To think that it's a bit rude that the dad turned up to playdate instead of mum

I think it's rather insane to think I'd drop off my 5-yo at someone's house for a few hours after having just chatted to them at school gates a couple of times. No way I'd leave them alone at a stranger's house.

I would be curious to hear your therapist view on this situation.
They should be able to provide you with some insights on how to navigate common situations like this one. Chances are you going to be in proximity on men in many different scenarios, so knowing how to react is crucial.

Sorry for your troubles, but how on earth do you expect this couple to know all that ? And you have the gall to call them rude when instead of cancelling the playdate they made adjustments to still go ahead so they children could play together.
You are being utterly unreasonable.

Oh totally OP, next time he should probably send a formal memo, a carrier pigeon, and maybe a PowerPoint presentation titled “Why Dad Will Be Doing Drop Off”. Because obviously no father should ever dare show up to a playdate without at least three weeks’ notice and your written approval. Absolutely scandalous behaviour.

I was trying to act normal but was preparing for him to attack at any moment. I wouldn't turn my back on him for a second and at one point even walked backwards towards the coffee machine I was trying to look nonchalant but I'm sure i actually looked like a total lunatic

Please see your GP for some help - you can't go through life like this. How do you work or interact with people on a day to day basis?

OP states in her updates she offered for him to leave the child and he said the child was nervous so he wanted to stay with her. OP invited the mother for coffee and the children to play, it was meant to be a social occasion for all four of them.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all, it’s your home and safe space, you prepared for one situation and got another.
Mum should definitely have done the reasonable thing to say “I can’t make it today as too unwell and don’t want to share my germs but DD can still make it, expect Dad to come but of course if it’s not suitable then we can rearrange” It’s just good manners

I think some women on here may not see the world in the same way as some of us do (or they don’t believe the stats) Sarah Everard was raped and murdered by a married, father of 2 police officer. There are sooo many examples but we all seem to forget this as long as it’s not front page news. It’s perfectly reasonable to not want a man you don’t know in your home, OP should have been given the opportunity to reschedule.

Luckily my kids are now adults- there never seemed to be a need for parents to hover over their kids or send random blokes along to play dates when they were young...

There's no way would I ever have had a random bloke that I'd never met before in my house. He could literally do whatever he wanted behind closed doors.

Are you all insane?

I think it was rude if her not to text you and let you know, especially as you invited her for a coffee as well rather than just phrasing it as a play date. I would have hated it as well.

Because you're sat in the same room as him while the kids play? What's he going to do, teleport??

But as I said originally, if that was the reason you cancelled the playdate I wouldn't rearrange it. So you do you.

You know that how?
Because no married men are out and out weirdos or predators right?

I like many men a lot. However, over the years in my very comfortable middle class life I have been sexually assaulted, hit hard enough to bruise (by random man in street for no reason), sexually harassed on many occasions ( once by man dressed as woman in public lavatory) and been patronised on numerous occasions. I have also observed my schoolgirl daughters been letched over and shouted at from passing cars. These are common occurrences for most women.

The perpetrators of the above abuse were all men. The statistics tell us that the overwhelming majority of sexual and violent crime is committed by males.

It is therefore unfathomable to me that I would not be wary of being alone with men I don’t know or not advise my daughters to be cautious too

He's coming so that his child and your child can play, not to rummage through your underwear drawer 🙄 he's not a cold caller.

Bollox to that.
NO random bloke would have got through my door.

She did and the dad said he wanted to stay as the child was nervous about not having a parent there. And the OP invited the mum partly as she felt they got on well so she was expecting to get to know the mum a bit better. It seemed like an invitation to the mum and the daughter. From what the OP has said in updates anyway.

Why didn't you just say ' thanks for dropping her off what time will you be back to collect her?' why invite him in to sit for 2 hours? Next time when you arrange a playdate at yours make it clear in the arrangements you don't expect the parents to stay & agree a pick up time so you have child ready with shoes & coat on at the door so parents don't have to come in.

Play dates with 5 year olds is generally really awkward. Some children aren’t comfortable or old enough to be left in new environments and sometimes you don’t know the other parent well enough to trust them with a drop off play date.

I would stick to park or soft play play dates until they’re a bit older if this interaction was too awkward for you. I would have also found it difficult to make small talk for that long - whether it was the mum or dad.

Even though my DH is the complete opposite of my past, trusting and never paranoid or accusatory, the trauma from my past relationship lingers. Years later, it still shapes my behaviour: I avoid eye contact with other men on the street, I always sit facing the wall in restaurants to avoid being accused looking at other diners, etc.

This “previous programming” can persist even in healthy couples with no outward issues, hidden. Even if you know the couple, a quick text before hand is the right thing to do so they can decide whether to make adjustments or invite the stranger in. Or they can simply mention it to their partner for their own leave of mind (even if it’s not needed or expected).

A woman in this situation might feel deep discomfort around other men, not from fear of assault or unwanted advances, but from anxiety over explaining innocent interactions to her partner when he gets home, even if no explanation is needed.

You are being totally unreasonable here.