DH disappointing after me having cancer

I think you’re right and we had it the opposite way around. My husband always wanted to go out and do stuff, I grew up in a home where we would never just have an outing or go for a meal - weekends were spent the four of us at home.
I found it exhausting always having to go somewhere and then my husband began criticising me for not planning things. It resulted in an interesting conversation - I said I already found it really stressful having to go on an outing every weekend (at this time we had very young children), I just didn’t think I could add planning something into the mix as well. The reason I didn’t plan anything is because I want to stay at home. He said he gets depressed just being at home and feels like he’s wasting the day.
So essentially two different angles and we found ways to compromise.
Now I like a day out at the weekend!

Tell him exactly what you’ve written above! He’s being unreasonable expecting you to live with no fun days out, and you’re arguably being unreasonable (though very understandably so given what you’ve been through) expecting him to forgo sex. Both of these things can easily be rectified.
(Personally as a practical matter that would help me a lot I would keep my pyjama top on in this situation..., at least for the first few times.)

The other huge help to me in supporting my husband with cancer, was the help I received from two female friends. They made it clear that I could phone or text anytime of the day or night. I didn’t need to take them up on it but I knew they were there. Few men have these kinds of friendships and most women would not be happy with their husbands sharing intimate details of their illness with someone else. It helped that both friends had either survived cancer or had husbands who had been ill with cancer. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn’t have access to the solid support and opportunity to talk that my friends gave me.
Sorry, OP. I am trying to say that your husband might benefit from the opportunity to talk to someone. Perhaps a counsellor?

When my husband had bowel cancer, I found the Bowel Cancer uk Forum so helpful. Posters were so kind and I was able to discuss my huge fears with supportive people going through the same things. It restored my faith in human nature. I found it helpful to have an outlet. It was a very difficult time but I was so grateful for his treatment and the fact that he survived and is fine with NED, three and a half years later.
For the first year, I was led by him in terms of outings. He worried about being far from a toilet. He just wanted to stay close to home and family. I was just grateful to be able to sit by him on the sofa in the evenings and have him beside me in bed at night. Things are more or less back to normal now. I try not to take for granted the small joys and triumphs. I won’t say every day feels like a blessing but it really did feel like that in the early days. I was frightened for a long time.
Everyone needs an outlet. For me it was the Cancer forums. I still feel grateful for normal and boring. I do hope you are able to reassure your husband that you are ok and you are looking forward to the future. He needs to be coaxed back into planning for the future whilst enjoying life in the present. I would advise you to go easy on both of you for this first year. Be very kind to yourselves. Good luck with everything and keep talking to your husband.

yes - my husband is like this

As for sex, your feelings are totally normal and he just needs to process that and what it means. Dh and I haven’t had sex in 2 years. And I cannot imagine when we will again. Initially, I was literally in too much pain, could not have supported my own weight, could not move my joints in that way, just impossible. I couldn’t even sit on the floor and get back up.

Now that the physical pain is better, it’s the emotional side. I’ve literally had a chunk of my body cut off and replaced with plastic and a skin graft. I have very visible unsexy scars. There’s a good section of my body where I no longer have any sensation to touch because I had nerves removed when they took out 60+ lymph nodes. Nothing feels normal anymore. That isn’t my fault. But it’s what we’ve been dealt and Dh has to live with the consequences of that just like I do while I start to feel well enough to approach normality again. It’s going to be years rather than months or weeks and that’s assuming the cancer doesn’t recur.

I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been through the experience of having cancer really understands what it’s like. I’ve gone through a year of treatment for melanoma (and 3 surgeries before that). I finished treatment and everyone is like woo hoo! You’re all better now! I would have said the same. But that’s not how it works. It’s a hugely traumatic and life changing experience. I think he probably needs some therapy to process it and you probably need some therapy together to talk it through. Because even if his intentions are good, he just can’t understand.

Gosh, this is your first take on OP's post?
I feel for you OP! Yanbu but the solution is good communication with your DH.

This is a very stereotypical problem without the cancer. Women generally need to feel close to their male partner to have sex. Men need to have sex with their partner to feel close. As boring as it sounds you are going to have to talk to him about this. You both sound a bit resentful of each other.

Please post this on General Health OP , there is a wonderfully supportive thread on there called The great recovery 4.
There are loads of people who have been through cancer treatment and the focus of the thread is on life after treatment.
I think that it will be helpful for you.x

Yes I’ve been there too, you have my sympathy. After my surgery , which was a much tougher recovery than I had anticipated, and I was on that horrendous Tamoxifen, began my worst time. I was so down and our marriage seemed to be in a bad place, I was so angry with him. He was struggling to understand how I felt, and I felt he had stopped caring. I look back and realise we should definitely have been in couples counselling, I strongly recommend you both do that.

It sounds as if you’ve all had a really tough time. It’s great that you’re on the mend OP but please don’t underestimate the strain your illness has taken on your DH and others who love you.
Neither of you are wrong but maybe it’s time for you to have some empathy towards him as he’s done for you.
I don’t think he’s terrible for wanting to take things a little easier and recuperate from what’s obviously been an awful experience for you all as a family.

He sounds tired and disconnected

My DH has stage 4 cancer and now in remission. The last 12 months were without a doubt very hard on him....but I also spent 12 months living in constant fear and anxiety. I kept all the plates of our life spinning during his treatment and I hope I supported him well. I'm so happy he's in remission but I am also completely and utterly burnt out. Like a balloon with the air gone from it I feel shrivelled. I love him with all my heart but don't know what I even want right now. I feel overwhelmed by even simple things like what I want for dinner or for a Christmas present. I could just crawl under a duvet and be left alone..... I still do my hobby because it's not one that can be easily shelved. I think my DH finds it frustrated I'm a bit flat, sad and passive at the moment. Normally I'd be better described as a force of nature!! He doesn't understand why I've just ground to a halt. I'm not sure I do. Probably I just buried all my emotions at the time to get through things and now I can slowly let them seep to the surface because it's 'safe' now. Probably he would want more sex. I feel so exhausted mentally I can't factor it in. I feel horribly selfish as it wasn't me that was sick.....the guilt makes me feel worse.
I don't know your DH, possibly he has just checked out or is lazy but if he was good before, he could just be feeling a bit like I am??

as rude as being on your phone appears to others, it is both addictive and ‘soothing’ for the brain in the short term, not unlike sugar.

if he’s on it a lot he may well just be subconsciously self regulating/self soothing. He’s had a hugely traumatic experience.

Also, men are absolutely not wired the same when it comes to sex. We see sec as the result of intimacy. They see sex as the intimacy. So he might see going for a meal or a walk as extra effort on top of depression, exhaustion, money worries or whatver. While you’re seeing it as bonding. And he’s asking about sex thinking he would like to bond with you, and you’re thinking fuck off you arse you won’t even bond with me on a walk or at the cinema, so why am I going to have sex with you?
The absolute mismatch that is men and women.

he needs to have this explained to him kindly, as he will not get it unless you do

(I’ll add a disclaimer that some men are just arseholes who have no interest in bonding through sex OR cinema trips - but you’ll know if he is one of these or not)

I think, how dare you - you’ve not wanted to spend any time with me for weeks and suddenly I should just bloody yield to your touch.

Tell him this. I think you should be blunt.

I also agree that you both need counselling, after a year of huge stress and worry he might be unable to plan and go out in the way you want to and need the switch off time but you need to find a way forward together.

I have breast cancer, apparently it is a thing that sometimes people don’t really start process what’s happened until after treatment, it’s a long road. But you need to talk to him and also I would suggest trying to find other people to do things with as well, so you’re not so reliant on him, this will align with your desire to live a fuller richer life,
X

So sorry you had cancer with such young children. Glad your DH was supportive during that. I have also had cancer, mastectomy, chemo, radio, diep, full node clearance, Tamoxifen though my kids were 14 and 15.

My DH was like yours during treatment and did lots and was lovely. Cancer like this seems to split up a lot of couples or make them stronger. Often the ones who split it's right at the start, men who don't want to help out or women who just want a different life. It's a thunderbolt and makes everyone re-evaluate. I think you clearly love each other and it's just finding a way forward.

It's common after cancer to want to live life to the full and not wait for things, this can generally be a very positive force but you need to find a way to make it work for your family. My DH does do lots with me but it is me who comes up with ideas and it's worth trying more ideas. We tend to try and do one really nice day every month or so, yesterday we went to see the seals on the beach at Horsey with the seal pups and to the 1940s cafe there. That is something could do with the kids as well if anywhere near Norfolk. Sometimes I do things with a child instead of DH. We also garden together which sounds dull and obviously not the ideal weather atm but that gives us chance to talk, buy beautiful plants and see the garden transformed. DH has got really into it, it's good exercise as well and 3 to 5 hours exercise a week halves the risk of breast cancer returning. My DH also comes swimming with me, sometimes he just sits on the side but even the car journey gives chance to chat. Could you ever join him on a run?

I am similar just been through a mastectomy it's such a life changing experience but for your DH as well. I think the pressure to get someone through all of that is a lot and he has been supporting you as well as him being worried and having his own trauma of having a wife going through cancer and looking after the children he is probably traumatized too. Keep communicating you have both been through a lot

Things to bear in mind. Women need emotional intimacy before feeling like sex, but men often need sex to show emotional intimacy. Not suggesting for a minute you should be doing anything you don’t want to, but might help with understanding his thought processes.
It can also be difficult for someone to swap from months of having a patient or carer role back to being a partner again.
I’ve had a very similar year to you. My DH has been great (I’m still on active treatment) but it really is a hideous time. Try to give yourselves time to slowly recover.

Couples therapy he’s probably still in shock!

About a decade ago, DP had a serious illness that left her bed bound for the better part of a year. While that year was hard for me (obviously much worse for her though), the aftermath was in a way even harder.

While she was ill, my role, my purpose was really simple. Do everything I possibly could to make the house run smoothly. Work were great and allowed me to go part time, so I was around for DD outside of school hours. And I also needed to make sure DP didn't go stir crazy sat in bed all day, it was exhausting, but it was simple, and it didn't leave a lot of time for thinking about the situation in more abstract terms.

That came when DP started to get better. DP had spent 9 months in bed contemplating her own mortality, and wanted to get out and about and make up for all the life she'd missed out on. I on the other hand just wanted to sleep, but couldn't because my brain was now letting me come to terms with the fact that DP had nearly died. I was also worried about DP overdoing it and regressing. I wanted to wrap her up in bubble wrap, and that was easier to do at home.

It took a lot of long talks to work out what our new "normal" needed to be. My biggest mistake was not going to therapy earlier. It felt kind've selfish to do it, like admitting that Id found looking after the woman I loved hard was a betrayal of her in some way.

So yes, talk to your husband. Explain to him that while he was great during your illness, you need something different from him now, but also accept that he may need something from you too at the moment, and that might be a bit of distance sometimes.

Once DP was fully well, we had a couple of weeks apart. She went on holiday for a week with her sister and friends, and then once she came back I went away for a week on my own. Booked a little AirBnB in the lake district, and just spent a week with my thoughts, out walking in the rain or sat in a pub with a book. For us, that was what really reset the relationship and got us back on track, it gave us the opportunity to miss each other.

I actually think this is a common problem, outside of anything cancer related, I know quite a few couples where the woman is really disappointed that the man shoots down ideas for doing stuff but doesn't have any ideas of his own or organise anything for the two of them, despite managing to organise things for hobbies etc.

Have you had a discussion about it already? What would happen if you said to him that the last few times you've suggested something he shuts it down without suggesting an alternative, and you're hurt that he shows no signs of wanting to spend any sort of quality time together when you have chance on your day off