To think that it's a bit rude that the dad turned up to playdate instead of mum

YANBU
The play date was as much for the two mums to get together as the kids.
She should have texted or called to say she was ill and to rearrange. The fact that she didn’t tells me she’s a bit odd - I wouldn’t bother with her again. The kids can play at school.

No way i’d have sent my ex partner over instead without messaging to let the mum know. Like in this situation, there may be reasons why the person may be uncomfortable.

I probably would've messaged, but just out of general politeness. Presumably, she has been fortunate not to have experienced the same kind of trauma, so that wider context of feeling uneasy with a man you don't know just didn't occur to her. I guess she thought because he was with their child, it wouldn't be uncomfortable - but of course, the reality of a playdate is usually that the kids disappear and you're on your own making small talk with the parent. I'm sorry, OP - 💐

Can't really think of a way to prevent this in the future... Except perhaps a pre-emptive text on the morning of any playdate confirming arrangements - maybe asking specifically if "Name of child" or "Name of Mum" have any food allergies or dietary requirements as you're getting some snacks in - that should prompt anyone planning to send their partner in their place to say so?

What if the situation were reversed? Imagine your husband answering the door to her, a man she’s never met, and then inviting her in to stay for two hours. Do you think she’d be comfortable with that, or would she just decide to drop off her daughter and leave? It really just comes down to basic communication. She absolutely should have given you the heads-up.

The mum should have just said that she was poorly and to ask if ok if her hubby goes around - least then you would've had the option to rearrange another playdate or suggest going out somewhere. I'd have hated having a stranger in my home, male or female for 2 hours. Ug, 2 hours of polite chitchat.

Same, mothers complain constantly they want men to step up and get involved so they help out and now that is an issue

Am surprised by the answers on this thread. I would assume the invitation is for the kid and not mind which parent joined them. Have had mums and dads over here. Hadn’t even occurred to me that anyone would mind. But I am in an area where dads parent their kids….

I would expect a message saying that the mum is unwell and the dad would bring the child over. But otherwise wouldn't be bothered with the person bringing the child as well as would totally understand them staying. I would never leave my child in the new home either; most parents I met are the same.

She very clearly says she invited the mum and the child

You’re a right knob. Seriously - you accuse a woman who has been abused a man hater and mock her for needing a ‘chaperone’? I strongly suspect you are a nasty and entitled man. If you’re a woman, hang your fucking head in shame.

Would never have crossed my mind that there was something specific about which parent went.

I would never have reacted this way. I’d feel uncomfortable - without necessarily fearing - having to entertain a strange man in my home, so would sympathise.

Many other women would be extremely triggered by unexpectedly being alone ( with children in another room ) with a man they did not know. Sad that it should be so, but a somewhat inevitable result of male violence and sexual harassment

They really are lacking brains between them. Who on earth wants to make small talk with a man they’ve never met before in their own home for hours. Why would they think it was perfectly fine to assume this was reasonable? If you know the other mum, that’s totally different!

For what reason did you feel it was necessary to be so flippant and dismissive about the impact of OPs trauma? And you're not the only one, plenty of women here have done the same, amazing how much shame victims are meant to feel if their abuse has had any impact on them, especially if that impact relates to men.

You invited the child for a play date , why does it matter that her dad brought her, it was as about the kids not the adults

Nah, this is weird. You arranged with the mum, so you were expecting the mum - that's pretty obvious! I would think it was very weird if some other random person turned up and sat in my kitchen for 2 hours.

Why on earth does he have to stay? He can just drop off and come up 2h later

it’s interesting the different views on this

the op invited the mum and child for a play date, kid was excited, mum unwell. Dad takes kid instead so kids don’t miss out, dad stays as kid is nervous as it’s first time,

camp 1,the parents should have realised the op maybe a victim of trauma and asked if the op was ok with a man being in the house.

camp 2. It was a play date, both parents are parents, and as long as one brings them it’s fine, neither parent was to know the op was a trauma victim,

im in the second camp im afraid, id just think as long as one parent brings the child it’s fine and men should be active parents. For all they knew it could have been the dad of the ops child who was there not the op.

i think as many peiple wouldn’t immediately think of trauma round men for a play date for kids, the op needs to make it clear when inviting for a play date she can’t have the fathers involved.

Weird of them not to say anything esp if you don't know the dad, and he basically invited himself in

YANBU

She absolutely should have given you a heads-up. It would’ve given you the chance to say, “That’s fine, he can drop her off and go,” or to make your excuses and rearrange. I’d find that totally unacceptable. It must have been so awkward. I’d have been really uncomfortable in that situation. It’s a bit off that she didn’t just message you if she was ill and apologise for not being able to make it. Have you seen her since? Simple communication is all it takes.

To use the dreaded words 'play dates' are for children to play, i have a life outside my child so if children are invited for a play date it is in the name

And I can be in a space with someone of the opposite sex without a chaperone, having children does not need to make them your whole life

If women dont want to be around men stick a sign up outside saying 'no men allowed' would be easier

YANBU at all. Apart from my DH who is my best friend I find men much harder to talk to than women. I feel more at ease with women and could easily find common ground to chat for a couple of hours. I can make small talk for a short while with DH’s friends and my friends’ partners and one on one for an afternoon would be would be really uncomfortable.

We wouldn’t have done this unless we were all already friends and I knew you and DH would be at ease together. Lots of women don’t want to be alone with strange males, and for good reason. Plus if you invite another mum for a playdate where you’re clearly expecting her to stay, that’s usually an overture of friendship towards her as well as facilitating the children’s play. It’s weird to just sub in your DH without even asking first.

Sure, but i guess in this instance I see the invitation as being directed towards the child, not the parents, so ergo any caregiver to accompany the child is fine. We usually take turns to take our dc to parties/playdates etc

Well no. I don't see why I would want to invite some random woman to entertain for a couple of hours. Usually if my kids had a friend round they were occupied with each other giving me 5 mins peace.

But then again I've never wanted to seek out friends simply because they got pregnant around the same time as me