To worry about my 35YO daughter who is delaying having children to please her partner?

The plural of anecdote is not data.

Women's fertility is more complicated than you might have heard - BBC Future

Age-related natural fertility outcomes in women over 35 years: a systematic review and individual participant data meta-analysis | Human Reproduction | Oxford Academic

It declines, it doesn't 'drop off a cliff'

Grim, this is akin to stealthing, like starting a child’s life with what is essentially a sexual assault. Really grim,

Sillly girl, but she has to do her. 🤷‍♀️

@owlpassport OP's daughter has a few options.

She can speak to her partner, explain that she's unhappy leaving it any longer, and see if he's prepared to change his mind.
She can give him an ultimatum if she feels very strongly.
She can ask him why he keeps postponing, find out what his concerns are, or if he actually wants kids at all.
She can leave him if they're not on the same page.

Basically the more she knows about the risks, the more she can take control of the situation.
MN is full of stories of women who've been essentially tricked into remaining childless by men stalling until it's too late.

@owlpassport

"Disappointing to see so many posters perpetuating the myth that fertility 'drops off a cliff' at 35

The British Fertility Society would disagree

I would be encouraging your DD to get some fertility testing done, maybe even egg freezing.
It's impossible to tell if she will have problems conceiving without it. Even if women find it easy to conceive, miscarriage risks increase so it can take longer to achieve a healthy pregnancy.
Plus what if she wants more than one?
I think it's leaving it too late personally, if its something she really really wants.
I personally got pregnant very quickly at age 40 but I've had friends that started trying at 37 and it was too late. Her partner sounds selfish tbh.

I had my fertility checked at age 36 - 2 months off 37 - and it came back with ‘good’ - I’m sure she’ll be fine OP!

Obviously all women are different, but my mum had me naturally (by accident in fact) at 43. Most of the people I know who are having their first babies now are aged 35+

I think it's safe to assume that your daughter still has time to have a baby, and will not be the oldest mum in the playground.

The real issue is the unpredictability of her partner's wishes. If he does change his mind about having kids, your daughter will need to decide what is most important to her, life with him or a baby. It might be a bit hard to find another longterm partner in time but she could pursue the possibility of solo motherhood through a sperm donor.

I took the OP as meaning that it's becoming too old to have a child biologically, rather than than morally.

@owlpassport please post a graph that shows fertility not dropping significantly after age 35.

@BerryTwister If you're close to your daughter OP, I would suggest having a frank discussion about the very real danger of her never having biological children if she goes along with her partner's timeline.

So what do you suggest? She leaves him (and presumably a good relationship), and then what? It's unlikely she would meet someone, marry and TTC until 40 then. Alternatively, they split and she goes the donor route. This is still an option if he goes back on his promises.

But she's 35. She presumably trusts this man enough to marry him. It's her decision

Disappointing to see so many posters perpetuating the myth that fertility 'drops off a cliff' at 35, especially on a site like this.

OP, YABU and over-invested. If he wasn't ready, he wasn't ready. She chose to stay with him and plan a wedding so clearly she is okay with the timeline. Keep your nose out. It's not like you can go back 5 years and change it anyway.

OP have you expressed your concerns to your daughter? I think it would be reasonable to ask her if she has a plan B, if he changes his mind and stalls even longer? Will she accept being child-free, in order to stay with him? I also think she needs to think about the statistics and reduction in fertility as she gets older.

Plenty of women conceive easily at 36, but plenty don't. But I think that's probably the least of her worries.

This situation sadly has all the hallmarks of being one of those times when the man puts it off and off because he's "not ready", and then the woman's fertile years pass. The man is either happy, because he never wanted kids in the first place. Or he's finally ready for kids, and leaves his wife for a younger woman.

If you're close to your daughter OP, I would suggest having a frank discussion about the very real danger of her never having biological children if she goes along with her partner's timeline.

There is absolutely nothing you can do @Seasidesunshining

As a pure observation and not in the least scientific, obviously, "fence-sitters" of either sex, do not intuitively, really, want children.

12 years is a long time for her to acquiesce to what he wants over her own powerful desire to have children.

Her choices?

Is her need to have children stronger than living the rest of her life with a man who deceived her until it was biologically too late?

So difficult, you just need to be there for her @Seasidesunshining

What was his reasoning for waiting for so long? When he said he wasn’t ready, apart from being slightly older what has changed about their situation?
I had my 3rd baby at 36 my sisters both had children in their early 40’s as did my Morher and Grandmother, fertility does decline as you get older I would be more worried about her marrying someone who has wasted her time for so many years without reason rather than her fertility.
Your daughters partner had every right to say they didn’t want children but it seems cruel to say that you want them but then make your partner wait for over a decade for no good reason.

Can you suggest she suggests that they bring the wedding forward...why wait another whole year just for "a day", and then they can start ttc earlier? If he won't countenance it, I think I'd be questioning whether he'll ever be ready...

I’m surprised your dd has been happy to wait so long.

I would be worried too. I conceived easily at 30 but it took almost a year at 36.

It is not so much her age as whether she will be able to conceive when he is finally ready (if ever, it sounds like another excuse to put it off TBH). Sadly there is nothing you can do except perhaps point out that fertility declines with age, and it might be better to start trying now. Fundamentally she has chosen a man who is more interested in pleasing himself than considering his partner and their future, but I doubt if she will give him up easily now.

Seen this happen 3 times to my circle of friends…..
one is without children but married - interesting to see if that will last, how would you not resent him?!
one spent thousands upon thousands on IVF and ended up with one DC - wanted x2 but happy.
one got pregnant straight away, ended up with x2 and is very happy.

your daughters happiness probably depends on her outcome after marriage, me personally? I wouldn’t be waiting around! He’s had enough time, I feel if he really loved her he’d go for it! What would a years difference make!

Haha I’d have very little patience for this too.

Your DD should have already put her foot down about this, OP. They’ve been together 12 years and it took 13 for a wedding to take place. That’s fine if both people aren’t bothered about these things, but it signals a lack of commitment, or a very relaxed attitude at least.

And yes, women have babies later but the risk of infertility, losses and complications rises as you get older. It takes longer to get pregnant.

Not much you can say or do at this point, though.

I had my son at 35 (3 weeks short of my 36th birthday). I would have preferred to have had children younger, but it didn't work out that way. They've been together 12 years and are only now getting married - why has it taken so long?? Your daughter wanted children 5 years ago, but he wasn't ready. Does your son-in-law have the habit of changing his mind? Or for being indecisive? Of course there's always the possibility that he may change his mind, but equally he may not. You can't really do anything - just keel the lines of communication open with your daughter and be there for her, should he change his mind. In theory if he changed his mind, surely that would be the end of the relationship?

I’d be booking a registry office wedding asap 12 years is plenty of time to sww we code if you’re compatible . Time for him to step up or let her go.

She’s a grown up and decided to wait 12 years to get married to him knowing she wanted children.

Since the wedding is next year unless she wanted to be a pregnant bride then really she is best waiting till after or the month of the wedding. But if she genuinely wants children she’s going to have to be proactive once the ring is on her finger. Not waiting another year and another year.