finally exposed, admitting the lies etc and dismissing it as not wanting to be a gossip. Certainly a low bar.

@Rubylu hope you are ok. You have a lot to unravel and as you've previously stated your trust and belief in your partner has been severely tested. Good luck.

He could have just said he was aware of the circumstances but his friend had asked him not to speak to anyone about it so he was respecting his friends wishes.
It’s a horrible position for your partner or anyone to be in so perhaps you can cut him some slack on this one .

To be honest from your reaction I doubt you’d have behaved well so I can’t blame him for not telling you.

A confidence is a confidence and if she’s not that good a friend to you ( your words ) why would you care ? The fact that you kept asking him seems you were just being nosy . Your DH was put in a tricky position so why make it worse ?

I know there’s a low bar on mumsnet for calling men abusive but really?

That's your take from someone who consistently lied to his partner? Interesting that he defended his lies by saying he didn't want to be a gossip, something other posters have repeated when referring to @Rubylu .
She stated clearly that the relationship is none of her business but that her partner lying to her is an issue, rightly so.
Too many defending his lying and denial while piling on @Rubylu . She is hurt at the behaviour of her partner, the lack of respect for her, the dismissal of her concern by turning it back on her inferring she would gossip (no indication she would have), the trust he has broken by putting his friend ahead of his partner jeopardising his relationship all because his untrustworthy friend couldn't be a decent human being.
He has put his 'good friend' ahead of his partner.
Abusive behaviour.

I think this is where I am on this

if you’d come on here saying your friend has asked you to keep something in confidence and you’d had to lie to your husband to do that I think you’d be pretty supported.

When my ex-H was cheating on me and found out by the silly woman’s partner, he confided in his ex-best friend. Said ex-BF didn’t say anything, not even to his wife because he didn’t want to know as he was disgusted by him. Men are less emotionally involved in things so your partner may be trying to just not get involved. It’s not his fault.

Don’t make their split about you 🤷‍♀️