Grandparents not so involved

Seeing the amount of women on here complaining that they don’t want their ILs visiting them when they’ve had a baby, they can’t then complain when those ILs learn their place and refuse to babysit.

My situation is a little odd. Raised by grandparents who are both sadly passed, I'm in touch with my parents and siblings but not very close to them. My parents live 2 hours away and in the same house as my brother and his kids so they provide live in childcare for them. They never offer to have my child and to be honest she wouldn't want to stay over with them as their house is chaotic and kids are a bit intense and loud for her with not much of a routine so they're up all hours. We tolerate day trips to see my parents but glad to come home to our calm house!
In laws live an hour away and have their own life, they will see my daughter for special occasions, and sometimes have her over for a night during holidays but not interested in providing regular childcare, which is their choice. They also see my sister in law and her two kids who live further away so will spend a weekend at their house and provide childcare or have her kids over for several nights during holidays. I feel a little resentful but DH won't reach out to ask for childcare over holidays and so we just make do with holiday camps. DH and I both work full time where as sis in law and her husband work part time. Same with my brother and his wife they work part time too.

I'm afraid its not always like this.

My parents left me with my grandparents all the time when I was growing up. In fact, I was probably with my grandparents more than I was at home. I loved my parents but they were always emotionally distant no matter how hard I tried to get them to engage with me.

When I had my children, they had zero interest in establishing a bond. It was incredibly hurtful and when they passed my children werent sad at all because they had also tried really hard to get them to spend time with them but they couldn't be arsed. My parents were simply not interested and no amount of effort on my part changed that. I discussed this in therapy actually and it took a long time for me to realise that it wasnt my fault. It is never a child's fault if their parents are disinterested in them (from childhood I mean).

I would love for my kids grandparents to spend less time with us!
I find both mine and my parents family hard work and I feel like not having family members involved quite liberating!
Outside influences can be stressful and undermine your parenting style.

how often do you see your parents/partners parents? Is it just your kids they don’t bother with or all of their grandkids?

my parents aren’t that bothered but then my parents mum is too involved-I’d like a balance. I’m not sure you ever get what you want or need from family!

@youalright have never asked for or expected childcare. DD was in full time nursery when younger and is now at primary / wrap around when needed

they just dont want to invest in a relationship

Whoever is criticising you, presumably they know you work full time? They sound self centred tbh.

Op do you try and organise things with the GPs or are you waiting for them to offer?

I don't have a relationship with my first born grandchild sadly and my second lives hundreds of miles away. FaceTime simply doesn't cut it and it's more a long distance sort of I suppose. It makes me extremely sad but it's just how the cookie crumbles. Just be happy and get on with your own life. Their loss x

They don't want to spend time with their grandchildren or they don't want to be childcare there is a difference.

I'm commenting from the grandparent point of view.

I have two grandchildren, neither of whom live with my child.

I take one grandchild out rather than visit. It gives the resident parent a break, and also it would be weird to visit as the parent is not my child, they have their own new family now. We get on well though and might attend birthday parties together or rarely do activities all together, e.g school concerts. This grandchild has special needs and I might support with hospital appointments or school visits with the resident parent. This is positive and helpful and we talk about how we are his team/village raising him all together. I see this grandchild most weeks, it might be for just a couple of hours to go swimming or have lunch round my house, it might be a day trip somewhere, a sleepover at mine or we might swan off on roadtrip in the motorhome for anything from 3-9 nights probably 3 times a year. Plan to take them abroad next year. Both parents all happy with this and the general view is that this grandchild's life is greatly enriched by having me in it, and I feel my life is greatly enriched by having them in it. I don't do babysitting or childcare though, I am young and still work/study. Although sometimes I will be asked to have a sleepover to coincide with particular plans the resident parent would like to do.

The other grandchild I sadly don't see at all, although this is not my choice. The resident parent (not my child) likely has significant attachment disorder issues and/or a personality disorder. Severe difficulties with emotional dysregulation and they hold beliefs are not grounded in reality. I have tried to have contact but the resident parents extreme attachment/personality issues make this impossible. It breaks my heart.

OP, sorry if I have hijacked your thread. Days at the park etc involving three generations have always been a disaster for us so we now just see them for a meal once every couple of months.
We gave up on the idea of babysitting early on and took turns to go out socially. Until the kids got old enough to be left home alone (recently).
It still disappoints me but it was better once I realised that they are just not interested in children, blood relations or otherwise!

It makes sense I suppose - because by not ‘remembering’ my lovely GP’s involvement, it shines less of a spotlight on their lack of interest and engagement.
Looking back, I can see that my DPs weren’t especially child-friendly despite being decent parents overall. My brother and I were very independent children who were expected to entertain ourselves and each other. We did so!
I was thinking about this while I was on holiday last summer going down the water slides to make the kids laugh and trying to beat them at table tennis for hours. My own parents wouldn’t have been seen dead - it was the sun lounger and the bar for them while we very happily entertained ourselves and avoided pestering them.
Overall I think the current problem is a patience thing. My DP simply didn’t have the patience for my DC as children. Now they are lovely teens who are actually great company (bias acknowledged!) but the relationship isn’t there and the olds just monologue about stuff instead of engaging with their grandchildren. No common ground established.
It troubles me but what can be done? Nothing.

@likeafishneedsabike absolutely snap to that as well

@youalrightmy DM is retired at 62, fit and healthy and after a large inheritance from her parents she’s not constrained by a small pension or typical money worries. She just doesn’t want to spend time with her grandchildren

Snap. My DC are now both teenagers and because the relationships weren’t established with them as young children, it’s all a bit awkward now. Sad. It interests me that my own GPs involvement is now glossed over. I used to stay with my grandparents for a week of the summer holiday until I was about 15! No mention is ever made of this by my parents now.

You do have to take into account the significant rise in pension age

@Abracadabra12345i totally understand where you are coming from here. Although I don’t think that’s my story. GP genuinely asked for us to go over/ go away on holiday etc. parents were always greatful and were decent parents. They are just not so keen to reciprocate now. I do feel my parents generation are somewhat more selfish than their parents and indeed the grandparents my generation will one day become

I don't have GC, but if I did I'm not sure how involved I would be. When my children were small I lived very close to my mum but now I live about three hours away from my children. I also work ft.

Exactly this so many kids being basically raised by grandparents and then people acting shocked they don't want to turn around and raise their grandkids. Obviously they don't.

Its funny how people view closeness and caring to grandparents doing childcare. My kids are very close to my parents but they've never really babysat we just visited regularly (once a week) and they spent time with them with us

This comes up so often. You were farmed out to your lovely grandparents because your parents didn’t enjoy looking after children. The pattern has continued now they’re grandparents.

My grandparents were awesome - sleepovers, holidays, weekend visits - my parents as grandparents however are shockingly shit. Really disappoints me not only because my kids won’t have as meaningful relationships with their own grandparents but also because my parents got so much help when they had younger children and they just don’t care to even try

My parents lived abroad half the year and were in their late 70s when I had kids. We saw them at least once a week when they were in the country and they babysat on occasion. My in laws lived 20 minutes away and never expressed any desire to see the kids more often than when we suggested every couple months.
So, it depends on the age of the grandparents and their desire. Some are very involved some not. There should be no expectation though.

I am/have always been really close with my parents and my mum is now a very very involved grandparent. Between structured childcare that she does for us and then adhoc favours I see her almost everyday. I do make an effort to go and see them at least once a week without the kids too though. Very fortunate to have keen grandparents on the other side too, they’re a bit further away but we make equal effort to visit.

Totally agree.

We have I’d say both ends of the spectrum here and neither has been a surprise.

My parents are and have always been amazing parents, we’ve always been a really close family, in contact every day, see each other every week, support each other etc. They are amazing grandparents to my two children, genuinely couldn’t have dreamed of better for them. They are there for all the little things and all the big things, they could tell you in seconds my daughter’s favourite songs, games, films, they know her favourite snacks and always have them stocked up, they have their own sets of clothes/nappies/bottles for both kids and their house has nearly as many toys as ours does, we can turn up there with nothing and be absolutely fine. They adore the kids and our children truly adore them. None of that came as a surprise, I knew they would be these grandparents because they were like this as parents.

PIL on the other hand for the first year of my daughter’s life saw her a grand total of 3 times, always only for 1 hour or less, and each time they really just sat on the sofa and watched us entertain her in their home which was not as all baby friendly and they had nothing whatsoever for her to play with or do. That level of contact continued until August this year when they suddenly went NC, no idea why, no big falling out, removed us all on social media, I had our second baby in November and despite the lack of contact my husband still reached out to let them know they had another grandchild- no reply whatsoever. They were shit parents, they hated having kids and so had no desire to be grandparents, so this hasn’t really come as a surprise either!

I’m a grandparent, still work full time and run a small business so most weeks, especially during the summer, work 6/7 days a week. I sometimes have the grandchildren overnight to help out and have on occasion had them 4 nights in a row. I find it extremely tiring as they are young but I’m constantly being criticised for not looking after them enough, picking up from school etc even though I would have to take annual leave to do this.