To have abruptly limited DD screen time

He should be capable of doing it for half an hour a day so that OP can see her daughter?

You’re just continuing to make excuses. Leaving him to play alone isn’t neglect.

I find it quite bizarre that some posters seem to be suggesting your 14 month old should be more capable of playing independently than your 7 year old.

Your mum did not put you on an iPad for 3 hours a day.

Did your mum allow your younger siblings to interfere with what you were doing? The issue is your DS is preventing her from playing.

You need to keep your DS away from her toys.

That’s the crux of it then. You would rather give in to your toddler’s tantrums than parent him, and it’s affecting your daughter.

Persevere.
YOU put out an activity on the dining table out of reach of little one. A toy she hasn't played with in ages, art, making a thank you card for someone, whatever.
YOU need to give her a minimum of 15 minutes uninterrupted time with her, 1 on 1, preferably every day. 15month old can sit in the high chair while one parent cooks, again persevering is key.
She wants connection, needs to be taught the options for when she is bored, you also need to lead by example- so no screens for adults, doing reading, puzzles etc so she can see you do it.
There are also things you can do as a family- dance party for 10mins, games night if you look on Instagram they show you how yo make up quick easy games for all age groups.

When I did this, I found it easier to take the tablet away completely and let dc watch an hour or so of good tv. By good, I mean absorbing shows/films or informative.
Giving them a tablet “shot” just kept them hooked.

Anything creative worked well. Dc painted stones, dream catchers, painted pictures, made toilet roll crafts. I had a book that they would flip through and decide to make something.
Baking also worked well.
They also enjoyed workbooks and puzzle books.

Well done OP you are doing the right thing. 45 mins of screen time is plenty for a 7 year old. You'll all adapt to it and find out what works.

Well done for taking this difficult but necessary step.

Don’t feel you have to entertain her all the time - remember that boredom is a gift because it prompts creative thought. How often were you bored as a child? I’m sure we all went moaning to our parents from time to time. You didn’t suffer from that experience and neither will she, and when she learns to entertain herself it will allow her to become a much more capable person.

Junk modelling is the least elaborate or hard work children’s activity! Stick both children at the table, cover it in recycling and give DD some tape to stick it all together, that way you’re spending time with and watching both of them.

I felt deeply depressed reading this post. Don’t give her the screen time back. I can’t belive she was having 3 hours a day, every day after school. That’s shocking for her mental and physical health. Your post is a long list of excuses tbh, you’ve chosen to have two kids, now you’ve got to parent them.

Just thinking back to some practical suggestions from my childminding days when I would have multiple toddlers or babies plus after school/summer holidays, older ones too.

I agree it sounds like you need to invest in some more stuff and actually introduce game/play ideas and I would definitely work on making the table activities more appealing as these are an absolute godsend when you’ve got toddlers and older ones. If you Can incorporate a walk into the school run I would absolutely do so. Half an hour walk will let off steam get you out of the house and kill some time. We used to get back from the walk home and all sit at the table for a snack and chat. I would put in the middle of the table their activities to choose from - something messy like play doh, painting or junk modelling and they’d all do it but something like Hama beads, bracelet making or magnet building then little ones would have some toys to play with. The toddlers would inevitably get bored first so could get down and I’d give them a toy box to play with. In my experience, children are much more likely to engage when introduced to a game or presented with a specific box of toys to play with rather than just let loose on everything. So I’d have a box full of cars for one day, play food & cooking the next, duplo, dressing up or den building, train set, teddy bear picnic, dolls (mums & dads this could be a nice game with your eldest as a way of introducing gentle playing with her brother!)
I’d often find the older ones would then join the little ones in whatever they were playing with or would want to find a quiet space to read a book or just continue some quiet colouring or drawing. If Toddlers need more supervision whilst I was prepping dinner they’d go in a highchair with some toys next to me (Even just some wooden spoons would be fun). Get your eldest involved in food prep and laying the table if your toddler is in the highchair, he can do the same with plain knives and some toy food even a bit of real food let him make a bit of a mess.

Make sure you sit down with them both to eat as hopefully this will be a nice opportunity to chat and a slightly calmer time. I would then allow television whilst I was cleaning up after dinner but Or alternatives as you’d be surprised not all children want to watch television every time it’s offered and the promise of time with mum/doing something grown up whilst your brother watches TV might appeal.

I would also second the suggestion of something like Polly pockets or Sylvanian families if she hasn’t already got them. She might need some help getting started learning how to play, but I had children that would literally play for hours with these. Actually Lego was a bit like that too for some of them and even quite young children can enjoy this with supervision.

Good luck and really well done but please don’t back down I find it so sad seeing young children totally devoid of any imagination because all they know for entertainment is screens. This will be worth it in the long run.

@shaniahoo , genuine question here, but do you know how to play? Not a structured activity like crafts or board games , but imaginary play. Pretending you’re animals, fairies, pirates pretend play with dolls/teddies , building forts , making potions that kind of stuff?

Oh your poor daughter. This breaks my heart. You only have 2 children. You toddler can cry and tantrum, leave him too it. He can't refuse a high chair, make him go in it. You need to stop giving him all your attention, it is so unfair on your daughter and she will feel pushed out and unloved. I feel so sorry for her, this breaks my heart. You need to step up and parent properly.

The issue isn’t the screen. The issue is OP neglecting her daughter’s needs in favour of her son.

OP, don't feel bad. I think it depends on what they're doing on screens; it can even be beneficial. I'm in my forties and I spent a lot of time with consoles, computers, and the GameBoy, plus I'm from a generation that woke up early and watched cartoons all morning, and I can tell you I turned out perfectly normal.

I also have two children now, very different ages, and I understand you. I don't want my daughter spending an hour watching stupid things on YouTube, but I don't mind if she's playing Toca Boca or watching a show on the tablet or playing Roblox on the computer. I don't think that just because we have young children we have to be constantly playing with them, or that it's pouring rain and you feel bad for not taking your kids outside when you don't feel like it. We all have things to learn and improve as parents.

Don't feel bad about what people say here, don't feel like a worse mother. Maybe they're not giving them screens, but maybe they're giving them donuts for dessert every day. The most important thing is that they feel loved and of course spend time with them, but without constantly overanalyzing ourselves as parents.

I did a lot of sitting between DC at that age and translating their body language to the other to try and mitigate "scream and clunk on head" type communication. Blocking the younger one from being able to reach the older one's creation directly and showing them their own stuff to do.

There is a great book called Siblings Without Rivalry I loved

Don't give her screentime back. You're doing a good and important thing.

Children need to be bored. It's essential for developing their resilience and ability to manage their emotions. The instant gratification of screens to alleviate boredom is crushing our kids' ability to focus, to be creative, and to try new things. I've read articles from teachers saying that kids who are raised without excessive screentime have a superpower compared to their peers in terms of their ability to focus and think for themselves.

She will adapt. She's had most of her life so far with the easy solution of a screen to save her from finding her own fun. It will take time for her to strengthen her skills in playing and entertaining herself.

Can your DS be in a pen or carrier at any point to free you up for play? Or his high chair with snacks for a bit? It will get easier to manage them playing together as they get older.

Don’t go back on it, you’re already partway through the hardest bit! I went through similar with my DS, albeit without a new baby. It wasn’t a screen issue with him, he just couldn’t entertain himself and wanted someone to actively do something with him all the time. He’s six now and it’s got a lot better.

Some kids will naturally learn to entertain themselves. Others (like my DS) will be resistant and you have to actively teach it as a skill I reckon. I have a few tips:

1. try to explain to her why she needs to learn to entertain herself without screens in a way that frames it in terms of the benefits to her- I suspect at the moment she sees going off and entertaining herself as her basically handing all the attention to her brother, as the bothering him and making noises etc sounds like attention seeking to me (not a criticism, totally normal kid impulse). With my DS, I said something like ‘I bet it’s not a nice feeling not knowing what to do with yourself, and I know you want my attention all the time. I love giving you attention, but sometimes I need to do other things. No mummy in the world can play with their children all the time (insert humorous examples of what would go wrong if you actually did) and every child has to learn to keep themselves busy for a bit on their own. I’m going to help you learn how, and it’ll be great for you because you won’t feel bored and frustrated any more.’

2. treat entertaining herself as an ‘above and beyond’ behaviour that you reward until she’s got the hang of it as this is clearly difficult for her. Something like a star whenever she entertains herself when you ask her to/does it spontaneously and something she really wants when she gets a certain number. Have it separate from any reward system you already use so she is motivated to focus on that specifically (I found if I incorporate a skill I want to teach into a general reward system, DS just thinks ‘ah well, doesn’t matter if I don’t do it, I’ll do xyz different thing later and get the star then.’) Absolutely gush with praise when she does it.

3. create a ‘menu’ of things she can do to entertain herself, ideally with her input. Put all the things she needs for these activities in one place so she can easily go to her cupboard/wherever, with things organised into boxes so they’re easy for her to take out and tidy away to reduce friction. Hopefully that might reduce the impossible-to-achieve requests like junk modelling- you can explain why that’s not on the menu for independent play when you make the list so that she knows it’s not an option during that particular time from the get-go. Direct her to choose from her menu as soon as you see the difficult behaviour starting. ‘Rolling around making noises/bothering your brother isn’t an option. It’s independent time now. You have lots of choices of things to do in your cupboard and you need to go and choose one.’ And a suitable consequence if she continues bothering brother or whatever it is you’ve told her to stop.

4. ensure she gets plenty of time built into every day where she has your 100% attention to play or do something else together. When she asks for something like junk modelling that you just can’t do right now, write it down on a to-do list somewhere prominent for you to do later on during your special time together, so that she can see that doing stuff she wants to do is important to you and will definitely happen, just not right this second. Be really enthusiastic about it and tell her how much you’re looking forward to it, so she understands that the reason you’re not doing it right this second isn’t because you don’t want to. We also always sit down and play board/card games or something similar for about half an hour before bed, maybe that’s something she would like?

5. try to have options that she can do sitting and chatting to you if she wants company. I taught my DS to cross stitch (and also how to use a needle rethreader 😆) but it could be anything that keeps her hands busy and that isn’t messy. If he just wants to be with me, he’ll get his cross stitch project and sit and sew while I do chores or sit and have a cup of tea and a rest on the sofa or whatever. Sometimes doing something alongside me is as good as doing something with me if you see what I mean.

6. start really small, just five minutes at a time.

Sorry this was so long, I hope some of it was useful. All kids are different but this is what worked for our DS. As you can probably tell, independent play was NOT something he wanted to do 😆 I’m afraid it took quite a while but it worked in the end, with a concerted effort to teach him. One day, you’ll suddenly realise it’s a bit quiet and found she’s taken herself off to play Lego or something without your suggestion. It’ll be worth it, being able to entertain herself without screens is an essential skill and she’ll be happier being able to do that instead of getting herself and you frustrated trying to get you to entertain her.

What toys does she have to play with?

My daughter and son have a 6 year age gap and we honestly went through the same thing, no family help and did rely on tablet/screen time but I hated that, plus my son would try and grab it off her and then want the tablet himself, so I got rid of the iPad all together.

You may have to research toys/activities that are engaging enough for independent play. My daughter liked slime, colouring, jewellery making.

I remember the time after school to around 6pm also being the hardest, waiting for my husband to come home so I do feel your pain!

I would get rid of the tablet all together and let her watch a bit of tv only and then fill that time with some activities, make the ideation exciting, perhaps ask her what exciting things she would to do.