DH disappointing after me having cancer

It sounds like he coped with it by making his world smaller and predictable, like a reinforced comfort zone, which gave him the capacity to do all the other things while you were ill and not mind about any of the things he might be missing out on. He hasn't snapped back as quickly as you have, that doesn't mean he's boring.

I think it's fine for you to take the lead, make the plans and organise things without expecting it reciprocated straight away. Ease him back into real life without the pressure and get to do all the fun things you want to do. Stop asking for enthusiastic input, just say you want to see the film and book tickets.

Personally I don't think he's done anything wrong. He could be worn out from all the caring and being the main active parent, and needs to relax instead of going out? Perhaps he's trying to recharge his own batteries and wishes to enjoy his time with you. Couples therapy may help. Obviously you're physically well, but the cancer has affected your mental health.

if you think discussing things would be difficult and end in an argument, could you write down how you feel in an email or text? Just how you have written it here?

I strongly suggest you get couples, and potentially individual counselling. Both of you are having to adjust to a second "new normal" - post treatment life.

From your point of you, you have an increased awareness of mortality, and you want to live with more vitality. That's totally reasonable and understandable.

From your DH's point of view, he's been caring for you (and doing so well from what you say) and the stress of doing that while you've been so ill might have burned him out a bit. He wants to return to "old normal", and he wants to be a bit selfish about how he spends his time. That's also totally reasonable and understandable.

It also might be the case that you are both struggling to break out of the carer/cared for person dynamic. You want him to be attuned to your needs, and you don't see those as "caring" needs, but from his point of view, its still a focus on your needs. He wants to break out of the caring pattern, so he's trying stuff like sex, and going for long runs etc. Lots of couples find the transition back to "couple" from "caring" difficult.

Neither of you are wrong, you are just adapting after a stressful time.

Sending lots of love to both of you

I think he might also need his own counselling. Has he spoken about his fears over your diagnosis and treatment? You have both been through a very tough time and will both still have unresolved fears over the future.
Perhaps his “getting back to normal” is his way of (not) dealing with it, whereas yours is a “let’s make this day count”?
Maybe his agreeing to do things like that makes him scared that he thought he might lose you, and he can’t face that thought? An almost “if I don’t acknowledge it, it doesn’t exist” thing?

I came across this after illness and found it a cathartic read:

https://www.workingwithcancer.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/After-the-treatment-finishes-then-what.pdf

While cancer has affected you, it will have affected him too and maybe he needs emotional support as well - particularly if he took everything on when you were having treatment and didn’t process his own feelings? I wish you both best of luck

It sounds like it’s been a really tough time for both of you - he may be feeling exhausted from the stress of it all and just wants to stay in a rest on his days off? But understandably doesn’t want to burden you with his worries.

Neither of you are being unreasonable. You're experiencing a common survivor effect, which is that you want to "live" now that you can. He's experiencing a common supporter effect which is trying to go back to "normal". Neither of you are wrong but also neither are right.

You need to sit down and establish a new normal. You don't want to do things just because, you want to spend time with your husband. You need to tell him that. You should also probably discuss, with your therapist, your intimacy response. It's a bit problematic he isn't picking up the queues, but, according to your post, you're also not being entirely truthful as to the reason you're refusing to be intimate.

My advice is to not fall into the trap of many survivors of seeking an unreachable life now that you're in the clear. But also that your husband has to take on board you want to create memories and joy WITH him. If he doesn't want to do that, you'll both need to consider couples therapy. He may very well be seeking out your old, "normal" life to cement his idea that everything is fine now rather than deal with the trauma of his wife having had cancer.

I wonder if you would both benefit from counselling - it all sounds incredibly traumatic for both of you, and perhaps you both need help coming to terms with what happened and how to "move on", as it were.

As a gross generalisation women need to feel emotionally close to a man in order to want to have sex, whereas men need to have sex in order to feel close to the woman. As you both try to re-establish intimacy you are each coming at it from different, clashing angles. You need to talk it through.

I think couples counselling would be a great idea. He did step up when you were ill, he obviously loves you but I would bet there are a lot of feelings of fear and anxiety that he is repressing because a) he doesn't know how to talk about it and b) he doesn't want to burden you with his feelings after all that you've been through

The frustration you're feeling isn't unreasonable at all - often people expect you to be relieved and elated after finishing cancer treatment and your feelings are a lot more complex than that. Facing your own mortality is a trauma that it can take a long time to come to terms with and ongoing monitoring adds to the fear. I'm glad you're having therapy for some support in dealing with all of it.

I think if you have couples counselling, you can explore the issue of intimacy and hopefully help your DH understand that it starts with feeling connected and close and spending time together, before physical intimacy.

He doesnt sound like a bad guy but he does sound like he needs it spelled out.

Could you maybe have a look for a couples counsellor? Just to help you both navigate moving forward?

Was he like that before your cancer?

Maybe he is depressed/anxious? No doubt it has all been hugely traumatic (and exhausting) for him too.

I feel a bit sorry for him.

I wonder whether it might be worth looking at MacMillan or another cancer charity to see whether support they provide in terms of “life after cancer” type stuff? I’m sure you aren’t the only couple who have struggled with this adjustment.

Just ask him when would be a good time for a chat and set aside the time and talk to him. Why would it need to turn into an argument? He sounds like a good man and everything you say is inderstandable and reasonable.