Page 3 | To have abruptly limited DD screen time

shaniahoo · 2025-12-23T03:51:41+00:00

DD7 has had her own tablet since she was 3. Covid seemed like a good excuse for a lot of screen time because we were hanging around the house so much. Before tablet she was never capable of playing alone for any stretch of time, so it gave us some respite. This turned into dependency over time, because if nobody was available to play, she'd ask for tablet or TV and we would say yes. Her brother was born last year and we relied on it even more heavily because someone always needed to be with him and if the other parent was at work or cooking or cleaning or whatever then there was nobody available to play, so screen time it was. Now she's getting older we could see her as a phone addicted teen, and we didn't like it, so we put a 45min a day limit on the tablet and only occasionally offering TV as an alternative. We're all struggling with this change. DD just doesn't know what to do with herself. She wants to play with someone really but in the 3-6 period between school finish and dinner when she would normally have a straight run of screen time, I'm watching DS while waiting for DH to come home from work and then one of us cooks dinner and the other is still with DS. I think screen time was masking how upsetting it is for her that nobody can play with her after school. They are very different ages and can't play together properly and he can't be left. He grabs whatever she's playing with so we can't play together near him, and she's so rough with him when she tries to play with him. Most of her play with him is moving his body parts around roughly and trapping him or slapping him on the head and calling it "patting". I can't say how much of each afternoon is me saying "he doesn't like that" or "let him go". I try to teach her how to play with him in a nice way but she finds it boring. She's an excellent reader and I suggest things like, well, reading, or puzzle books or art etc and she always says naaah, naaah, to every idea. She ends up either bothering her brother, rolling around on the sofa making noises or deciding she's going to do something elaborate that it's impossible for me to help her with, like junk modelling. The after school period is now a nightmare. Weekends and after dinner are good because there's usually one parent to play. We fit in playdates where we can and making the best of the quality time together we do have. But I'm wondering if we've made the wrong decision. She's struggling so much with having to entertain herself it's making all our lives so difficult. Should we just give the screen time back? Or is there a chance she could learn and adapt and become good at finding her own fun?

SoLongLuminosity · 23/12/2025 11:31

shaniahoo · 23/12/2025 11:21

What do you mean I've literally never had time for her? What on earth are you basing that on?

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Paragraph 1 - covid screen time (I had a toddler in covid, nursery shut, we managed without screen time and juggled work as well by splitting childcare shifts and yes, i can relate to it being hard)

Paragraph 2 - had another baby before cracking the screen issues you thought were already there

Paragraph 3 - using screens after school for 3 hours.

Unless you were using screens less than 3 hours a day during covid then it's continued to increase as she's gotten older.

Fwiw, my child is an only and finds ways to play alone when given the choice between playing in her room, reading or doing a chore.

HisNotHes · 23/12/2025 11:27

You’re right to have drastically cut down on the screen time, don’t go back. I think you really need to invest more time in helping her learn to play independently though. Set her off with a puzzle or a game where you’re there doing it with her at the beginning. Put the baby down/give him a toy and give her 10 minutes of undivided attention to start her off on an activity until she’s got into it.

Also try and find things you can do with both at the same time, eg you’re all sitting on the floor together, oldest has a puzzle/ dolls tea party/whatever set up on one side of you. Baby has stacking cups etc on the other side. You can alternate your attention as needed and your daughter doesn’t feel abandoned.

Tbh it’s going to take effort to get to where you want and need to be and I feel you’re making excuses and prioritising the baby.

PurpleThistle7 · 23/12/2025 11:27

What disc the rest of your day look like? To be honest I think the biggest problem is far too much time in the house. My second was very busy and needed to be active so we did lots and lots of outside time and library time and all sorts. He was in nursery by that age which was great for him as I was exhausted by it! Not the point at all of course but just saying I understand a bit.

We baby proofed the lounge and he could roam free in there with me checking him regularly. We were in a small terraced house then with one room and a galley type kitchen - the kids shared a room. So we shoved a tiny two person table into a hall bit of the kitchen and my daughter could paint or colour or help me bake or whatever. Of course I’d be back and forth a bit but I’d focud in her as much as possible as my son had me while she was at school.

I would actually take the tablet away. Get a slow cooker and batch cook so it’s several easy meals at a time. Maybe watch something calming with both kids during the witching hour of 5-6. Octonauts or animal shows were hits for mine. The tablet is really damaging for all the reasons already said so I’d just put it away.

We have a switch and my daughter isn’t bothered but my son (now 9) can struggle to regulate with it. If he whines or complains when it’s time to turn it off it’s gone for a week. We have done this since he was 7 and he never complains now as he’s learned. So you’ll have a much easier life next year if you commit now.

Plinketyplonks · 23/12/2025 11:27

At 7 she shouldn’t be hitting her little brother on the head etc. I would stamp down extremely hard on that. My daughter is recently turned eight and some games we play that mean I can sit down are scavenger hunts eg bring my something beginning with A, B etc any item from around the house. We sometimes have a kitchen disco to burn off energy, occasionally I get some glow sticks out and turn off the lights. It’s tough when they’re used to screen time ! We’ve def been there and they naturally have more in winter. Could you take them swimming after school?

iwasfineandlight · 23/12/2025 11:26

shaniahoo · 23/12/2025 11:23

I answered your questions and you've ignored the majority of my post.

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All of your “answers” seem like more excuses.

Original poster

shaniahoo · 23/12/2025 11:25

MumoftwoNC · 23/12/2025 11:19

I've also reread the thread and I don't think I and that pp deserve to be called nasty and mean - so so many others on this thread have written
I'm devastated for your dd
It's heartbreaking to read this
Reading this (the op) makes me so angry
Etc etc.
I've tried to give lots of suggestions without too emotive language like this.

It's easier for op to dismiss us all as "being mean" than to try out some of the suggestions

I didn't think your suggestions were mean at all. You then said I was neglecting DD which I did think was mean because I don't believe I'm neglecting her. I know lots of people who WFH after their kids come home from school and they have to just find something to do, I don't think it's neglect. I listed further up on this page the time I do spend with her.

OP posts:

Original poster

shaniahoo · 23/12/2025 11:23

iwasfineandlight · 23/12/2025 11:17

You cannot disagree with a scientifically proven fact.

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I answered your questions and you've ignored the majority of my post.

OP posts:

Original poster

shaniahoo · 23/12/2025 11:21

SoLongLuminosity · 23/12/2025 11:17

Reading this makes me so angry. You've literally never had time for her, to the extent you had a second baby who you have time for.

Putting that aside and trying to be constructive in a realistic way though...

You have a really limited time to fix it and for fairness sake, I think you're better bunging a tablet at your 14 month old to give DD some attention.

It wont be any worse for him than it was for her and you aren't having more kids(?) so you'll break the cycle. At least then they've been treated equally.

And I can't underline enough how important it is to use these years with her as well as you can because it's the last she will remember of her childhood and you risk massive reentment and alienation by her when she's old enough to move out and have her old child and realises how often she was bottimmof the pile (genuinely not putting the boot in, just saying that even if things seem OK, having a baby changes how you see your own childhood. I look back at my parents and as my own DD hits certain.milestojes I think, wow, I can't believe my parents allowed X or did Y, I could never do that to my 5 yo, because you realise more how little they are as you see ot yourself and it huts different).

So in a nutshell, prioritise your DD, over your DS if needs be.

What do you mean I've literally never had time for her? What on earth are you basing that on?

OP posts:

MumoftwoNC · 23/12/2025 11:19

I've also reread the thread and I don't think I and that pp deserve to be called nasty and mean - so so many others on this thread have written
I'm devastated for your dd
It's heartbreaking to read this
Reading this (the op) makes me so angry
Etc etc.
I've tried to give lots of suggestions without too emotive language like this.

It's easier for op to dismiss us all as "being mean" than to try out some of the suggestions

iwasfineandlight · 23/12/2025 11:17

shaniahoo · 23/12/2025 11:08

I don't agree with your "basic psychology" in this case, I think toddlers having tantrums are releasing big feelings. I don't believe at my son's age they are doing it with any kind of logical intent.

And I never once said that I don't give DD any attention. It's the specific after school period we're having trouble with. After dinner each night I spend time with her doing anything she wants to do while DH does DS bath time. I play imagination games with her on the school run, which I hate, and some people here are suggesting I drop this, but she really looks forward to this because it's one time of day our play doesn't get interrupted. Both DH and I play with her properly on weekends.

Even in the after school period, I said I can't play with her. Like, with items. Once she's off tablet I'm communicating with her the entire time. Play with DS isn't very intense communication-wise, I generally just have to stay close to him, directing his play a bit and stopping him from falling off the sofa. I'm emotionally available to DD. It's just that she tends to spend this whole period complaining of being bored, rejecting my suggestions and being rough with her brother.

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You cannot disagree with a scientifically proven fact.

MumoftwoNC · 23/12/2025 11:17

Chafing · 23/12/2025 11:14

Of course I do, which is why I called out the poster who claimed that the baby should be perfectly capable of playing alone for half an hour while OP focuses on her daughter.

I have 4 kids btw.

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I think you took what pp said too literally then... I don't think she meant "abandoned your toddler", she just meant "let him play". It sounds like we're all in agreement really

SoLongLuminosity · 23/12/2025 11:17

Reading this makes me so angry. You've literally never had time for her, to the extent you had a second baby who you have time for.

Putting that aside and trying to be constructive in a realistic way though...

You have a really limited time to fix it and for fairness sake, I think you're better bunging a tablet at your 14 month old to give DD some attention.

It wont be any worse for him than it was for her and you aren't having more kids(?) so you'll break the cycle. At least then they've been treated equally.

And I can't underline enough how important it is to use these years with her as well as you can because it's the last she will remember of her childhood and you risk massive reentment and alienation by her when she's old enough to move out and have her old child and realises how often she was bottimmof the pile (genuinely not putting the boot in, just saying that even if things seem OK, having a baby changes how you see your own childhood. I look back at my parents and as my own DD hits certain.milestojes I think, wow, I can't believe my parents allowed X or did Y, I could never do that to my 5 yo, because you realise more how little they are as you see ot yourself and it huts different).

So in a nutshell, prioritise your DD, over your DS if needs be.

Chafing · 23/12/2025 11:14

MumoftwoNC · 23/12/2025 11:12

With two children there's no "fully focusing" on anything. A mum to 2 kids is constantly switching back and forth.

Nice fire engine ds!
Yes no problem dd I'll help stick that on for you.
Roar roar! Scary lion!
That looks great dd, let's take a picture for granny.
Crash! Well done! You knocked it over!

Etc, switching several times a minute. Changing your tone of voice from toddler voice to big kid voice.
We all do it, all day long. As a child psychologist you'd know this.

Edit to add - one can prep dinner and do all this at the same time. It doesn't require a supermum, it's just what all mums do everyday all round the country, in the gap between pickup time and dinner.

Edited

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Of course I do, which is why I called out the poster who claimed that the baby should be perfectly capable of playing alone for half an hour while OP focuses on her daughter.

I have 4 kids btw.

MumoftwoNC · 23/12/2025 11:12

Chafing · 23/12/2025 10:57

I am a child psychologist and I have never known a "free range", mobile 14 month old who could be left to play alone for half an hour.

Maybe left under supervision in a playpen beside you, but not left while you fully focus elsewhere.

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With two children there's no "fully focusing" on anything. A mum to 2 kids is constantly switching back and forth.

Nice fire engine ds!
Yes no problem dd I'll help stick that on for you.
Roar roar! Scary lion!
That looks great dd, let's take a picture for granny.
Crash! Well done! You knocked it over!

Etc, switching several times a minute. Changing your tone of voice from toddler voice to big kid voice.
We all do it, all day long. As a child psychologist you'd know this.

Edit to add - one can prep dinner and do all this at the same time. It doesn't require a supermum, it's just what all mums do everyday all round the country, in the gap between pickup time and dinner.

iwasfineandlight · 23/12/2025 11:12

Chafing · 23/12/2025 11:06

Do you have children?

My kids fully understand that a baby is too young to buy presents. But will enjoy getting presents.
My kids buy each other gifts and have done for years.
I think you are getting a bit fixated tbh.

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It’s part of the bigger picture.

shoved in front of a screen to allow mum to play with brother. Ignored for brother. Brother throws a tantrum and gets his own way.

verycloakanddaggers · 23/12/2025 11:10

shaniahoo · 23/12/2025 09:43

People are telling me to ignore him and play with her, you're telling me I have to play with him to keep him away from mine and DDs game. I can't do both.

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You can do both, honestly.

You sit between and respond to both.

It's hard work, but just what happens in all sorts of settings - homes, nurseries, childminders.

lazyarse123 · 23/12/2025 11:09

You could put the baby in a playpen with toys and actually play with your daughter.

Original poster

shaniahoo · 23/12/2025 11:08

iwasfineandlight · 23/12/2025 10:49

I’m just saying it as it is. It’s not “nasty” or “mean”, it’s just the facts of the situation.

He is absolutely capable of being left to play for half an hour while you spend time with your daughter. You have come up with multiple reasons why he can’t be, even going as far as calling basic psychology “bullshit”. You won’t do it, which is fine, it’s your choice. You then admit that even when there are two of you at home, you’re giving your full attention to your son instead of your daughter. You stuck her in front of a screen to keep her quiet, and say that she “makes noises” and attempts to get your attention when she’s playing, but you don’t actually say what you do to give her your attention. Do you spend weekends with her? Without him?

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I don't agree with your "basic psychology" in this case, I think toddlers having tantrums are releasing big feelings. I don't believe at my son's age they are doing it with any kind of logical intent.

And I never once said that I don't give DD any attention. It's the specific after school period we're having trouble with. After dinner each night I spend time with her doing anything she wants to do while DH does DS bath time. I play imagination games with her on the school run, which I hate, and some people here are suggesting I drop this, but she really looks forward to this because it's one time of day our play doesn't get interrupted. Both DH and I play with her properly on weekends.

Even in the after school period, I said I can't play with her. Like, with items. Once she's off tablet I'm communicating with her the entire time. Play with DS isn't very intense communication-wise, I generally just have to stay close to him, directing his play a bit and stopping him from falling off the sofa. I'm emotionally available to DD. It's just that she tends to spend this whole period complaining of being bored, rejecting my suggestions and being rough with her brother.

OP posts:

Chafing · 23/12/2025 11:06

iwasfineandlight · 23/12/2025 11:04

Why on earth should her daughter be making something for the son?! Just to show her that she really means nothing to her mum?!

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Do you have children?

My kids fully understand that a baby is too young to buy presents. But will enjoy getting presents.
My kids buy each other gifts and have done for years.
I think you are getting a bit fixated tbh.

Leopardspota · 23/12/2025 11:06

MumoftwoNC · 23/12/2025 09:19

Again. Ds plays on the floor. Dd plays at the dining table. It's such an easy solution that we all use, every family with a toddler and older one.

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This is so true. My daughter (3) has to do craft / games at the table if they have small parts. Our son (14m) will crawl around and ‘play’ with various toys- his main game is pulling everything out of the toy kitchen.

We also let her play in her bedroom with small toys when I’m busy upstairs. She has a baby gate on her room so her brother can’t get in (even though he wants to) and has to play in my room or on the landing.

I have 2 children - one is 14 months and the other is 3. Yes it’s hard to entertain both - 14 month olds just love to cause havoc - pulling, biting, grabbing etc… it doesn’t last long and there are work arounds. If I’m helping my daughter do a craft at the table and baby is crying I can’t hold him on my knee while
i I help her or pop him in the highchair with a snack and I’ve easily got 10 mins to help her.

Mt563 · 23/12/2025 11:05

I found 14 months a difficult age as a parent because it's the boundary between "just" keeping them alive and actively parenting which I know sounds odd/ flippant put like that but they are now of an age where they can learn, they do need boundaries, you can set expectations. Yes, it takes time and is hard but they are not fully a baby any more.

iwasfineandlight · 23/12/2025 11:04

Chafing · 23/12/2025 11:01

OP: job for today.
Get DD to make a book for DS for his Christmas present.
And maybe a picture you can frame for granny?

Why on earth should her daughter be making something for the son?! Just to show her that she really means nothing to her mum?!

Chafing · 23/12/2025 11:01

OP: job for today.
Get DD to make a book for DS for his Christmas present.
And maybe a picture you can frame for granny?

Hazelmaybe · 23/12/2025 11:00

Well done on removing the screen time. I wonder if you can set up something on the floor for your toddler to explore (age appropriate things) and then sit down and start doing something at the table - glitter gel or gems, special pens etc or anything that you think may attract your daughter and just see if she joins you? Say you’re making something for grandma or someone. I wonder if that would work to engage her…

Leopardspota · 23/12/2025 10:59

My daughter plays with the iPad regularly - it’s not even switched on… she pretends to be her nursery teacher logging their lunch etc.

we keep iPads strictly for travelling (plane, train, long automobile rides) but the tv is a shared activity at the weekend or before bed. She’ll watch half an hour of cartoons while she eats supper and also watches tv during her brother’s nap time at the weekend (which allows me to clear up and then have some down time with her).

at 7 she should be able to amuse herself with toys / dolls/ crafts and also join in with cooking etc. she needs to be weaned off. You’ll probably find it easier to go cold turkey to begin with then reintroduce for specific times.