MIL insisting on Christmas Day

Tell her ‘He’s our family now.” In an ominous voice. 😆. ‘We are his chosen ones.”

Glad to hear your DH isn’t yielding to her nonsense.

"MIL then pointed out a picture to him of MIL, FIL, DH and his siblings and siblings kids and she said you need to remember family forever and be more involved"

I think this is actually really emotionally manipulative and that would have pissed me right off on your dh behalf. The second your dh got married to you he created his own little family which then becomes first priority over her and his siblings who become his extended family. I also think it's deeply unfair that she thinks she's more of a priority than your own mother is.

Personally I think you're being entirely reasonable and MIL will just need to get used to not dictating, especially if you ever do decide to have kids because you'll need to do what suits them. I absolutely would not be pandering to this and would actually set a routine of your mums this year, mil fil next year your dad's the next year and then repeat in that order so mil knows she'll see you guys on Xmas day every 3 years and on boxing day the other two. This is super common and she needs to grow up a bit. Obviously it would be nice to have everyone together every year, but your parents need to have their turn as well and you also deserve to have an enjoyable day.

Give yourself the gift that we gave ourselves as a wedding present. Every third Christmas just you, at home together. It breaks up all the drama. And then when you have kids you don't go anywhere on Christmas Day but Boxing Day is open for relatives!

Agree with everyone else. She’s being weird.

Christmas is about immediate family first and then making sure everyone else is included - Christmas Eve and Boxing Day are definitely still Christmas in terms of inclusion.

Tell your MIL that you DO remember family and thats why you are not going to forget about your mum for the 4th year in a row.
If you go to your ILs this year AGAIN then you'd simply have to spend the next 3 with your side to make up for it. Surely she doesnt expect you to never see your mum on xmas again!

You want to keep the peace. She wants her own way.

Those are 2 very different things.

There was another post on here recently with someone in a similar position. my advice that time was not to reward the person having a tanty. You have 2 families and you are being completely reasonable.

Give in now and this will be the rest of your life. And if you have DC it will be 100 times worse.

This is the moment for DH to make it clear that he is an independent adult who will not be dancing to his mother’s tune. Stick to your guns, OP!

I wouldn't discuss it any further. Stick to your guns. You've offered boxing day. Your H should say 'I've told you our plans. Let me know if you're up for a boxing day visit '. She's really manipulative.

Sounds like she’s stuck in Christmas past. She’s developed the rituals and culture for Xmas since her kids were little or even since she first left home, and has yet to realise there comes a point when those rituals and culture need to be replaced with new ones. That’s about her ability to cope with change she doesn’t want to acknowledge. Fear is driving that. That it’s the thin edge of never ever having all the family round her table again. A form of grief.

I faced this, earlier, when dc were a bit younger. First due to Covid. They simply could not come home due to lockdown even though they were not in comitted relationships. And then in 2021, right off back of that, I ended up divorced. It was a massive shock to me to realise, even with adult kids, I now had to share what precious time they had off work to see their parents was reduced by 50%.

so external circumstances forced me to let go of Xmas past. I treasure those memories and culture, but I’ve now made new ones over last 5 years. They come up together every 3 years, with partners, (they both live over 150 miles away) and then other years they come up in December for my birthday and a bit of Xmas cheer. We do a video call on Xmas day together, whereever they are in the world, to unwrap presents together…and have started a completely new tradition suggested by my DIL, of making a cheap and simple gift for someone (blind names in hat) which we can then guess who made. These are distributed at my birthday weekend .

so, I think you need to tell mil what your future plans will be. Say one in 3 or every other Xmas at hers, and do something else like on Boxing Day. Assure her you aren’t pulling away, don’t love her less, but you love your new wider family equally, and now is time to start to move towards new traditions that deal with this changing circumstances. If kids come into mix it’ll need to evolve further. I’d advise you talk, ask her why she is so reluctant to give up her Xmas tradition, and ask why again, until you uncover what her insecurities are, and then address them. Sure, it’s jumping through hoops, but no one wants to live in situation where Xmas plans cause this much stress,

We told our adult kids many years ago that they should spend Christmas doing what suits them best.

We live in a nearby country and with work commitments we haven’t seen either of them and their families during the Christmas period in over 16yrs. 🤷🏻‍♀️

They usually try and arrange to visit us or we visit them during the summer at some point annually. We live in a popular tourist area so they enjoy spending holidays with us.

I know one of my DIL’s has a mum like your MIL who insists on seeing them on Christmas Day and her ex husband sees them on Boxing Day. Her mum never considers us at all.

WW3 would break out if we suggested they visit us with the grandchildren at Christmas instead of going to hers. So we won’t put that pressure on our lovely DIL. I know she’s grateful for that.

Christmas is really just another day out of 365 and it’s silly to get so obsessed about it to the point of falling out with your nearest and dearest.

Given the above, I think your DH should firmly say NO to his mum’s request this year because otherwise, it’s going to be even harder next time.

If you have children, you need to be able to make your own plans to suit you without feeling beholden to others.

Okay .. to hell with this.
I have no MiL, but still have an elderly (emotionally abusive, narcissistic) mother.
In another country! 😁

Back up your dh and tell mil you will see her on Boxing Day or next year

buckle Up op, by the sounds of it she’s only going to get worse as the years go on.

i say that from very personal experience

Wow! MIL is the gift that keeps on giving 🙄😡

Just adding my voice - from my perspective as a mother-in-law - to the consensus. She doesn’t get to decide what other adults do, or when they do it. Tell her to jog on, and it’s Boxing Day or nothing. If she kicks off still, make it nothing.

If you plan to have kids then you need to set the boundaries now. Otherwise, it will be an even bigger fight when kids come along because she’ll be used to getting every Christmas and getting things her own way.

She needs to be told that he is putting family first; you are his family and you’re deciding how to spend Christmas together but taking turns seeing extended family. And when kids come along, you’ll decide how that works by choosing what works for you.

She's being a loon.

You must not give it or it sets a pattern, just treat her like she's being an idiot child and hopefully she won't do it again.

She's given you your answer - you need to remember family forever.

you are now your husband's family. So your family has made the decision. Go to your Mums, adopt your husband's philosophy of not caring and enjoy.

by the way, I'm 75 with an adult child whose been with their partner for 35 years. I'm fully on board with the idea that when an adult child finds their partner, then Mum (it's usually Mum) can let go of being "the most important person" in the child's life and enjoy the other bits of parenting an adult.

Screw her! You do what you like

Mothers need to learn that their kids grow up and dont always want to spend xmas with them

Well thankfully she doesn’t get to insist that other adults do anything. So just ignore her nonsense.

Go to your mum’s as planned as see MIL and FIL another day. Though if they carry on like this I’d be inclined to go to your mum’s Christmas Eve and come back the day after Boxing Day.

It’s your mums turn and mil can just see you boxing day

and if she mentions family meet ups then your dh needs to point out she takes no notice of his work days and meets up to suit the other family member