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Original poster

DH "betrayed" by vibrator

64 replies

Nancylancy · 29/11/2025 23:44

Name changed for this.
My marriage hasn't been great for a while, DH has a tendency to be moody / grumpy and things seemed to get worse as the crap weather and dark evenings have started.
We spoke a few months ago about maybe getting some new sex toys to spice up our sex life. I had a look online, and a few weeks on I decided to get one of those rose things. It arrived, I tried it, great.
DH started getting more moody, so I didn't bother introducing him to it and we probably havent had sex for around a month at this point (we are usually about once a month). I've since used it a few times on my own to see what it was like, with the intention of introducing it to sex once I'd got the hang of it myself.
DH did try to initiate sex a couple of weeks later, but I had a yeast infection so we couldn't.

Things seemed to spiral with his mood, I haven't wanted to go near him as he's been fucking unbearable and we basically have been avoiding each other until he's finally come home tonight and spilled all his feelings to me.

He found the toy, and felt hurt I had kept it secret. He knew I'd been using it, but he never let on, nor did he try to initiate anything more than that once. He's hurt that I apparently prefer it over him, and that despite him communicating a need, I still decided to fly solo. "Betrayed" was the word he used - he says more because of the secrecy rather than the fact I got it and used it without him.

To complicate things further, the reason he didn't talk to me about it was due to me having some bad news I've been dealing with, so he was trying not to put anything on me. But as a result, he's not been able to contain his feelings, which have led to weeks of coldness and distance at a time I needed him to be supportive.

I genuinely don't know whether to be absolutely fucking raging, or whether to try and understand his feelings and reassure him. I said I won't apologise as I categorically have done nothing wrong, but are his feelings still valid? Should I have told him I'd bought it (bearing in mind our earlier conversation about getting something for us both to use?) would you be upset if a partner did this?

He has taken accountability and apologised for the way he's been acting and there's no doubt he should have communicated how he felt somehow. But at the same time, I just want to scream what the actual fuck. I don't have to fucking tell you about when I want to masturbate.

OP posts:
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Theloudbiscuit · 24/07/2026 07:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Retired65 · 02/12/2025 20:28

Thanks for the link, Unfortunately I can't seem to scroll down to read it.

beAsensible1 · 02/12/2025 18:38

TheWildZebra · 02/12/2025 18:32

I’m sorry OP. I can just imagine your husbands attitude and, quite simply, it stinks. Sure, he can feel betrayed or whatever that you used a toy, but really he should have enough resolve not to feel like that. Frankly he sounds a bit wet, emotionally manipulative when you’ve been going through a tough time, and self involved.

good luck but I think I’d be putting this as one of the black dots by his name.

Extremely emotionally manipulative. And coming up with betrayal angle because he knows his behaviour during such a tough time is rank.

beAsensible1 · 02/12/2025 18:37

Masturbating is not the same as sex. It’s also not a replacement. Sometimes you can want to masturbate but not want to have sex.

you can masturbate and still want and need sex from your partner. It’s not either or?

how can you want to have sex with someone who is moody and miserable.

they’re two separate issues. And it’s not betrayal.

knowing you’ve had such devastating news about a parent and acting the teenager is so self serving and childish.

LeafyLou · 02/12/2025 18:33

It depends if he is someone who is open-minded to try new things for a great sex life and makes sure you have an orgasm when you have sex. I think if he makes you feel you don’t get there quick enough or has a quickie and wraps it up then and there and leaves you unsatisfied, then I can understand keeping the new sex toy a secret. But if he is a caring partner about these things then I can understand he would feel he has a rival.

TheWildZebra · 02/12/2025 18:32

I’m sorry OP. I can just imagine your husbands attitude and, quite simply, it stinks. Sure, he can feel betrayed or whatever that you used a toy, but really he should have enough resolve not to feel like that. Frankly he sounds a bit wet, emotionally manipulative when you’ve been going through a tough time, and self involved.

good luck but I think I’d be putting this as one of the black dots by his name.

SpaceRaccoon · 02/12/2025 18:23

No-one has the right to dictate how and when someone masturbates.

Newbutoldfather · 02/12/2025 18:22

Ultimately, a relationship isn’t a court of law, attributing fault and awarding compensation.

If you want to stay married, you have to communicate in a positive and sympathetic way, which the OP sounds like she has done.

The only think point scoring will achieve is further alienation.

Human beings aren’t automatons and often feel negative emotions, especially in tough times in relationships. The solution is listening and understanding (from both sides).

JustMe2026 · 02/12/2025 18:18

You complain he wasn't communicating about things well neither were you..If you can't get that right in marriage don't expect everything else to be right either.

TheendofmrY · 02/12/2025 18:12

Tbh I’d stick with the vibrator over the grumpy DH who doesn’t think you should be orgasming without him.

socks1107 · 02/12/2025 18:09

I see this from both sides. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong at all, it’s your body and you shouldn’t have to tell anyone what you do.
but, you haven’t had sex in over a month, you don’t seem to have a lot of sex anyway and he sees the vibtator as a replacement to him and his hurt and worry has spilled into moodiness, which he recognises and that’s a good starting point.
maybe have some better communication, but neither of you are wrong as such

WinterBerry40 · 02/12/2025 17:53

WinterBerry40 · 02/12/2025 17:38

Actually !

Show quote history

Haha I'm watching t.v. as well , I should have wrote Exactly !

WinterBerry40 · 02/12/2025 17:38

InterestedDad37 · 30/11/2025 01:47

Ask him if he ever has a wank. And whether or not you should feel betrayed by his hand.
Then tell him to get a reality check.

Actually !

Laura95167 · 02/12/2025 17:34

If a man was looking at porn and refusing sex with his DW most people would say he was unreasonable.

I think its fine to masturbate, its fine to have a sex toy. But your partner finding a secret toy i can see an issue with. And whilst I understand all the "enjoy it myself... before introducing it" but thats your rationale he knew nothing about. Hes just being pushed away for a silicone rose.

From his perspective: youve had some bad news so hes tried to be considerate, hes initiated sex and been rebuffed (regardless of the reason) and then found a secret new sex toy. And it sounds like the issue is the secrecy and rebuffing him for maturbation opposed to anything else because your OP says "some new sex toys" implying you already have some hes aware of and ok about.

So I think its not about being overly apologetic or raging. Just tell him what you said in your OP and maybe say sorry if that came across as inconsiderate.

Gfdeh · 02/12/2025 08:37

Yanbu.
He sounds abusive for a long time and now thinks he has control of your body?
Careful op it has a whiff of coercive control.

Perhaps get some counselling for yourself.
Do you really want to be with such a moody controlling person.

It will get a lot worse as he ages.

WalkDontWalk · 02/12/2025 08:15

AshesUnderUricon · 30/11/2025 11:46

I'd be telling miseryguts that the vibrator is, literally, a lot more fucking use than he is.

....reverse the roles on that one and see how you feel about it.

catontheironingboard · 01/12/2025 23:55

InterestedDad37 · 30/11/2025 01:47

Ask him if he ever has a wank. And whether or not you should feel betrayed by his hand.
Then tell him to get a reality check.

This. FFS the man is getting sulky over a piece of plastic! That’s not normal, nor is it any kind of “betrayal” of him.

OP, the sex toy is not your problem. The sulky moody manchild behaviour is. If it wasn’t about the sex toy it would be about something else. I’ve had a partner who sulked like that and it’s never to do with that he says is bothering him; it’s all about sulking and moodiness as forms of attention seeking, and him bolstering his ego by spreading his emotions around other people who are supposed to baby and mother him.

It’s deeply childish behaviour, and you’ll probably find his parents spoilt him in some way and he expects you to do so too.

CantBreathe90 · 01/12/2025 23:47

Oh the bitter irony - you've taken to masturbating rather than having sex with your H, because he's a moody twat, and his response to that is to... get in a mood? I can see why you're not interested in going near him!!

Bit on the controlling side too imo - "you're not allowed to orgasm, unless I feel happy"?

Original poster
Nancylancy · 01/12/2025 23:10

Some of the recent replies don't make much sense, but just to clarify - yes I used it on my own a few times - not because I didn't know how to use it / figure out how it works. It's a clitoral massager. I've recently started antidepressants and it's making it hard to climax, so I'd suggested something to help me along during sex and also maybe make it a little more fun. I'm extremely sensitive in that area and I had heard they can be very intense, so no I didn't want to let DH use it on me until I felt comfortable with it.

Then some people seem to have missed the fact that although the ORIGINAL intention was to use it together, I then didn't WANT to involve him because he was a moody cunt who I didn't want to have sex with. It's been a bit of a catch 22 really.

Anyway, I do have an update. We've had a calm talk about everything and it's not really about the toy at all - which is I guess kind of a relief. It's about him feeling rejected and not cared about in general, and the same for me. As I said, our relationship hasn't been amazing lately either way, and him finding a toy I guess solidified his perception that I didn't want him therefore don't care about him. I've also been so hurt by the fact he chose to treat me so badly for weeks instead of just talking to me about how he feels, at a time when I needed him the most.
He's agreed to communicate better and I've reassured him I do in fact love him.

I will message those of you asking for the link!

OP posts:
Bungle2168 · 01/12/2025 22:31

My response would have been to tell him that the Kong Dong was not for me, but that the thought of me using it on him was giving me tingles, and that I was hoping to keep it a surprise.

Speckly · 01/12/2025 22:20

I've since used it a few times on my own to see what it was like, with the intention of introducing it to sex once I'd got the hang of it myself.

I was on board and understood both your point and his… until this sentence. Frankly, it reeks of a desperate excuse you’ve placated yourself with since being found out. Who are you trying to kid? You were just practising then, making sure you’re getting it right? 🙄
You know you should have introduced it together if that was the discussion.

TimezoneEarth · 01/12/2025 21:19

Retired65 · 01/12/2025 19:58

Sorry I am not answering your question but I would like to know the name of your virbrator?

I came here to ask this same question!
Could you post a link to this 'great' purchase please?
👹

Draytoncb · 01/12/2025 20:31

Everyone's sex life is unique. All I can say is that going down on a woman while she's using a vibrater is an extremely civilised way of spending the time.

Retired65 · 01/12/2025 19:58

Sorry I am not answering your question but I would like to know the name of your virbrator?

176509user · 30/11/2025 19:21

None of his business if you want to use your vibrator. It’s private.
If it makes him feel insecure it’s more to do with the way the marriage is at present.

Does he ask your permission if he needs to have a wank ??

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