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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL insisting on Christmas Day

60 replies

BaklavaPalava · 08/12/2025 18:40

DH and I are trying to sort Christmas and he’s getting some pushback from MIL, so I wanted neutral views.

Background is we’re married, no kids yet. DH and I got married a few years back and have spent each Christmas Day with one side of the family (my parents are separated so for example we spent one year with MIL and FIL, another with my dad, another with MIL and FIL). We have not been to my mum’s yet since we got married except for an hour or so last year to give presents as due to everyone’s work/holiday etc schedules it was the only day suitable.
We live within a hour drive from my mum and about 20 mins from MIL. MIL is also within an hour drive to my mums. So both families are local-ish but not close enough to pop across the road. MIL is insisting we come to hers on Christmas Day before or after going to my mums. My husband said what about boxing day but MIL said that it’s “not Christmas”. She told FIL that apparently DH might not come over on Christmas Day and apparently FIL thought she was joking and that he couldn’t believe it. Going in the morning would mean rushing all our prep, cooking, gifts, getting ready and driving around before even getting to my mum’s.
Husband said he doesn’t want to start the day stressed or rushing so he’d rather go to MILS on boxing day. MIL then pointed out a picture to him of MIL, FIL, DH and his siblings and siblings kids and she said you need to remember family forever and be more involved. For context, a lot of the family events are held on a day when he works and are chosen on a particular day to suit another family member so he doesn’t attend, but if they’re on a day he can attend he usually does. But generally he is the one who phones MIL to catch up with her every week, not the other way around. I wouldn't say we don’t get along but there have been comments over the years eg her saying she would object at our wedding because he’s her son, things like that, but this was a long time ago and things have been better since).
I am trying to be accommodating but AIBU to think we’ve already been twice for Christmas day in recent years so this should be a total non-issue and boxing day is just as good a time as any? It also means if we went on Christmas day we’d only be going for an hour or so which would feel very rushed and I know she’d say that we didn’t stay long. For those wondering, Mil will have anywhere from 5-10 guests so won’t be alone. My husband said not to worry about it because he’s not but I just wanted to share and ask WWYD because I just want peace and to get along.

OP posts:
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HoppityBun · 28/06/2026 15:04

My husband said not to worry about it because he’s not but I just wanted to share and ask WWYD because I just want peace and to get along.

That isn’t good enough now, OP.

You and you husband are a family unit and come first. Plus as others have said, if you have children they will be your family, too.

From now on, Christmas is in your own home. Be wary of creating an expectation that you host everyone else, too. Keeping the peace sounds nice but it’s a cop out and creates resentment.

Loulou4022 · 28/06/2026 14:47

Well done for sticking to your guns absolutely ridiculous for her to expect every Christmas! We planned to do one year my parents Xmas day and his Boxing Day then swap the following year, fell at the hurdle of the first year as I didn’t want my parents on their own and then his the following year so now we have both sets of parents every Xmas at either our house or one of theirs!! Good job they all get on!!

Liquiddetergent · 28/06/2026 13:46

You must put your foot down and do what you want while you don’t have kids

it only gets worse.

one year we tried to keep everyone happy by spending Christmas Day with time at my parents, time at DH parents then home for dinner. We were all knackered and all miserable as over stimulated and tired and it was too much rushing from one house to another and felt like a production line iof presents. Was hideous.

after that we alternated one parent had Christmas day , 1 Boxing Day or we did Christmas at home and people came to us. Much more manageable and enjoyable.

don’t engage with any emotional blackmail etc. state clearly what you are doing and if she choses to tantrum like a toddler so be it.

you have to be clear and absolutely resolute .

don’t budge on your position.

Original poster
BaklavaPalava · 28/06/2026 13:06

@MySilentLionsOnly seeing this now and replying so I hope there aren’t too many “it’s June” comments down thread! Blush In the end he went over on his own for a couple hours during the day on Christmas Eve (I was running errands) but we spent the evening doing our own thing as we go to church and do some other things together. The next day we went to my mums for Christmas Day and then the evening after that we went to his mums. Nothing was said by her to us but apparently an extended relative made a comment that it “wasn’t on” that my husband wasn’t there with them all on Christmas Eve and that she’d be having a word with him about it and that family won’t be around forever (despite him being there on Christmas Eve and on Boxing Day). I think this year we’d like to stay at home, so watch this space I guess lol Wink

OP posts:
MySilentLions · 28/12/2025 11:50

@BaklavaPalava what happened in the end?

SophiaSW1 · 21/12/2025 23:06

She sounds a bit too old not to have learned how to take turns yet. Ignore her nonsense. Don't reward it.

GreyBeeplus3 · 21/12/2025 22:20

She wants to have her cake and eat it doesn't she?
She'll see you when she sees you
And it sounds like she'll have her court in attendance anyways

chunkyBoo · 17/12/2025 18:12

It’s your mums year and they should be the whole day, like your MIL gets, otherwise next year she’ll have you for half a day only - she’s being a selfish brat
also what’s this about her objecting at your wedding 😳😳 was she drunk when she mentioned this?!

Ohthatsabitshit · 17/12/2025 17:14

Go to your mums, tell her you can come to her on Boxing Day but would prefer her to come to yours, then concede doing Boxing Day at hers. Next Christmas I think you and dh are going on holiday, but tell them (and book) at Easter. She needs to live the new normal.

Picklelily99 · 17/12/2025 17:04

Listen to your husband. Boxing day or "shame. We'll have to arrange another day then." She's being unreasonable and demanding and no good will come of it if you capitulate now.

Picklelily99 · 17/12/2025 17:01

sprigatito · 08/12/2025 18:45

She’s being outrageously selfish and needs to learn that no means no. DH must stand firm and tell her it’s Boxing Day or nothing.

ABSOLUTELY THIS! With bells on!

Fdsew · 09/12/2025 08:48

I think couples that make it clear that they will spend Christmas day as they want from the very beginning are wise.
Saying you will spend the day at home going forward and meet up over the holiday at some point serves those will demanding unreasonable family very well.
No discussion, just this is what we are doing going forward.

Original poster
BaklavaPalava · 09/12/2025 08:39

@Mothership4two FIL is more passive but would back MIL. I remember a few years back when we were still dating, MIL was upset that DH wasn’t visiting every weekend like he used to and ended up texting her a long paragraph saying things are different now and that we’re going to be moving in together and he’d be spending more time with me. FIL and IIRC SIL texted him saying MIL is crying. DH ended up apologising to keep the peace.

@WhereYouLeftIt I wouldn’t say an absolute favourite but DH is definitely the least enmeshed and least reliant on them for things. The siblings often get cash handouts, babysitting at weekends to facilitate SIL social life, meals every weekend. DH doesn’t accept due to the invisible strings attached.

For context we don’t go over often and they rarely come here. I think if MIL had been different towards me from the beginning instead of seeing me as someone who was taking DH away then things could have been different. But them’s the brakes. We get along fine generally in small increments, but I find a lot of it a bit performative eg things like nobody could know that SIL was renting (despite nobody else of her generation in the family owning their home yet), nobody can know how old MIL is, etc. We both find the negativity and comments about other people when we do visit quite grating and it’s not good for either of us because DH and I can end up bickering afterwards over something or other that was said. Sad but true.

OP posts:
XWKD · 09/12/2025 02:02

It's not up to her.

Let her insist away. I insist you come and cook my Christmas dinner.

MissDoubleU · 09/12/2025 01:57

BaklavaPalava · 08/12/2025 20:40

@Bobiverse Agreed, we’ve discussed spending the day at home after this year and hosting if anyone wants to join. The only thing is when it was brought up before MIL said she likes Christmas in her own house and is very big on everything being at “the family home”, so I can’t see them joining us. But ho hum.

MIL needs to accept you have your own family home now! She isn’t Queen Bee and families extending is a good thing.

You need to make firm boundaries and establish sometimes you do things your way and sometimes you say no. This is essential before you bring children into the mix.

Mothership4two · 09/12/2025 01:47

Late to the party, but tell MIL to grow up

What is FIL's attitude to all this?

Mothership4two · 09/12/2025 01:46

@Lurkingandlearning

Tell her ‘He’s our family now.” In an ominous voice. 😆. ‘We are his chosen ones.”
😂

Pistachiocake · 09/12/2025 01:27

Once married, we always invited both sets to ours. If you do this, she can't say she wasn't invited, but she probably will decline if she wants to host and have other family. Then it's not your problem.

nomas · 09/12/2025 01:18

MIL then pointed out a picture to him of MIL, FIL, DH and his siblings and siblings kids and she said you need to remember family forever and be more involved.

If it was me I'd say 'you need to remember I'm family when you schedule events for when my sibling is free but when I'm at work.'

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/12/2025 01:10

"... a lot of the family events are held on a day when he works and are chosen on a particular day to suit another family member ..."
Would it be fair to think that that there is a Favourite Child and it is not your DH?

Back your husband up here - visit them on Boxing Day. She's happy to centre another of her children in her plans, you should centre yourselves.

It's a good idea to set some boundaries now, before you have children. You don't want to feel railroaded into dragging your children away from their new toys just because she 'insists' on Christmas following her preferences. Nope, nopity nope. So get her used to the idea now.

"My husband said not to worry about it because he’s not but I just wanted to share and ask WWYD because I just want peace and to get along."
Your husband sounds like a good 'un. Have a ponder about "I just want peace and to get along"* *- you sound in danger of being a People Pleaser, and that is a very stressful thing to be. A People Pleaser puts her own wants and needs last because they feel they must put the wants and needs of other people first, particularly of those demanding people who love to disrupt everyone's peace and getting along if they're not getting their own way! Don't be a People Pleaser! Put yourselves first.

Oh, and have a lovely Christmas seeing your Mum!

Namechangerage · 09/12/2025 00:52

BaklavaPalava · 08/12/2025 20:49

Thanks @user1471453601 I appreciate that. My own family are more easygoing and fine with whatever me and DH do each year, it’s a non-issue. The ironic thing is MIL said to DH the same day that all she wants is her kids to be happy, and yet these arbitrary restrictions being put on visiting just cause unnecessary pressure.

  • happy as long as they do what she wants 🤣
Glamba · 09/12/2025 00:44

Times, they are a-changin'!

Now is the perfect time to start saying no. Don't expect her to make it easy for you though, she doesn't like it and is probably used to getting her own way. It's a battle a lot of people need to have with their parents sooner or later, just part of growing up.

MySilentLions · 09/12/2025 00:36

I’m just thinking how your Mum must feel! Why the heck should she miss out on seeing you AGAIN because of MIL being a selfish cow? MIL needs a fucking reality check!

OneNewEagle · 08/12/2025 21:51

Your mum hasn’t spent Christmas with you for three years. It’s not mil’s turn so id not see her on any of the days at all. Just drop presents off for under the tree a week before.

If was you I’d get this boundary in place now so one year is mil FIL, one year you are both together no one else at home, one year is your mum, one year with your dad and so on. And any year anyone behaves like this it becomes another year of both of you together at home.

I’ve not seen any of my parents for Christmas for years now and we had a couple of dodgy Christmases having to oblige my DP’s mum (and sister)….always a complete nightmare. They always want it all on their terms, change the terms and then have arguments between themselves and usually aren’t speaking by Christmas.

A classic example one year my DP was working Christmas Day and they decided that year of all years to invite just him not us (myself and my teenage DC) even though DP told them he’s busy at work. So DP took a special packed lunch to work for brunch, went there for a rushed Christmas dinner after work as didn’t want to upset me and tell me I had been completely excluded (we got no presents that year and had already dropped ours off a fortnight before) and then came home to our supper style meal together as we had planned late at night. My DP told me a couple of days later so i would not be at home all sad on the day but I still got upset that he let them manipulate him. They don’t even send us cards or a text nowadays.

So it’s just myself and my DP and pets at home every year and my DC the years they are free and not working.

soocool · 08/12/2025 21:26

So glad to be going away for the duration. I can't stand this angst about who and where and when.

Go to your mother's house. Go to MIL boxing day. Live with the fallout if any from people who should be grateful they are still talking to their adult children and not estranged. YET!