To think that it's a bit rude that the dad turned up to playdate instead of mum

TBH I would find a stranger (male or female) a tad awkward. All the play meet ups I took DS on were with mums I had got to know a bit first. Playdates usually meant a drop off.

I guess life is full of surprises which keep us on our toes.

Of course YANBU. A heads up text was called for if they knew the child needed the parent to stay and they weren't just dropping off. It's a person's private home. Same would go for sending a nanny to stay without warning.

I think that's basic manners without the sensitivity to issues of male on female violence.

And to people saying it's your issue OP and you should just work on it... that type of work can take time. I hope you get some help OP, because the fear you're describing sounds awful to live with and you don't deserve that.

You've misunderstood me - I'm not saying it's good, just that that's how it seems to be. I found it really striking that the way I would have guessed mixed groups of parents would interact wasn't actually how they did. I agree it's sexist in a way and I found it odd! But it felt exactly as though the unwritten rules had changed and the way I expected to mix wasn't the way it worked any more.

My gut feeling is there might be something going on that's to do with relationships and people being coupled up, so actually single dads, or two gay dads, possibly wouldn't find themselves on the opposite side of that divide to women in the same way dads in couples do.

The thing about a woman being invited to a 1:1 playdate in someone's home and her male other half turning up instead is a special case. There are enough women with bad experiences with men, and enough horrible partners and husbands who can be coercive and jealous and who would give a woman a hard time for having had someone male visit for two hours, that I don't think anyone should assume a last minute substitution with the dad instead must automatically be fine. It's just considerate. It shouldn't matter, but sometimes it does.

I agree!
How bloody rude!
No wonder you were uncomfortable. People have no idea.
Poor you, must've felt twice as long!

I’ve been there too, when the paranoia becomes so irrational that there’s no reasoning with them. Every word you say just makes things worse.

There’s no way he would have let, having another man in the house, go, for months, maybe even years after that. I would’ve been instantly guilty, the children definitely wouldn’t have been allowed to spend time with or associate with that other family again.

You really do not know what someone’s home life is like behind closed doors. So sending a stranger (make or female) with no prior warning to spend time in someone else’s house is a no from me.

Even if it’s a woman, a paranoid partner, in my experience, would have an issue with having a new unvetted ‘friend’ round.

Parents staying for play dates, is that a thing now?! Can't think of anything worse, especially if you don't really know the other parent!

My ex would give me grief whenever we had workmen in. Even if he was the one who’d organised it. Constantly accusing me of all sorts. It is very scary being so uncomfortable in your own skin you can hardly speak.

I was for a longtime. Getting a bit better now.

They absolutely are. Don't be sexist. Also, what do expect to do if the child has 2 dad's, or a single dad? Exclude them from all playdates????

See if we did that, none of ours would ever have a playdate because my DH is the SAHP. I absolutely do inform people that I'm not going to be around, as there are many international families who have very rigid rules about that. They will then arrange a time when the other kids dad will also be there.

"housethatbuiltme · Today 12:50

But it firmly falls into 'your triggers are YOURS to deal with', other people do not cease to have rights because you may have irrational suspicions of all men.

This is a dad parenting his child completely normally, bringing her to an event she was literally invited too, he is allowed to exist and be a parent to his child, he did NOTHING wrong.

Men are 50% of the population, literally half of all people. OP needs to work on her issues herself not expect 50% of the population to mind read that she has a phobia and tie themselves in knots to protect her feelings.

You are allowed to feel certain ways about things but you are not allowed to put it onto other people and expect their rights to change for your comfort."

This. Sorry op. Yabu. If you have special circumstances and wishes, you should let them be known before. Noone will mind read you. To most people, a dad bringing their 5 year old kid to a playdate and staying is very normal.

I do have friends unconnected to kids just always open to making more. It’s just nice to also have friends where children are friends too, we do holidays, festivals with friends. I’m not desperate to make friends with all mums in the class but with few I’ve had a good connection. Also I’m curious why wouldn’t you want to get to know the parents of your child’s friend? Do you not want to know what sort of people you’re sending your child to? I’ve heard quite few horror stories about play dates.

My mum is still close friends with few of my school friends mums that she met when I was in Y1. I just always thought that’s the natural timeline of making friendships - I tend to make friends that are at similar stages of life so we have things in common. School, sports, uni, work, hobbies, traveling, children. Some stay forever some fizzle out.

Yeah that’s true actually , she did .
This is my second time being corrected on this thread 🙈 .

Honestly, I wouldn't think twice about having coffee with the Dad of a schoolfriend. I'm sorry for your past trauma, but I suspect you're the outlier here.

Apologies ScarlettSole 🙈 , that infact is exactly what you said 😊

Why are you so interested in getting to know them ? I'm curious here. Don't you have friends of your own unconnected to kids

But she expected the mother to stay

One of the strange things about moving into parent circles for the first time is that the rules you've got used to from groups of peers, especially university and young adulthood, are replaced by new ones. Having been used to interacting with and getting to know peers regardless of sex, suddenly there's a new unwritten rule. The dads mostly forge connections with the dads, and the mums with the mums, but not so much between those groups (unless it's couples becoming joint friends).

It's a bit discombobulating when you first realise the rules have shifted (and it is a pity in lots of ways), but it does make some sense. Other parents aren't really like your peers on a course, even if it feels a bit like that because you're all new to parenting and your kids are peers. They're far more like strangers, and the connections made are different. Mums and dads aren't interchangeable, especially for 1:1 playdates in someone's home. They might be for a playdate at a park, and this child's parents should probably have suggested something like that or just cancelled.

Funny because I said id suggest "they" drop off, not me. Maybe try reading properly next time? 😊

Wow I must be the only one who is genuinely interested in getting to know the parents in my children’s class. All our playdayes have been with a parent present so far. My oldest child is nearly 6. He’d want me to stay at least the first time in the new house. I’m obviously very new to the whole playdate politics but it’s very interesting to read that most of you would hate getting to know your child friend’s parent or god forbid made a new friend 😀

i don’t think the mum was out of order to send her husband but I think it wpuld have been polite to let you know re the change of plans.
being able to make small talk is a social skill, many posters seem think that it’s ok not to be able to do this… really?
i doubt this man was thrilled to be making small talk with someone he hadn’t met either but he did it for his daughter not you!

The only reason I'm willing to host playdates is because it means I get a couple of hours to get things done!

Fuck having to entertain a parent, mum or dad, for 2 hours whilst staring at the washing I had planned to do/kitchen I'd planned to tidy (and spend the time worrying they were judging me for the mess when I was meant to be using that time to do it!).

Nor me but i suppose it depends on the child. Mine was always happy to be at a friend's house without me and his friends came to me without parents. It was less formal a few years back

I honestly don't think anybody has been rude here, people just have different ideas about how things are done. I am sorry for the op given her history but no harm was done and she'll be more specific about what she wants in future.