To have abruptly limited DD screen time

Also, we often cook double one day so that getting dinner together is much easier the next day- like cook a big pot of mince and one day it's taco and the next with pasta. Then you save cooking time and have more time to spend with your children.

There is a middle ground between “You have my full attention and we are playing together” and “I am completely ignoring you because your brother has my full attention” and you need to find it.

Your parenting has been pretty awful for many years, I have to say, and it will take time to undo it. I would kill the tablet permanently and only allow TV as good family movies once a week, not mindless scrolling through countless episodes. Let her be bored - if books and toys are within reach, she will pick them up eventually. Give her praise and chat to her while cooking dinner. And for gods’ sake teach your other kid these skills. You speak like ideally you’d need 3 adults in the house to cope with 2 kids and dinner.

Honestly, I’m doing what I need to do to survive right now. Yes my 7 year old has too much screen time and it’s not ideal but 14 months is a tough age, by the time he is 2, it will be better and I’ll be able to focus on my older one more equally

No doubt I’ll get some stick but I think just cut yourself some slack, maybe cut her to 2 hours instead of 3 and try and focus on her for the other hour? This is my plan, I just can’t handle 3 hours of screaming from the baby and whinging for screens from the 7 year old! I’m autistic and it is an overwhelming sensory overload

We have videos of us doing that at 14m! Admittedly the 14 month old was basically just roaring like a tiger while I acted it out and the older one read but he still enjoyed it.

Yes absolutely. Op says "he's too young to pretend to cook" but that's not the only point of a toy kitchen - there are buttons to press, cupboards to open and shut with a banging noise, use the ladle as a hammer to bash the floor, etc.

I have 4 children and a very similar age gap between my second and third, things that work well for both ages -

Playdough
Duplo Lego
Floor is lava
Dancing
Getting the older one to blow bubbles
We have a sandpit in the garden
Taking them both for a walk
Reading books together
Tea party
Building a tent

I think you need to work on supporting the relationship between your children, if she doesn't want him to touch anything she's doing and she won't let him in her room. I wonder if she feels so mad at him because she is jealous of how much he takes the attention from her. I'm fortunate that my daughter absolutely adores her little brothers, I always included her when they were little and then as they grew found ways that they could play together, rather than trying to keep the younger ones out of her play. I actually think having younger siblings can keep them playing longer because they continue on the games with the little ones.

My kids play by themselves brilliantly. But if they think there is any chance of TV then my son can act like this, i.e. not knowing what to do, hanging around, etc.

We've had a no TV (and have never let them have tablets) during the week rule for years. I realised in 2022 when they were 1, 4 & 5 that we'd relied on it far too much to survive COVID and then building an extension. It makes things so much easier because they know it's not an option so they come home from school and play without there even being a discussion. They spend as much time playing alone as they do together, though my 4 year old generally wants someone to play with her.

Could that be an easier option for you all, you might find less of the lingering?

Another option would be toy rotation. Kids get overwhelmed when they have too much choice. Can you put a lot of stuff away and have one box of toys. Change them every couple of weeks to increase the excitement/interest?

Best thing I did for my sanity was let go of my ideas of what play is and just let play be whatever my daughter wants to do with a toy.

I appreciate it’s difficult but you are making a lot of excuses here.
So your son disrupts what you’re doing with your daughter, he has a tantrum and then you stop playing with your daughter and presumably focus on your son. That’s why he keeps doing it!
Whatever you do, don’t give your son a tablet because you’ll just repeat the situation. Why people give three year olds tablets I’ll never know.
Having said that, I don’t have as much of an issue putting the tv on for a short time. There’s lots of educational programmes, or put something on with songs etc. As long as it’s not on for hours!

So you don’t redirect him? At 14 months you can gently say no, remove him from the play and go back to playing with your daughter. Of course he continues to do it when you’ve taught him it gets him what he wants. Meanwhile your daughter gets plonked in front of a tablet and left alone. Poor girl.

Kind of ironic- a 14mo can't act out a book while it's being read aloud so I think maybe you've forgotten too!

Some of the suggestions are too grown up yes, but most have been "let him mess with the duplo on the floor". My ds has been capable of that from 9mo right to 2yo.

Throwing it, chewing it, are all just as legitimate as building it.

Since she was 3! You have really set your daughter up to fail here. You need to support her.

I do think some posters have either totally forgotten what 14 month olds are like or had very easy ones.

I think you need to break it up a bit - hanging round the house all the time sounds like it's driving you all nuts.

Get out of the house after school at least once or twice a week - playground, library, etc

Once a week, after school a movie is fine

Try and think of some games/activities they can do together - I think play doh works well. Or she reads a book out loud and you and DS act it out, we did this obsessively for ages with the Tiger who came to tea and our tea set

Have a look at some subscription boxes - mud and bloom does nature themed ones, or a comic subscription

No, all toddlers are like this. We just toddler-proof the room they play in and let them at it. And tidy up when they're in bed (or just...not tidy up).

Also I think a lot of posters on this thread must have had more placid toddlers than mine! If he’s not getting my undivided attention then he screams, it’s impossible to play with my 7 year old without the baby just throwing things, screaming and trashing the house, he has more toys than Smyths but he doesn’t want them, he wants to empty the cupboards, play with the bin and climb me repeatedly!

Can you have a slow cooker dinner on, wrap everyone up and go outside for an hour in the evening? We go out even in the rain but I realise that's not everyone's cup of tea.

It sounds like your ds can entertain himself to some extent (you mentioned toddling around with his fire engine) so that's one aspect solved.

Try this today maybe - sit and make Christmas cards (or similar) with dd at the dining table while ds romps around on the floor with his fire engine. Have a cup of tea and force yourself not to get up and engage with ds until you've drunk it. He'll stop pestering you once he knows you won't cave.

(I do this often enough because I just want the cup of tea lol).

You are just making excuses.

when your son ruins your time with your daughter, what do you do?

I think you need to find a way to do things with both. If she likes baking, toddler in high chair with a second bowl & spoon. Biscuits work well as you can give the toddler some of the dough to play with while DD cuts out the actual Biscuits.

Crafts similar. Toddler in high chair near table with his own craft supplies, DD at table with hers, you help both.

Going outside makes things much easier, though might be hard this time of year. When it's not raining, could you do a park trip or call in the library on the way home from school, that would reduce the hanging round att home time.

There isn't an easy solution. The tablet is the easy solution. It will be hard initially but it'll improve.

Our role as parents is to keep them safe and teach them essential life skills. Sometimes that'll be hard for you and the kids, sometimes there'll be crying.

Oh yes I remember this it drove me nuts.

Background music, so he gets in his zone more, isn't so distracted by what you're doing.

Are you literally in a one room open plan or can you get them out of sight from each other if he's playing with something, sneak DD into the kitchen with what she wants to play with. Sorry not very helpful but sometimes easy to miss the obvious when you're stuck in it.

Think you are going to have to learn to deal with the tantrums though. He's got you round his little finger by the sounds.

Earplugs? Loop are great for still hearing eg DD talking to you but blocking out the tantrum. I wore them all the time when the kids were little I can't handle the noise either.

He can definitely independently play without a screen but he needs help learning how. Mine have had independent play since about 2 weeks old so it's been a gradual process. Hopefully others have good ideas for weaning and teaching, you're far from the only one. I expect it will take a while but be worth it.