Page 2 | AIBU to get out of this wedding

InBedBy10 · 2025-12-06T15:21:27+00:00

I've already posted this on the relationship board but I wanted to see if I am being unreasonable to not go to this wedding? Im feeling very conflicted at the moment and I know AIBU will be more blunt with responses. An ex colleague asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I was shocked to be honest because although we did get on well and had afew (work) nights out, we are not particularly close. I agreed because I was taken by surprise and honestly didn't want to hurt her feelings so just said yes. I've since found out she has 12 bridesmaids. 2 of which are other work colleagues who were also surprised to be asked for the same reasons I was. She has told us that she has no budget for bridesmaid dresses and we can all wear our own dresses. It doesnt matter what colour and she doesnt need us to match. We also wont be standing at the altar with her. Just sitting up the front. Honestly the more I hear the more I think we are not really bridesmaids at all but i was happy to go along with it. Until now. For various reasons I really dont want to go to this wedding anymore. If I was just a guest I would send apologises and let her know I can't go. BUT Im supposedly a bridesmaid so I feel obligated to go. Even though I haven't spoken to her since October. Her wedding is in February and I still have no details - time, place etc. The other bridesmaids dont either. How do I get out of this without upsetting her? Do I have an emergency the day of? Or let her know in advance? In which case, what do i say?

Bitzee · 07/12/2025 16:37

Do you know for sure that the wedding is even still happening? If it’s supposed to in February and she’s not given anyone any details I’d be wondering if they’re having relationship or money issues that mean it’s cancelled but she’s embarrassed to tell people…

But if it is and you need an excuse then she presumably knows you’re a single mum of 4 so can you not say you haven’t been able to sort childcare without knowing timings etc. and unfortunately it’s too late now because your usual sitters/the kids dad are now away.

Delatron · 07/12/2025 16:28

Your reasons are all valid. Send your apologies now so she has time to let the caterers know.

Mauro711 · 07/12/2025 16:27

40 people and 12 of those are bridesmaids? Are there 12 groomsmen too? That's a very strangely planned wedding. 26 people in the wedding party + 14 guests.

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 07/12/2025 16:26

It seems like she’s invited people just to sort of make up… numbers? Like to make it look like she has guests?

I’d back out. It’s not your problem + you barely have any contact with her.

EleanorReally · 07/12/2025 16:21

reconsider in the j anuary sales?

BigBen12 · 07/12/2025 16:18

The person I knew like this didn’t actually get married. They were all over the place due to a really uncertain relationship, and it was called off a month out.

sunflower85 · 07/12/2025 16:13

InBedBy10 · 07/12/2025 11:39

This is partly true. I get really bad social anxiety and just the thought of this wedding is stressing me out.

Im also struggling financially (single mom of 4 with no help). I know she said we could wear our own dresses but I dont have anything remotely appropriate for a wedding so will have to buy a new dress, shoes, hair, makeup. I know people will say hair and makeup is not necessary but if im going to be bridesmaid I want to look half decent. And really cant do makeup myself.

Its also a small wedding - 40 ish people. And ive just realised through talking to others that everyone there will have their partner with them. Ill be the only one on my own (no option of bringing a friend) which only adds to my anxiety. And yes I know it's pathetic but thats how I feel.

Show quote history

It’s not pathetic, I declined my former colleagues wedding invitation (I was just to be a guest, not a bridesmaid) for the same reason, my invitation was just for me with no plus one for my husband to come. I don’t really know her family and friends that well and I don’t like making chit chat with strangers (it doesn’t come easily to me!) so I had to politely decline.

YANBU to decline, having 12 bridesmaids when there are only 40 or so guests at the wedding is unusual and I’d be inclined to think as you mentioned, that she’s just trying to make up numbers.

EleanorReally · 07/12/2025 13:25

that's different if you can't afford a nice dress op and she wants you to buy a dress.

Isobel201 · 07/12/2025 12:27

An ex colleague and you don't even know her family that well presumably? Nah, your just a guest who she decided to say you're a bridesmaid but she hasn't bothered to make the effort to even match the dresses.

FastTurtle · 07/12/2025 11:45

InBedBy10 · 07/12/2025 11:39

This is partly true. I get really bad social anxiety and just the thought of this wedding is stressing me out.

Im also struggling financially (single mom of 4 with no help). I know she said we could wear our own dresses but I dont have anything remotely appropriate for a wedding so will have to buy a new dress, shoes, hair, makeup. I know people will say hair and makeup is not necessary but if im going to be bridesmaid I want to look half decent. And really cant do makeup myself.

Its also a small wedding - 40 ish people. And ive just realised through talking to others that everyone there will have their partner with them. Ill be the only one on my own (no option of bringing a friend) which only adds to my anxiety. And yes I know it's pathetic but thats how I feel.

Show quote history

It’s really not pathetic.

Original poster

InBedBy10 · 07/12/2025 11:39

DramaQueenlady · 07/12/2025 07:52

Can you say being a bridesmaid has really triggered your anxiety and can't bear the thought of being in front of all those people. Due to anxiety you can't cope blah blah

This is partly true. I get really bad social anxiety and just the thought of this wedding is stressing me out.

Im also struggling financially (single mom of 4 with no help). I know she said we could wear our own dresses but I dont have anything remotely appropriate for a wedding so will have to buy a new dress, shoes, hair, makeup. I know people will say hair and makeup is not necessary but if im going to be bridesmaid I want to look half decent. And really cant do makeup myself.

Its also a small wedding - 40 ish people. And ive just realised through talking to others that everyone there will have their partner with them. Ill be the only one on my own (no option of bringing a friend) which only adds to my anxiety. And yes I know it's pathetic but thats how I feel.

OP posts:

ParmaVioletTea · 07/12/2025 08:05

YANBU to pull out. It sounds as though she’s looking to have a ready made support group to do all the organising.

LAMPS1 · 07/12/2025 08:04

I think you need to pull out of being a bridesmaid and then wait to see if you receive a proper invitation as a guest. To me, it sounds as if she’s not sure she wants to get married….but with so little wedding chat from her, who knows, it could be anything.
If you don’t know each other that well, it should be easy enough to make some sort of vague excuse.

Dear bride,
Thank you for asking me to be one of your 12 bridesmaids. As you know, my initial response in October was to happily accept the honour but as time has gone on I have become increasingly concerned that I may have cause to let you down because of growing family/personal/health/holiday/finance commitments on my part. Therefore, I feel it best to let you know today, that I am no longer in a position to fulfil the role of bridesmaid. I do hope that his isn’t letting you down too badly.
Wishing you all the best with your wedding planning and preparation.

Mumsntfan1 · 07/12/2025 07:58

Depends on why you don't want to go. Could you tell her the truth or at least something near to the truth rather than makkng up a random excuse?

DramaQueenlady · 07/12/2025 07:52

Can you say being a bridesmaid has really triggered your anxiety and can't bear the thought of being in front of all those people. Due to anxiety you can't cope blah blah

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/12/2025 07:49

So you wear your own dress and have no other role in wedding but are bm with many others

depends how much you like her ?

if local I would go , if far away and hassle /cost/hotel etc cancel now

SparklyGlitterballs · 07/12/2025 07:18

You're not a bridesmaid, you're just a guest who has had an artificial label attached.

Make whatever excuse you would have given if you were a regular guest, because that's what you are. You're not obliged to disclose an exact reason, you can just say the date no longer works because "something critical has come up". Send your profound apologies, maybe a small gift if you feel inclined, and leave it at that. Best do it now before she expects her "bridesmaids" to arrange a hen night/weekend for her.

rainbowstardrops · 07/12/2025 07:11

I don’t understand why you want to decline now either.
It sounds as if it might be quite a laid back affair, so far more preferable than to be dealing with a bridezilla who wants everything Insta perfect!

Chichichochi · 07/12/2025 07:02

To be honest, it sounds like the easiest bridesmaid gig I’ve heard of to date, so in this instance, I don’t really see the problem with sticking to what you’ve agreed to?

RoaRiRi · 07/12/2025 06:59

I don’t understand why you’ve got a problem with it. Yes it’s unusual, but you still like her and you know when it is. I would go to the wedding - out of curiosity and also not to let someone down. Close friend or not - you’ve made a commitment and you should stick to it. It would be rude to pull out.

EleanorReally · 07/12/2025 06:56

what are you worried about?
that it will cost you too much
that the travel will be too far?

EleanorReally · 07/12/2025 06:54

i dont understand why you feel you have to say no tbh

Thanksforyourlackofthought · 07/12/2025 06:48

ThejoyofNC · 06/12/2025 16:23

"Hi bride, unfortunately due to lack of clarity around the plans I'm going to have to pull out. I've got other things happening around the same time and was hoping to try and make it work but without the details it's not going to work for me. Sorry and have a lovely wedding."

Problem with this is, if she then replies with details you are back to square one.
You have the date so probably just say sorry but a family function is on the same day and you hadn't realised. Don't give too much detail.

Original poster

InBedBy10 · 06/12/2025 17:18

IsItSnowing · 06/12/2025 16:24

You haven't seen her for months. How can there be any fallout from you just saying sorry you don't want to do it? You barely have a relationship now so even if she cuts you off you've hardly lost anything by it.

I know you're right. I dont think we'll see much of each other after this wedding but she is a lovely girl and I feel terrible to think im letting her down. But on the other hand would she really care? Probably not. I feel like im just making up the numbers.

OP posts:

FastTurtle · 06/12/2025 16:38

ThejoyofNC · 06/12/2025 16:23

"Hi bride, unfortunately due to lack of clarity around the plans I'm going to have to pull out. I've got other things happening around the same time and was hoping to try and make it work but without the details it's not going to work for me. Sorry and have a lovely wedding."

This is good.