To worry about my 35YO daughter who is delaying having children to please her partner?

Yup this. Shes given him far too much control over her fertility - what if he’s just future faking and continues to do so? Given they are getting married anyway, I’d tell him we are going to start trying now, and see what his reaction is.. It’s her call and if she’s happy then there’s nothing more you can do, but I would certainly worry that he is kicking the can down the road for a reason and defo isn’t wanting kids as soon/as much/ever..

Yup, this is here I'd be. Have a small wedding now and start tying to have a child. If he's not willing, there is her answer.

My sister met a man when they were in their mid 20s. I don't know what discussions were had about children as it's none of my business. They were together for 10 years before they got married, their first child was born 10 months later when DSis was 36.

They are still very happily married 22 years on, with two lovely young adult children.

I think in her situation she has to make a very difficult gamble. Either get pregnant accidentally (drop contraception secretly), wait for the wedding and hope like hell he has been honest about wanting children, or give him the ultimatum now and be prepared to leave him and try for a baby solo. She’s very unlikely to find someone else of quality to have a baby with in a relationship in time at 35 but it’s not impossible.

Accidental pregnancy gives her the greatest chance of having a baby. She will find out very quickly if he was ever going to want children (suspect he doesn’t and is tricking her). She just has to plan for the possibility that he might do a runner. But if he does he would have been a shit dad anyway. Women regularly have to throw caution to the wind in order to have children, and we suffer immensely for it. But if it is what she truly wants, she needs to do it now and worry about what her charming groom to be will do later. She should have given him the ultimatum at 30 but the tricky bastard is probably quite a charmer.

Haven’t RTFT but a few thoughts from a 36 year-old woman:

1. It is perfectly normal for men (and women) to not feel ready for kids until well into their 30s. He is hopefully not anti-kids and just stringing her along, but simply not ready. In some circles, 35 is honestly on the young side for kids, although you don’t say much about their social circle.

2. There is a high chance she is not desperate for children. Women who really really want to become mothers don’t tend to fanny around with men who won’t agree to their timeline. They give ultimatums, leave, etc. sooner than 35. She may not really care deep down about having a baby. Or rather, she cares more about her relationship with her fiancé than about having a baby.

3. If she (not you) is genuinely worried about the timeline slipping again, then suggest she freezes her eggs now.

It's a worry OP (although I had kids at 36 and 39 with no issues conceiving) but to be honest the key consideration here is that you can't do anything about it. As such, you simply need to hope for the best.

They could either bring the wedding forward or start trying just before the wedding , if he then says he wants to wait a year after marriage she can then tell him that she is not marrying him.

Did they discuss children when they first got together?

I got married at 36 and had my children at 37, 39 and 41. I would be worried about him changing his mind though.

I had my DD when I had just turned 36, but I only met XH when I was 30. I wouldn't have had a child at that age by choice. However, a lot of mothers are older now, so she won't be the only one.

The most important thing is that he is genuine now in what he is saying that that they start TTC as soon as they get married. If he delays it more and more, then she could end up childless.

I would find this a red flag as in such a long relationship it would be far more reasonable to have kids earlier.

Men in modern society are given a pass to just delay growing up in my view! They can push marriage and kids back as long as they like - but they can only do it if women put up with it.

How will your daughter feel if she struggles to get pregnant?

The problem is she could have left him 5 years ago, met someone else and have a child by now so she has had to squeeze every bit of commitment out of him at her own loss.

How long ago did they decide to marry?

Has the setting the date been dragged out as well?

Does he also want to be married for a set amount of time before ttc?

It's so irritating how the majority of posters talk like this is something he's imposing on his wife. She's a grown woman with agency and has decided to stay with someone who doesn't want children. She isn't a victim.

Maybe she doesn’t want kids quite as much as you seem to believe, OP @Seasidesunshining
Maybe she is ambivalent

Well, she chose a man over the possibility of having children. The wedding may just be another tactic to delay.

Sad, but it's her choice. She chose to stay with a man who has dangled a carrot over her for over a decade. There is nothing you can do, OP.

Why?

They say your fertility falls off a cliff at at around 35. A lot of the people I know who had babies in their late 30s had to have IVF. The ones who didn't took a long time to get pregnant. Seeing a lot of my colleagues going through it had a big impact on me. Working with people every day and seeing the emotional roller coaster, the appointments, the failed rounds of IVF, distress at other people's pregnancies was a total eye opener to me. I was younger than them and it convinced me to not delay having children. I know some people get pregnant easily even when they are in their 40s but the statistics show it isn't the norm.

@Seasidesunshining Do you know what the NHS board IVF age criteria is in your daughter’s area? Unless she/her fiance are quite wealthy it might be worth checking out if you are certain she wants children. In some areas it is under age 40, in some areas it is under age 37! Only mentioning it as something to bear in mind as I didn’t realise until it was nearly too late and only just scraped in under the deadline for my area - I had my only child eventually at age 40 by IVF (as a SMBC).

Her fiancé might not realise how difficult it can be for some women to have a successful pregnancy/live birth as you get to mid thirties and older. Certainly it might be even more difficult if she wants to have more than one child - I know many Mum’s of “onlys” like me started trying too late to have more than one.

Of course, unless she prepared to do it alone too, she can’t force/insist on her fiancé hurrying things up - but might he still be thinking there is plenty of time to enjoy themselves child free? I sometimes wonder if just because many people know of women having babies in their late thirties/early forties, they think automatically it will be that easy for them too.

She’s been with him since she was 23, is that right?
And I’m guessing not many bfs before then? Poor thing, it must be terrifying to think she may have chosen someone who doesn’t want the same life goal as her.

You daughters a grown woman but, when I first read your message I thought they'd been actually married for 12 years then I realised
I'm seeing red flags all through your script; he's delayed this long and says they can try for baby once married but wedding is still over there and waiting to occur.
Have they actually started planning their nuptials yet?
Bet daughters thrown more effort into it than he has.......
It sounds to me like he's got her where he wants her and I'm uneasy for you, my mum senses are going overtime
I'm going to tell you this now please don't hate me for it
I think he will, nearer the time delay again and God knows how many times after that; he will then claim daughters too old or find another 'fault' and ironically why lookie here, then will possibly find himself a newer model who could end up impregnated more or less straight away.
I've friends this happened to and they were never truly the same again
If it were my child I'd ask him his true intentions and state that no one needs a absolute blowout just a lovely memorable day if cost is prohibiting
When you speak to him gauge him/his reaction and unless you really are getting a warm fuzzy feeling.......
It may be time to speak to your daughter
I'm wishing you Good Luck my Love

Becomes a sunk cost fallacy. Do I stay with this man, who might be stringing me along, but has said next year. Or do I bin him, try and find another, spend a few years building a relationship with them and realistically not start trying for a baby for another 3 years.

What she needs is commitment that he's not future faking on the baby, and thats near impossible, its a trust thing.

I think others are right, it might be wise for her to have some fertility testing and perhaps trying and get herself in the best shape to conceive e.g vitamins and perhaps loosing so e weight if she has a higher BMI.

I don't think 36 is too old, I had second DD at almost 37 (first at 33). However my friend is in a similar situation and now they are married DH has said he wanted to move house first so there has been another delay. I feel like he is running her biological clock down.

I was in premature menopause at 38. No warning, no health conditions, nothing. Luckily I’d had kids.

Her wants dont trump his if she choose to stay. My partner and me were together a long time always both wanted kids. I had to have a serious convo now or never and we had our DD but he wasnt ready and either was in at differeent times before that. Her choice was leave and find someone else. He can say hes not ready and if that didnt suit her she left.

You are not unreasonable to worry OP. Don’t think there’s much to do though. She’s not going to be making any drastic decisions now that she feels she’s finally getting what she wants. She’d be very concerned about going back into the dating market at 35-36 also, understandably, if things don’t work out. It’s not as easy to say - just ditch him and find someone willing as it was 10 years ago.
Many women are having children in their late 30s and early 40s, of course risks are higher - I had my daughter at nearly 37 following 2 miscarriages. But again, at this point she won’t be leaving him and there’s nothing she can do to make sure he doesn’t change his mind. Also think a lot of men would think 30 is too young to have kids these days, 36 is more common