OH wants to take kids to MIL's on Xmas Day after lunch & leave me home alone?

When he said that bulllshit about “every mother’s dream”, you had your chance to say “Good! Then you’ll call her back and tell her that you won’t take your kids away from their own mother on Xmas day (you tactless mummy’s boy *optional.)
What a dick. He sounds as socially lazy as his mum.

He does tell me still loves me but "you need to change".

Why won't he change for you? Why do you have to do all the running.

Yes change. By kicking him out.

On the plus side you can lock him out the house and refuse to let him in and he can do fuck all about it. He can go to his mum's.

Call the police if you need to.

Honestly you can't carry on like this - he will teach the kids this is normal. It's not ok.

He can be quite intimidating whenever we get into arguments, he does raise his voice to me a lot which I find quite abusive.

It is abusive. Shouting and verbal intimidation can be considered coercive control, which is classified as abuse.

He always gives me this silly ultimatums such as if I ask him to move out he will stop giving me money for the kids.

Without prying, would you be OK without it? By that I mean able to meet the basics but perhaps having to do without 'extras'. Sometimes if we look seriously at our finances we can find that there are things we can do without or find cheaper sources for. It may be a good thing to sit down and go over your figures to see what you can pare down on. Also, what benefits might you be due if he wasn't living there. I'm not in the UK, but I know there are benefit calculators that might help you figure that out. Fingers crossed, you may be surprised.

Also if you kick him out you could file for CMS then he wouldn't have the choice to pay or not, would he? Unless he's self employed and plays the usual shenanigans.

I just wish I could be free of him and never have to talk/ see him again but of course I know that's not possible.

No, sadly it's not. That's part having children with someone. BUT, imagine how nice it would be to be able to put the phone down on him, or shut the door in his face. Because although you'd have to co-parent with him, you wouldn't have to listen to his shit and you wouldn't have to allow him in your house.

I have just text him (he is at his mum's) he needs to move out asap as I am so unhappy and it's time to move on.

Great for you!!! Yee-HAW!!! Can you pack him a bag and drop it on her doorstep? If so, call in an emergency locksmith and then drop the bag off. Arrangements can be made for him to pick up the rest of his stuff. Preferably when you can have relatives at the house to hopefully keep him civil.

Same, if a man is 'perfect' I would run far away

Jesus Christ OP this sounds like absolute hell. I hope you're able to rid yourself of him. Kick him out and apply for CMS.

He opened doors for me, bought me flowers, took me out to nice restaurants, he was literally the perfect man

Maybe I’m old and cynical but this doesn’t sound like the perfect man to me. This sounds like someone who already had very clear ideas of gender roles in their heads and it only took a small thing to tip that into abusive.

How old are your DC? He doesn’t get to opt out of paying for them just because you are separated, but equally he may try and get significant amount of time with them each week to massively reduce how much he has to pay you. I think you either need to accept this shit life or try and make changes which will probably be quite painful. Upping your hours will be difficult to start with but I’d argue, better for you in the long run if you can achieve financial independence. Do you pay your mortgage on your own?

If he's at his mums, I'd just get a locksmith out, although it would be expensive at this time. When's the next time he'll be out? You can buy a lock and fit it yourself to save money. If you don't think you could, then arrange for a handman to fit one you buy for when he's next out. Honestly, men like him are just arrogant bullies, you'll struggle to get him out. You have the option of getting the police involved to get him out, but a locksmith/changing the locks is probably the swiftest way.

Yes! Great idea.
Or else he can pop over with the dc on Boxing Day.

No-I am all for including grandparents, but not if you're being excluded! I would be fine with any reasonable combination of hosting/visiting most family, but there is no way I would plan to take the kids without my husband, leaving him home alone, and the other way round is equally wrong.

So you’ve been together 13 years and have 2 kids under 5. How was he for the 8 years before you got pregnant, OP?

She’s not a victim in her own life. She has chosen to live with him. She chose to have children with him. He was likely crap from day one (I think other posts suggest they have 2 children under 5 but have been together for 13 years). I highly doubt she suddenly woke up one day and her equal partner had transitioned into a nob.

But they are your children it is your job (with your dh) to make sure thry have a nice Christmas not hers so I dont get the logic on that bit

100% time to call time on this relationship, wonderful to hear you’re not married and it’s your house. And if he says anything about Christmas presents (the nerve of him) you say coolly you seem to think I’m an awful person for not buying my horrible mil Christmas presents- you’re a man who’s never bought his own dc a present so you must really think you’re just complete scum then. I’m a good parent, I wish you could say the same about yourself.

I may have missed it while just skimming the thread, but I just wondered if he contributes financially to the household. If he does is it substantial and would losing this contribution make life extremely difficult for you and kids? Is that why you are holding on to this piece of selfish weird person? Not the right reason BTW.

If he is not contributing much, are you subsidising HIM? I think either way it's time to reassess the situation.

I wouldn't advise keeping him there for financial reasons, you will manage with benefits if necessary, but maybe you won't/don't need them. Are you tied together in any way, i.e. business etc.? Is there any reason you are not married, and is that a mutual decision? Obviously it's great that you're not in the circumstances.

As pp said, you hold all the cards. Play them well and put yourself and your children first every time. Good luck.

Yeah, you need to kick this man out of your house this side of Christmas, but really within the week. This isn't a partnership and him and his family sound weird. Him telling you to leave your own him when his family come over, yet wanting your family to make an appointment to visit you in YOUR own house just shows he thinks he's the boss because he's a man. Get that misogynist out of your house now.

Oh just show him the door immediately. There’s time still for a happy Christmas. You’ll still be doing 100% of the Christmassing as a single mother but it’s so much easier without the resentment your OH will cause you, issuing his dysfunctional demands while he sits festering on the sofa, contributing nothing.

I'm not understanding how you are not invited in this scenario. I mean they aren't either really. Just go with them and put your feet up.

You arent married and you own the house. I would tell him that the relationship is over and if you are feeling charitable drop his stuff off at his Mums house. Change the locks. He has zero right to be in your home if you do not want him therr. Dont put up with another second of feeling like you are a prisoner in your own home. Its time for him to go...

@snowhunny

When you say "It's my house that I own" are you saying that you had this house before you met him? That his name is NOT on this house? Then (pardon me) what the hell are you doing?

You need to sit quietly for a moment and picture, I mean really picture, your home without him in it. Where you only have to 'do for' and clean up after yourself and DC. A house that's quiet and calm with things just as you like. A house where your family comes and goes as it pleases you. And where nobody tells you to 'go upstairs' because 'their' family is visiting (my gast is truly flabbered at that!). Do these thoughts create a longing in you? Then you know what you need to do. And the sooner the better.

"I have already suggested many times that it's time to move on and for him to find his own place"

Don't 'suggest'. TELL him it's time to move out. You are not married, the house is (I'm assuming) in your sole name with him having no legal interests in it, he has no right to be there if you tell him to leave.

I'm asking this very gently, but are you afraid of him for some reason?

And you seem to be a strange woman putting up with this!