Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do none of my in-laws wash their hands

343 replies

mintandcoral · 30/12/2025 21:47

Need a rant to be honest. Actually sick of their lack of hygiene.

They’ve only arrived today and it’s making my skin crawl. I’ve gone to bed for an early night and I’ve just heard my fil going to the toilet, not flush or wash his hands. A few minutes later, mil comes up. She flushes at least but also, very definitely, does not wash her hands! The toilet is a small toilet along our upstairs landing (separate from a bathroom) and you can hear the tap being turned on very clearly.

We had chicken wraps for dinner, all putting their fingers in the sodding salad. Fil currently has a cold.

Debating whether to say something to my husband but there’s a huge backstory whereby he feels like I’m constantly criticising them, so probably best to keep my mouth shut. I might just passive aggressively repeatedly remind the kids to wash their hands tomorrow.

OP posts:
Safxxx · 31/12/2025 00:19

mintandcoral · 31/12/2025 00:04

Yes- I do think this is a factor. They had deprived upbringings. Hell, my dh had a pretty deprived upbringing. Particularly in comparison to me, but maybe not for his area/demographic. He didn’t have central heating for the majority of his childhood and I know they shared bath water.

However, my dad was far more deprived yet he showers daily and is one of the cleanest most regimented people I know in terms of his personal hygiene.

Edited
Show quote history

Use this logic with them ...how you were bought up differently and can't stand to see them not wash their hands. You can speak about this topic in a polite way and make them understand your point of view.... surely your husband has learnt through you, so now you both can advise them on it, after the conversation if they still don't act on it then start digging at them by saying " I thought you'd be changing your habits after that talk we had" or tell them atleast whilst your staying with us I'll appreciate it if you do thank you 😜

Original poster
mintandcoral · 31/12/2025 00:04

HeddaGarbled · 31/12/2025 00:00

My mum was brought up in a house that didn’t have an indoor bathroom or toilet. The toilet was at the bottom of the yard and didn’t have a sink for handwashing. The only sink was in the kitchen and hot water for that came from a wall-heater which just got switched on for washing up. The bath was a portable tin bath which was put in front of the fire in the living room once a week and filled up from the kettle.

I’m probably the same age as your in-laws. I was brought up in a house with an inside bathroom, but that over-hang of hot water being a scarce resource persisted. We had baths and hair-washes once a week and hand-washing wasn’t regarded as necessary.

I was into my late 20s and mixing with people from more affluent backgrounds before I started showering daily and washing my hair more than once a week. The hand-washing thing never really registered with me until COVID. I think I knew I was meant to do it, but it wasn’t ingrained. It didn’t seem to affect my health.

Now, my adult children seem to me to be obsessional about hand-washing every 5 minutes but I recognise this is just current guidelines. I do what I’m told but I reserve the right to roll my eyes.

Yes- I do think this is a factor. They had deprived upbringings. Hell, my dh had a pretty deprived upbringing. Particularly in comparison to me, but maybe not for his area/demographic. He didn’t have central heating for the majority of his childhood and I know they shared bath water.

However, my dad was far more deprived yet he showers daily and is one of the cleanest most regimented people I know in terms of his personal hygiene.

OP posts:
IsItBeesThoughLooshkin · 31/12/2025 00:02

Some people clearly don’t understand anything about bacteria. They’re small, they go all over the place. They’re in the toilet bowl near your hand when you wipe yourself. They can end up on your toothbrush if you flush with the lid up. They’re not just contained within visible poo stains, like some people here seem to think!

No wonder we had a pandemic.

Original poster
mintandcoral · 31/12/2025 00:01

FelixRyark · 30/12/2025 23:57

it varies, I use the “I just put new soap in the loo and the water is warm for you”.
Also, “I’ll boil the kettle for a cup of tea, whilst you wash your hands” if they say something like, no, it’s ok I will pointedly say oh please do I put new towel in specially!
I also, very obviously, put in a clean towel when I know they can see me, and say something like, “now, all set for you to wash your hands…clean towel”
In essence, it’s just a behavioural nudge, I’m prompting, not commanding

Edited
Show quote history

This is excellent.

I'm dying to know what your day job is!

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 31/12/2025 00:00

My mum was brought up in a house that didn’t have an indoor bathroom or toilet. The toilet was at the bottom of the yard and didn’t have a sink for handwashing. The only sink was in the kitchen and hot water for that came from a wall-heater which just got switched on for washing up. The bath was a portable tin bath which was put in front of the fire in the living room once a week and filled up from the kettle.

I’m probably the same age as your in-laws. I was brought up in a house with an inside bathroom, but that over-hang of hot water being a scarce resource persisted. We had baths and hair-washes once a week and hand-washing wasn’t regarded as necessary.

I was into my late 20s and mixing with people from more affluent backgrounds before I started showering daily and washing my hair more than once a week. The hand-washing thing never really registered with me until COVID. I think I knew I was meant to do it, but it wasn’t ingrained. It didn’t seem to affect my health.

Now, my adult children seem to me to be obsessional about hand-washing every 5 minutes but I recognise this is just current guidelines. I do what I’m told but I reserve the right to roll my eyes.

Original poster
mintandcoral · 31/12/2025 00:00

Turkeysausagepie · 30/12/2025 23:58

Why don’t they wash? I’ve never understood the point of a sink wash really. It takes 2 mins to hop in the shower and you’re less likely to get water everywhere in the bathroom.

I completely agree. We have a lovely huge walk in shower!

OP posts:
Original poster
mintandcoral · 30/12/2025 23:59

@youalright One persons ‘obsessive’ is the majorities basic hygiene.

OP posts:
Turkeysausagepie · 30/12/2025 23:58

Why don’t they wash? I’ve never understood the point of a sink wash really. It takes 2 mins to hop in the shower and you’re less likely to get water everywhere in the bathroom.

FelixRyark · 30/12/2025 23:57

mintandcoral · 30/12/2025 23:46

How do you ‘remind’ them? I seem to be incapable of doing this without sounding patronising or snarky 🙃

Show quote history

it varies, I use the “I just put new soap in the loo and the water is warm for you”.
Also, “I’ll boil the kettle for a cup of tea, whilst you wash your hands” if they say something like, no, it’s ok I will pointedly say oh please do I put new towel in specially!
I also, very obviously, put in a clean towel when I know they can see me, and say something like, “now, all set for you to wash your hands…clean towel”
In essence, it’s just a behavioural nudge, I’m prompting, not commanding

Original poster
mintandcoral · 30/12/2025 23:56

OriginalUsername2 · 30/12/2025 23:52

Been there. You can try and ignore it, call them out and have everyone seethe at you and/or proclaim you must have some sort of OCD, invent some diet you’re sticking to so you don’t ever eat their cooking, or avoid social situations with them as much as possible.

Good luck to you!

I’ve already stopped making visits to theirs because I couldn’t handle the lack of cleanliness. They had a mouse living in their kitchen at one point- but mil said it was ok because she’d found ‘no mouse poo anywhere!’ How strange. It was a special mouse that didn’t poo.

God the more I write the more insane I realise it sounds!

OP posts:
Funnywonder · 30/12/2025 23:56

youalright · 30/12/2025 22:11

I only wash my hands after a wee in public places not in my own home

Jesus Christ Almighty God. Where do you live? I hope I have never been to your house. When you do a poo, you flush the toilet with a hand so filthy you feel the need to wash it. When you have a piss, you flush the same toilet. Pressing the same button. The button you pressed after doing a poo. But then you don’t wash your hands? Make it make sense.

Turkeysausagepie · 30/12/2025 23:56

Fingalscave · 30/12/2025 23:04

My SIL doesn't wash her hands after using the toilet (she has told me many times) and consequently didn't teach her children to. Her kids never flushed or washed their hands so I used to pointedly ask them to go back, flush and wash their hands. They were always coming down with stomach bugs.

Show quote history

Omg why don’t they flush 😩

youalright · 30/12/2025 23:53

mintandcoral · 30/12/2025 23:49

Yes but you’re touching your husband and children’s germs and fecal matter on the flush etc. when you’re going for a wee

Show quote history

Its alright ive wiped everyone of my children's shitty bums and I stuck my finger up my partners bum plenty of times and I'm still alive even after walking through the house to a sink afterwards. It just comes across a bit obsessive

Original poster
mintandcoral · 30/12/2025 23:53

MissSophiaGrace · 30/12/2025 23:50

When I've had to do it, I've treated them like children. "Mike can you please wash your hands, there's a clean towel and soap in the downstairs loo". Patronising, immature, probably! It's also basic manners and basic hygiene. If you're eating in my house then you wash your hands as I do in your house.

Show quote history

I might have to practice this line ready for the rest of the week 🥲

OP posts:
AntiHop · 30/12/2025 23:53

Livelovebehappy · 30/12/2025 23:25

Some people don’t actually wash their hands by putting them under a tap, but use hand wipes. Since Covid I carry around hand gel and use that rather than use sinks where multiple people have had their hands. Maybe they do that? Maybe wait for them to go to bed and then rifle through their bags to see if that’s the case? At least you’ll sleep well tonight if you find gel in their luggage…..

Hand gel doesn't kill all germs, including norovirus.

OriginalUsername2 · 30/12/2025 23:52

Been there. You can try and ignore it, call them out and have everyone seethe at you and/or proclaim you must have some sort of OCD, invent some diet you’re sticking to so you don’t ever eat their cooking, or avoid social situations with them as much as possible.

Good luck to you!

Original poster
mintandcoral · 30/12/2025 23:52

Lightuptheroom · 30/12/2025 23:47

Are you the same poster who couldn't bear to visit her in laws because mother in law doesn't wash her hands before preparing food and it was pointed out that you have extreme anxiety and most likely need professional help with that anxiety ?

No, I’m not and if you met me you’d actually see that I’m pretty relaxed on the whole. My house isn’t a sterile box.

OP posts:
MissSophiaGrace · 30/12/2025 23:50

mintandcoral · 30/12/2025 23:46

How do you ‘remind’ them? I seem to be incapable of doing this without sounding patronising or snarky 🙃

Show quote history

When I've had to do it, I've treated them like children. "Mike can you please wash your hands, there's a clean towel and soap in the downstairs loo". Patronising, immature, probably! It's also basic manners and basic hygiene. If you're eating in my house then you wash your hands as I do in your house.

Original poster
mintandcoral · 30/12/2025 23:49

youalright · 30/12/2025 23:48

Always wash hands after a poo

Show quote history

Yes but you’re touching your husband and children’s germs and fecal matter on the flush etc. when you’re going for a wee

OP posts:
Original poster
mintandcoral · 30/12/2025 23:49

GreywackeJ · 30/12/2025 23:44

It’s quite odd to put hands in salad - how does that work?

I have no idea if guests are washing their hands. I don’t listen out for proof.

I agree- it’s odd! They were chicken wraps- and instead of using the serving spoons to serve themselves lettuce/salad they went right in with their fingers.

OP posts:
youalright · 30/12/2025 23:48

mintandcoral · 30/12/2025 23:46

’some germs are necessary’- not fecal matter/particles.

Show quote history

Always wash hands after a poo

Itsmetheflamingo · 30/12/2025 23:48

Although I am a hand washer, I can also understand the pee comments- you really shouldn’t be getting pee on your hands from wiping with tissue but even if you do, it’s not going to hurt you- pee is sterile, it’s just come out your bladder

however, poo is a different ball game and PP are completely right that your bathroom and toilet flush lid etc which you will touch will have poo particles on! Even though most germs don’t have a particularly long life cycle it’s still gross.

NightLightCream · 30/12/2025 23:48

We had no food at a wedding buffet once ( evening meal) as my husband, who had gone to check the buffet ( he hates them) saw a man pick up chips or potatoes with his hands…

Lightuptheroom · 30/12/2025 23:47

Are you the same poster who couldn't bear to visit her in laws because mother in law doesn't wash her hands before preparing food and it was pointed out that you have extreme anxiety and most likely need professional help with that anxiety ?

Original poster
mintandcoral · 30/12/2025 23:47

NightLightCream · 30/12/2025 23:45

In future make individual salads, either put them in soup bowls, on their plates ready or in ramekins, for each person, and that takes out the sharing aspect

You will breathe more easily. Do the same with any shared bread, and dips or sauces.

Also encourage handwashing.

I feel so sorry for you. 🤢

This is great advice- thank you 🙏

OP posts: