To have abruptly limited DD screen time

He absolutely could be in a playpen in the same room with some duplo or something similar while OP plays with her daughter. She will not do this.

I am a child psychologist and I have never known a "free range", mobile 14 month old who could be left to play alone for half an hour.

Maybe left under supervision in a playpen beside you, but not left while you fully focus elsewhere.

I’m just saying it as it is. It’s not “nasty” or “mean”, it’s just the facts of the situation.

He is absolutely capable of being left to play for half an hour while you spend time with your daughter. You have come up with multiple reasons why he can’t be, even going as far as calling basic psychology “bullshit”. You won’t do it, which is fine, it’s your choice. You then admit that even when there are two of you at home, you’re giving your full attention to your son instead of your daughter. You stuck her in front of a screen to keep her quiet, and say that she “makes noises” and attempts to get your attention when she’s playing, but you don’t actually say what you do to give her your attention. Do you spend weekends with her? Without him?

Because you eventually cave and neglect your daughter in favour of him.

Some of the people on this thread have been a little bit harsh - though their basic view that you can do this is right! It’s a lot of effort and not easy, but it will get a lot easier.

good ideas:
outdoors as people have said. I would take them to the playground every single day after school.
bubbles, dancing, sofa climbing are also good and work on a rainy day
good quality tv is a good iPad alternative
Imaginative play (fairies etc) needs to be brought back here not used up on school run.

then I think you HAVE to get at least one kid and ideally both to be prepared to play at the table. The “he won’t go in a high chair” thing is a problem I would really try to fix as loads of activities that work well for them to do jointly will be best with him “locked” in a high chair eg colouring, play doh etc.

but if you can’t fix that quite yet then you need to have her play at the table so he can’t see all the toys. Lots of things can be done at the table eg my older kid built blocks on our table. Lego can be done at table. Sylvanians can be done at table. Etc. then you sit with her at table while a lot bending down to pass toddler stuff or chat to him. He needs to have good independent play toys to help with this. It is a fairly exhausting process as you have to pay BOTH loads of attention.

finally, I suggest getting the older kid a phoenix subscription - in our experience that gets you 30-60 mins a week of enjoyable reading and it comes in the post so it’s waiting for them after school on a Friday.

"I'm watching DS while waiting for DH to come home from work and then one of us cooks dinner and the other is still with DS."

"She ends up either bothering her brother, rolling around on the sofa making noises or deciding she's going to do something elaborate that it's impossible for me to help her with, like junk modelling."

I'm going to be blunt here OP, she's bothering her brother because

1. he comes first
2. she doesn't know what to do with herself without the screen

I know he's of an age where it's difficult to contain him, but if that is the case, you need to spend time teaching DD to have some hobbies she can do alone, or largely alone, during that time. Is there something you or your husband could get her into at a time when the other could have DS? I think at 7 I was getting into weaving and embroidery, I'd had a dolls house for some time and would play with that for hours, I still played with dolls and did Lego for hours too.

I think you need to be really positive about her having some other hobbies that she can sit and do. Also you sound like you are on your own with DS during the day, so I assume you leave him for a few mins to make food and go to the loo. After DD is home, you can presumably leave DS for a few mins to help DD. Try to big those minutes up so that DD feels she is a big girl being mainly independent, rather than not having you when she needs you. So if she is doing an activity where she needs you to help with a bit for a few minutes, have a safe space to put DS for those few minutes.

For example, if she got into embroidery, but needed help trying off the ends, have somewhere you can put him when DD needs thread ends tying off. Even if he cries, it wouldn't hurt him to cry for two minutes while you tie a knot or two for DD, but DD would be more likely to feel that she was being a big girl doing a craft that adults do mostly on her own, rather than feeling that she was having to stay out of your way for her brother, which is really what is happening now.

I’m about to do this with one of my twins. First of all don’t beat yourself up too much – I’m a firm believer that kids are who they are and there’s only so much we can do to influence their nature.

Case in point, my 7yr old twins, who have had exactly the same upbringing, exposure and rules to screen time growing up – one is addicted and sounds much like yours (has never been able to play alone, very creative, great at reading etc, but won’t do anything without a buddy). The other prefers playing by themselves and isn’t fussed with screens. Will watch an episode of something on occasion or join a game of MarioKart once in a blue moon.

Surely they can entertain each other, being twins? I wish! Non-screen twin most often doesn’t want a buddy, lest her imaginary games be ruined.

Anyway, twins, house renovation, full time work and Covid have got us here, so I think it’s time to pull the plug. It will be hard, but it’s worth it.

The hardest part will be the mornings as they wake up consistently at 6am. And I am barely conscious til 8.

Good for you for trying to reduce screen time.

A 7 year old playing with a one year old is only ever going to be a short-lived thing as the age gap is too wide and the play will be unfulfilling for your 7 year old.

Learning to play independently at age 7 after years of being allowed so much screen time is going to be tricky and I feel you will need to work hard on it. It rewires the brain and that is very hard to undo. You may never undo the damage fully.

You may need to model independent play for her- have lots of toys which can be used alone- lego, dolls, craft materials, small word toys like playmobil or sylavanian families, playdough etc. then play with her for a short time then leave her to continue the play alone.

@shaniahoo I can quite confidently tell you that ignoring a child who is crying because they cannot get their own way is not neglect. Far from it.
You are neglecting your daughter here. And you refuse to see it. She's 7, not 17!

Just "thanks for the suggestions" would be fine rather than this "you in particular" stuff. You've come on a forum to ask for help, I've tried to give it. The only one being nasty and swearing is you. I'll leave you to it, good luck.

I haven't rtft so apologies if these ideas have come out already.

Get outside. DS in pram, DD has a spotters "list" of things to find - a pinecone, a white flower, a feather, a toadstool etc.Take hot chocolate in a flask as a treat for a completed or nearly completed list. They would also both enjoy a playground but I am sure you already do that!

Indoors, there are activities that should hold both kids' attention or that can be adapted. Playdoh is great for baby, and DD might enjoy a playdoh hairdresser or whatever. We used to make our own edible playdoh from smooth peanut butter, honey, and powdered milk. You can decorate with sprinkles or cake decorations - make teddies or whatever - and eat them. DS gets his own chunk to play with and eat.

You can also grade this activity - DS gets playdoh, DD can use plasticene or even fimo which you can then harden into permanent models.

Colouring books are wonderful and very relaxing for adults too. You and DD can colour and DS can bang his sticklebricks or whatever at the table, and have crayons and paper. DD can show him how to make the first letter of his name (obviously you will have to tell her it will take hundreds of tries, but how proud will she be?)

She could write books for DS. My son wrote and illustrated about 30 books for my daughter. We still have them and she's 15. Again, the pride in writing and then sharing the story as the bedtime story was immense.

Playtime - involve DS. DD is the doctor, you are the nurse and DS is the patient. DD is the teacher, you and DS are the students.

DS might be "wearable" still for short periods? Which would allow you to cook with DD.

As a playpen when mine were little we used a travel cot. Have you room for that? Useful for moments when you can't otherwise keep him safe.

Yes, he can. You’re just making another excuse.

If he comes over while you’re playing with her - “no”, and remove him from the situation. If he comes back? Do it again. If he throws a tantrum, ignore.

How do you think children learn? It doesn’t magically start when they turn 2. It’s constant, and you’ve taught him that he can do what he wants.

You can (and must) entertain both at once. We have suggested so many ways of doing this - read back over the thread.

I think you need to get out of the mindset that you're in a uniquely challenging situation. 2 children, with limited budget and space, is actually the most common type of family in this country! We've all done it so listen to what's worked for us and have faith it'll work.

This is not me being nasty. This is me trying to reassure you.

You need to enforce boundaries with him or it’ll get worse.

You won’t. Because your son is your favourite.

Excuse me, I haven't been nasty, I've made suggestion after suggestion of what you can do with your children. Stop making excuses for their sakes and try some of the suggestions. You will damage them both if you continue to favour one over the other

Yes exactly, repeatedly move him and play with him.

Of course you can't just ignore your kids and expect it to be ok.

You have to be involved.

Nobody is being nasty. They’re just telling you things you don’t want to hear.

Don’t forget that you, DS and DD are trying to simultaneously learn new skills. You to parent differently, and DD and DS to play differently and be parented differently. Learning new things is hard and takes effort. I think it’s brave to try to make these changes rather than stick with the easy route