AIBU to get out of this wedding

@InBedBy10
How did it go?

OP, can we have an update on this?!! Did you go or did you not? What was the wedding like? etc etc.

I'm getting 7 brides for 7 brothers vibes 😂

I'm questioning my maths skills here but are you saying that for a wedding of 40 or so people, there's bride, groom, 12 bridesmaids and 12 groomsmen, so 26/40 are in the wedding party?

That leaves 14 people not in the wedding party, so 7 relatives (or non wedding party) per side for the bride and groom? What a bizarre set up.

Just message thanking for the official invite but say you didn’t realise you already have plans for that date and want to let her know at the earliest convenience. Wish them all the best and that you’d love to meet up after the wedding. She then has time to draft in another random bridesmaid - Do it asap!

Well pull out of it before she does. You are all being used.

Are you sure she is right in the head?

40 ish attending wedding. 12 bridesmaids plus partners (except you) = 23. If there are 12 groomsmen and partners that makes 47 supporters. All sounds very weird.

So, 40 people attending.

12 bridesmaids, 11 of whom will have partners with them? That’s 23 people out of 40.

This is sounding weirder and weirder than. No details re time and venue, 40 guests and 12+of them are bridesmaids, wearing their own clothes and without bridesmaids duties?
Am I the only one who has doubts over whether this is happening at all?

How about explaining you have social anxiety, and that because you’d feel you’re there alone, if you’re able to take a +1? If she says no, that’s your easy way out. If she says yes, is there a friend you could take with you? +1 doesn’t have to always mean a romantic partner.

Are you sure there actually is a wedding? All sounds a bit strange to me 😬

I’d say, ‘I am so flattered that you have asked me to be a bridesmaid and I thought my role would be what I traditionally understand it to be. However, I seem to have misunderstood what was being asked of me and I really don’t think I’m the best suited person for the role. I don’t want this to detract from your special day, so please accept my apologies.

(then depending on if you go)
I would, of course, love to still be part of your day and see you get married / Love to you both and I will be thinking of you on your special day.

With all good wishes (? Not sure if too formal) x

It sounds so ... strange.
Yes, pull out now before you incur any expense. She has 11 others!

I wonder what was going on in her head. When I was young a girl (young woman technically but very immature) from our church was getting married. She told us she'd chosen 8 or 9 bridesmaids which seemed a lot especially as she didn't have a big family or big social circle.
On the day there were 4. I chatted to one at the reception and she seemed really uncomfortable and didn't know anyone else except her own daughter (also a bridesmaid) and didn't know the bride that well - they'd met on holiday a couple of years before. The others were people she had met in temp jobs and most of them had agreed and but then several dropped out later. One just didn't turn up on the day. It was really so strange. It was almost as if she had tried to reinvent her image as a social butterfly for the wedding day.

It is all absolutely batshit. First opportunity just message her and say 'Hi, apologies I was caught off guard with the bridesmaid question and agreed without consulting my diary. Unfortunately I will not be able to attend that day but thank you for the invite'. Then send a gift if you want but I would not bother, you never have to see her again.

In no circumstances cancel on the day. That would make you a dick. Tell her now.

Do you know if the other people she has approached to be bridesmaids are also planning to pull out? You also haven't mentioned if you have met the groom? I think the main thing is to let her know ASAP. You have plenty of valid reasons for extracting yourself. Given you genuinely like her, I would suggest within your response you suggest meeting up separately before or after the wedding instead and go from there. If you have an address, I would send a lovely card rather than an email and include an update about your own life and kids too which will normalize it all.

I think you are being completely reasonable to not want to go/be part of the wedding. But there is no need to lie about it. Just message along the lines of…thanks for asking me but on reflection we aren’t very close/don’t see each other and I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to continue as a bridesmaid as a result…you get the idea.

It sounds a strange wedding. It's small with 40 odd people but 12 of those are bridesmaids!! How many groomsmen will there be??? The bride isn't paying for your dress, you can wear a dress/colour of your choice and so far there's no actual bridesmaid duties to perform!! The fact you are a single Mum, money is tight and you will struggle to afford a dress, shoes, hair and makeup is enough on its own to decline the bridesmaid role. When you add in the anxiety this is causing you, then I don't think you are unreasonable to pull out.

There are 12 bridesmaids and everyone other than you will have a partner there, that's 23 to start with (assuming none of them are partners of each other of course), plus however many groomsmen that aren't partners of the bridesmaids, that doesn't leave many spaces in the 40 attendees! Sounds very peculiar, you're definitely best off having no childcare!

Honestly I’d just tell her that you’ve had some health challenges recently and you won’t be able to go to the wedding, and she should carry on making plans without you. If she pushes, maybe mention anxiety, but honestly she can’t force you to disclose anything you’re not comfortable with. A real friend wouldn’t put you on the spot to disclose anyway, they’d just say hope you feel better soon.

If you've got 4 children and are a single mum, I'd say you're unable to get childcare. It's one of those things people can't argue with, and if you're a bridesmaid then you can't look after them on the day either.
Definitely do not wait till the day-of, she will have paid for your spot with the caterer and it's really busy the morning of the wedding, its cruel to add to that and she cant fill your spot last minute. It's much more reasonable to have a good excuse before hand! Don't feel bad, just pop a message "gosh so sorry, my planned childcare has fallen through and can't find anyone else, I think it's best if I cancel now rather than take up a place whilst not being sure I can attend. So sorry, have an amazing day, let's catch up soon".

I'd send a message saying you're so sorry to let her down but being a single mum of 4, you e realised that the cost and logistics of you attending are just going to be too complicated and in order to not let her down nearer the time - once the details have been released - you're going to back out now. Send her a nice card and present and say you'd love to go out/have her over for dinner to celebrate once the wedding is done. If she's as lovely as you say, I'm sure she'll understand. If not, then you know where you really stand on her priority list. Then you can relax now and not have it hanging over you. Absolutely no need to feel guilty about this either - all sounds a little unusual anyway!

Seems a bit weird. 12 bridesmaids with no dresses and no role to play.
I just wouldn't bother turning up

Does she know that you have social anxiety? I'd probably say that whilst you'd love to be a bridesmaid you're starting to have panic attacks at the thought and have regretfully decided to pull out now so that you don't end up letting her down on her big day...