DH "betrayed" by vibrator

Why would you be upset? Masturbation and sex are completely different things. Many asexuals masturbate but have 0 interest in sex with other humans.

I posted before you said what the issue you have been dealing with is.
Yes, I think it’s a form of cruelty or spectacular self-absorption or both to behave like this about a sex toy when you have life events to deal with.
I don’t think you have to get past this if you don’t want to, but I think generally I would avoid adding more stress at this difficult time - I.e what you want to do about your marriage can wait for now.

As someone who is in a sexless relationship I’d be very hurt and rejected if my partner started buying sex toys and masturbating instead of making steps towards improving our sex life together. You don’t really need several sessions on your own to figure out how it works before introducing it to your partner - you should have fun trying it out together. So yabu for that.

however since you appear to be married to a moody, grumpy arsehole who has decided to withdraw affection and support at a time when you really need it just because he’s upset about sex, yanbu. What an absolute twat. He could have just spoken to you about it like an adult but he’s sulking instead

Sorry am I in a parallel world ..

Her mother is dying.
He prioritised his ego and sex over looking after his wife...

And she's supposed to understand that?

No. He's being a dick and a shit husband. She shouldn't have to understand. She shouldn't try to

She needs to understand why the man who she married, who is meant to be there for her....has prioritised his ego and getting his dick wet over her pain....

I really don’t think it’s any of his business tbh. My Dh has a low sex drive and I was thinking of getting myself something. I would hate to be criticised for it. I don’t understand why anyone would think they could tell anyone what they can and cannot do with their own body. Your relationship isn’t great, sex is just once a month but you aren’t allowed to use a toy? Seems a bit out of order to me.

I think it's fairly simple. If a) he never masturbates and b) he weren't being a grumpy arse and giving you the silent treatment, then his reaction might be considered vaguely understandable (though still not really reasonable). If not, then he is being totally unreasonable.

The idea that he somehow ‘couldn’t help’ treating you nastily because he was suppressing his feelings because of difficult things you had going on is sexist bollocks. He chooses to treat you nastily.

I'd be telling miseryguts that the vibrator is, literally, a lot more fucking use than he is.

I think a couple of posters have given you some good advice. But, too many others are too keen to condemn and not keen enough to understand.

My take is that many men invest a lot of their ego in their sexual abilities and, if this is challenged, it is a blow. Before we go with the ‘poor menz’, I think many women (and increasingly men too these days) base a part of their ego on their attraction, which is why so many are hurt by partners looking at other women masturbating over them.

So, although in an ideal world, jealousy over this kind of thing shouldn’t exist, in the real world it always will.

And people need reassurance, especially if a relationship is already tricky. I think it is great you got a vibrator and enjoyed it! But you shouldn’t have kept it a secret. You could have said I am enjoying my vibe but can’t wait to use it together, or something like that.

You are right that, morally or ethically, you have nothing to apologise for, but sometimes the only good thing about being right is being right! What harm would it have done to have an open and honest discussion about being still attracted to your husband, but the marriage being in a difficult place.

Ultimately you both need to decide what outcome you want (him too! He has got nothing positive from his reaction) in your relationship and work towards it. Point scoring just won’t help.

I'd be more concerned that he'd very obviously been snooping around in my personal space! (Unless you left it on show!) My sex toys are in my bedside drawer and not obvious when the drawer is opened.
My husband knows I have them and use them solo. It's not a problem. I think you have an other half problem, which is bigger than the sex toys to be honest!

Tell him the truth, you have a sex drive that you’d rather fulfil on your own at the moment.
It’s not unreasonable to not feel sexually attracted to someone who talks to everyone like shit.
He is responsible for getting help for his mental health not you.
I wouldn’t want to have sex with a man like this either.

A lot of people have weird ideas about possessing someone else's sexuality just because they're in a relationship with them.

I've felt like I've wandered into some purity culture website on MN sometimes when women are feeling betrayed at their partner masturbating or looking at women with big tits on Tiktok.

And vice versa.

I can’t vote either. Obviously it’s fine to use the toy but I do think your husband as soon as it arrived before using it together…

Because one is normal and the other is batshit. Sometimes you need to understand what is acceptable and what isn't.

^ 🙄 honestly what makes some people come into a thread like this and boast about how amazing their life is compared to the OP's

OP - your husband needs to fix his moodiness first and foremost, because that'll just grind you down if it continues. I don't know how you'll do that I'm afraid, from your posts it seems like that's just who he is. Maybe the couples therapy will stop him bottling things up.

The sex toy 'betrayal', well I can sort of see it from his pov - you aren't having sex with him but you've bought something that (1) shows you do get horny and you do still like sex... just not with him, and (2) gives you fab orgasms he (thinks he) couldn't give you.

All that becomes totally invalid if he's wanking off to porn of course.

What kind of pathetic manbaby have you married, you poor, poor woman?

For contrast, my now husband took me shopping to my favourite sex shop about 18 months into our relationship and bought me about £350 worth of toys. Including a WeVibe, a Hitachi Wand and various lubes.

My Hitachi is the most amazing thing I own! Neither I nor DH could get me off manually the way the Hitachi can. I lose count at about 25, not even joking.

An emotionally intelligent and good man would love seeing you get off.

This guy sounds pathetic and my vagina is drying up just thinking about his whining.

Absolutely go for it if you’re both open.. it’s usually one party won’t go so honestly I’d take that and run!! I’ve heard it can do a world of good for relationships.

I think it probably comes down to the lack of sex and then you masturbating in secret (not that this is wrong but just to pinpoint the issue). If he’s sensitive it could be a am I not good enough thing I reckon. Have you said to him if he was a bit more upbeat you might be a bit more inclined to do it? Do you go out and do things together? Maybe try a date night have a nice evening together and it might spur on the moment a bit.. if all else fails I’m not sure where you’d go with the relationship

Ask him if he ever has a wank. And whether or not you should feel betrayed by his hand.
Then tell him to get a reality check.

What? Having an orgasm solo is a very different thing to having sex, you can want one without wanting the other

So you've been dealing with bad news and needed his support, but he's been cold and distant because he's sulking about a sex toy?! I mean, he's shown his priorities very clearly.

Honestly? It shouldn't be this difficult this early on in a marriage. The moodiness etc won't get any better - bin him.

As others have said, you’ve done nothing wrong, and it’s easy to see why he’s feeling hurt and drawn the conclusions he’s drawn. I hope once you’ve explained that you had plans to involve him that helps how he was feeling. But like you say, you are free to use it without him too. I’d try not to get too angry at him if you can - just be glad issues are getting brought to the surface and that he can explain and apologise for how he has been behaving. Let’s hope the talking continues.

Nobody needs to tell their partner when they’ve had a wank. It’s absolutely nobody else’s business. No exceptions.

I expect if your sex life was going all guns blazing he wouldn't care. What's upset him is that you're not having regular sex, you'd talked about getting some toys together to spice thing up, then you've used them without him.

'Betrayal' is a bit dramatic - but I can understand why he'd feel a bit shunned.

The real issue sounds like the reason you're not intimate is his moods.