OH wants to take kids to MIL's on Xmas Day after lunch & leave me home alone?

YANBU @snowhunny

If he thinks it's reasonable to leave you alone on Christmas afternoon after you have done all that work, he can come back to a set of divorce papers because he is not a fit person to be anyone's partner.

Well your OH and his family all sound a bit weird but you also sound a bit passive.

My take on this is that you are the one doing the cooking and shopping and buying gifts and if you want the children with you on Christmas day then that is what will happen in your own house. He does not get to eat dinner and then disappear off with the children or invite his family over unless you have agreed. You also do not have to buy his family gifts. You do not have to cater for them. He has to pull his finger out but is he now saying that instead of going to MILs he now wants the cousin to come over to yours?

I would be rethinking this relationship.

After all your hard work making christmas special, you should get to have time after lunch to spend quality time with your kids, not MIL who makes no effort. Id be telling him he can go by himself.

When it was DC's birthday a few weeks ago one of his cousins wanted to visit with their kids. OH told me "Can you go upstairs or go out to the cinema so we can have family time?"

I don’t think I have ever read anything that screams ‘YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER’ more than this. If you own the house and you aren’t married just kick him out. Literally tomorrow. None of this is normal and he sounds horrendous but why are you settling for this? You literally get one chance at life and you’re ruining it with a man you clearly loathe. It hardly sounds like he’ll be going for a high % custody of the kids, does it?

"I have already suggested many times that it's time to move on and for him to find his own place, I literally feel like a prisoner in my own home."

Honestly OP. Your house give him notice and get him out. Life is too short to live like this.

Obviously, that won't be happening, unless your middle name is Doormat.

Is he always a bit mental, uncaring and selfish? Apples and trees.

Your marriage appears to be over, get your ducks in a row.

OH has just invited himself to bring the kids round to MIL's after dinner.
She never invites him round, he will have to always call her to arrange going round.

This just gets weirder and weirder. If OH is making the plans, then it's OH's decision that you're not invited, nothing to do with MIL?

He is only really doing it for his own reasons like saying "It's every mother's dream to see her grand kids on Xmas Day." This is just stupid; but you must know that. Not every mother even HAS "grandkids", and none do initially, so it can hardly be "every mother's dream". And anyway, how much experience does HE have as a mother? If none, it sounds like he's fantasising and "mansplaining" to you, an actual mother, AND he's speaking over for his own (another actual) mother, who isn't bothered enough to invite the "grandkids" at ANY point, let alone on "Xmas Day". Fuck that.

Also: Basically I do all the Xmas shopping for the kids, decorating and I make Xmas dinner for everyone. But why isn't your "OH" doing half?

He can take them Boxing Day, definitely not xmas day. What a selfish prick!

Yeah, this sounds like a distinctly cultural* thing, and women in your position will never, ever, prevail.

• by which I’m not alluding to any group necessarily un-British, or non-white, by the way. You can find pretty peculiar cultures just five miles down the canal towpath! And in a good few minor churches, too of course.

Don't suggest its time for him to move on - evict him and change the locks. If necessary seek legal help to make sure it sticks.

I am the other poster that you quoted and you seem to be getting your wires crossed. We’re not blaming her and we aren’t suggesting she stops buying her children presents, we are saying stop doing the extras. Buying for her own children, putting up a tree and cooking what is essentially a nice roast should not be super stressful. What is stressful is all the extra stuff she is having to do. The house is hers in her own right, she isn’t married.
We are simply pointing out that if hosting extra relatives, buying extra gifts is awful because her OH won’t help her do anything then she should say she’s not doing it.
My DH didn’t used to be as helpful as he is now but I had a conversation and put my foot down, he had two choices pick up the rope or do a Christmas of my choice which would have been solely centred around my own children and I certainly wouldn’t be allowing anyone to make me feel unwelcome in MY own house. Instead of her suggesting he leave, she needs to tell him to do so and put the wheels in motion.
As I’ve said Christmas is the least of this couples problems, they have a whole host of issues.

Do heed this, OP. There is no time to lose.

That’s exactly what i would do

So your house is owned solely by you and you aren't married? That's great news. You can just change the locks and kick him out. He is treating you with total disrespect. How dare he tell you to leave your own house on your own child's birthday so he could entertain his relative without you there?

You need to get properly angry about the way he treats you. Just suggesting that it's time for him to find his own place won't work. He's too comfortable and he is treating your house as though he owns it, not you. The awful way he and his family have treated you has worn you down so it is hard for you to challenge him but you hold all the cards. He hasn't a leg to stand on legally once you throw him out.

Just say no . Christmas is to be spend with my own children . If he even dares to go haunts my wishes with the children it would be the last Christmas we would spend as a family !

That’s on you. Just don’t do it. If he asks for some tea just say ‘ooooh yes please. I’m just poping to the loo’

@snowhunny I’ve only read your messages, so I’m sorry if I say this if someone has already suggested it. Your husband is being an arse. Yes your mail doesn’t sound great, but your marriage commitments are between you & your husband, being blunt your mil made no commitments to you, or you to her. She can be as odd as she wants but you also do not have to see her. Your husband on the other hand… the line about “his family is his family, yours is yours, he doesn’t reality see you as family” has complicated blown my mind.

What is the deal with your family? Can you be with them over Christmas? If I were you I’d Hope I had the guts to whisk the kids off to my family from 23rd/24th for a few days and not tell him that was the plan.

I am assuming you aren’t married - due to stating ‘OH’ - why are you putting up with this?!

He asks you to go out alone when his family visit?! This relationship is over - he doesn’t respect or like you and it sounds like you feel the same

This...why are you allowing him to walk all over you in your house. I would be putting a boot up his backside...

It's bizarre. If someone tells you that his family can come into your house whenever but your own family can't, why would you not say, 'no, it's my house.'

Then, 'please leave'...

God why did you marry this man?! How dare he get you to leave the house if his cousin and kids are coming round, and not want to include you!!! I would want to get far away from him and his crazy family

When you say:

'It's my house as well by the way that I own'

Do you mean that it is owned jointly by you and your partner or that it's actually just your house? As you refer to him as your OH rather than your DH, it would be great if the house was yours and you could kick him out. Obviously it wouldn't be that easy if you jointly own the house.

Fuck that

This...why are you allowing him to walk all over you in your house. I would be putting a boot up his backside...