OH wants to take kids to MIL's on Xmas Day after lunch & leave me home alone?

I'd enjoy a couple of hours peace if it were me. Get the Christmas special of something on tv and munch more chocolate.

So I am still remaining firm on the separation, he has been unusually quite since he left on Monday.

During our last convo I told him this was it, the split was permanent as I have been extremely unhappy for literally years. It has really mentally exhausted me and drained me.

He also used to compare me to other women when I refused to cook for him due to his verbal abuse.
I have told him from now on he isn't to enter my home and neither are his family welcome and moving forward he will have to host his family elsewhere if they want to see DC and not at my expense.

Of course I have been advised "the money from now on will be what I should be paying and not me being generous".

I also advised him that he should only contact me in relation to the children and we need to establish firm boundaries moving forward.

Whilst we were talking one of his best friends called him whilst on holiday (they have a DC same age) and they are so happy. I would always be jealous of their relationship as it's what wanted with my now ex.

His friend's partner goes round to her MIL's and is welcomed and accepted as part of the family, something I wanted for so long.

Of course he never talks to his friends or family with mr around (in contrast his friend always involves his partner and is never excluded) and this just made me realise how dysfunctional and weird this man really is and how I deserve better.

I was never even excluded when his mates had double dates etc, I was kept separate from everyone.

This just enforced that I have made the right decision and will be moving forward and being happy with my kids.

I’d be asking my other half to produce a court order if he thought he had the right to slaw my children away from me on Christmas Day. Why would he think that is acceptable.

Thanks everyone, I feel a lot better today knowing that I am not going mad or being petty as he says.

So he came to take DC to the dentist today and as I was putting the Xmas tree up and again he had an issue with this for some strange reason?

He was and is raised as a Christian and even has a tattoo of a cross on his arm (alongside a gold cross necklace) but yet neither him or his mum agree with putting Xmas tree's up or exchanging gifts (told me this today) as "it's just a day the government tell us too and I'm not doing that".

I literally cannot wait until the kids turn 18, hopefully I won't ever have to see him again.

I hate that I have to rely on him for things such as him taking DC to the dentist as I don't have a car at the moment.
I am really going to sort myself out so I don't have to rely on him for anything.

I was talking to my friend today who knows what is going on and she said that basically all these years he has had open access to me whilst he has excluded me from all parts of his life and that's true.

Even before DC he would socialise on his own and I was always excluded from his friendship group.

I really do deserve so much better.

@snowhunny

So he came to take DC to the dentist today and as I was putting the Xmas tree up and again he had an issue with this for some strange reason?....
but yet neither him or his mum agree with putting Xmas tree's up or exchanging gifts (told me this today) ..."

As of right now you need to think of him as 'The Enemy'. You have declared your position (he leaves) and he now thinks of you that way. You need to regard his every utterance as calculated to mess with your head, provoke a response he can use as 'ammo', or to shake your confidence. Before you do/say anything, stop and think hard "What is he trying to accomplish?".

I literally cannot wait until the kids turn 18, hopefully I won't ever have to see him again.

I remember telling my BFF this when her divorce was final. She said "He will be in my life until one of us dies because we share a child". She's right, there will be graduations, marriages, grandchildren. BUT you will (as she does) be able to deal with any unavoidable meetings with grace and from a position of strength, knowing she can turn and walk away from him at any time. Or smile and say quietly "Shut the fuck up". She's done both! And if you're 'lucky' he'll meet someone else and she will become the focus of his manipulations.

I hate that I have to rely on him for things such as him taking DC to the dentist as I don't have a car at the moment. I am really going to sort myself out so I don't have to rely on him for anything.

And you will get things sorted!! It may take time because you'll want to consider your decisions carefully, but it will happen. I'd focus on the 'transport' issue first since that's something he could really mess you round with. I'm assuming you aren't able to run out and buy a car (who is?). Bus? Uber or taxi? Are there relatives or friends who might be able to help with lifts temporarily, or even occasionally? I know it's hard to ask, but if it decreases your reliance on him it's worth it.

Again, this is a marathon not a sprint. Take your time, consider carefully. Slow and steady wins the race. At the end of the 'race' is a peaceful, happy home. You will get there

Thanks everyone, I feel a lot better today knowing that I am not going mad or being petty as he says.

So he came to take DC to the dentist today and as I was putting the Xmas tree up and again he had an issue with this for some strange reason?

He was and is raised as a Christian and even has a tattoo of a cross on his arm (alongside a gold cross necklace) but yet neither him or his mum agree with putting Xmas tree's up or exchanging gifts (told me this today) as "it's just a day the government tell us too and I'm not doing that".

I literally cannot wait until the kids turn 18, hopefully I won't ever have to see him again.

I hate that I have to rely on him for things such as him taking DC to the dentist as I don't have a car at the moment.
I am really going to sort myself out so I don't have to rely on him for anything.

I was talking to my friend today who knows what is going on and she said that basically all these years he has had open access to me whilst he has excluded me from all parts of his life and that's true.

Even before DC he would socialise on his own and I was always excluded from his friendship group.

I really do deserve so much better.

When it was DC's birthday a few weeks ago one of his cousins wanted to visit with their kids.

OH told me "Can you go upstairs or go out to the cinema so we can have family time?"
This is in my own house.

He dosent really see me as family in his eyes.
His family is his family, and my family is my family.

Even with the partners of his aunts/uncles he says they are not my aunt/uncle, only the ones related to me by blood".
He is a very strange man.

I am still unclear as to why you are not included.... is it that he wants to take the children to see her but you don't want to go yourself?

To be honest it would be a struggle without his money

Struggles can be worth it. And it may start out a struggle because you'll be used to having XX to spend, but often we find that we actually only need YY. Life may become less 'luxurious' but that doesn't mean it isn't actually better or happier.

He often gloats in telling me how his work mates often pay good money to the mothers of their children but then the women get "greedy" take the fathers to court and actually end up with less.

Scare tactic. After all, why would a woman take a man to court if he was paying the agreed upon amount regularly and without using that amount as 'leverage' to get something they want. Besides, often what a man thinks of as 'good money' isn't actually very 'good' at all!

I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but if someone ends up with less it's usually because the man wasn't paying the agreed upon amount on a regular basis or the woman didn't do her research using the CMS calculator (or they didn't have a very good solicitor).

He says some men are paying £8 a week, I don't know if this is true but it does scare me as I can see him potentially doing this to me.

I think that amount is pretty much for someone who is on benefits or who is self employed and 'fiddles their books' to lie about their earnings. And yes, I can see him being a total shit. Which is why you need to sit down and 'do your finances'. Try to figure a budget that doesn't include anything from him. Cut everything you can to get down to just necessities. That doesn't mean you'll end up living on that, just that you'll know what the 'worst case scenario' is.

He says he will be gone by Monday, thanks goodness.

Is he there now or still at his mum's? If the latter, change the locks or the lock barrels.

He is adamant he will be coming here for his Xmas Day dinner, I will probably just end up going to my parents to be honest.

Going to your parents will probably be the easiest in case he decides to show up. Can you spend the night there?

But say NOTHING about Xmas dinner! He can think what he likes. The reality will be quite different, won't it? Remember that you do not have to give him entry into YOUR home. Again, change the locks the minute he's gone, call an emergency locksmith if you have to, it will be money well spent. Or if you or someone you know is 'DIY inclined' there are plenty of YouTube videos out there showing how to change lock barrels. Much cheaper. And FWIW it may be a good idea to install chains on your door(s). Or better yet, get a Ring doorbell.

Don't even bother to try to get the key back, let him think he'll be able to walk in and out as he chooses. He's arrogant and thinks 'what I want is the law', but we know different, don't we?

I know it sounds bad and awful (I have suffered years of constant disrespect and abuse from him) but I wouldn't even care if he passed away tomorrow.

It doesn't. It sounds like someone who's simply reached the end of their tether and just wants it to stop.

And I get what you say about what 'family' is. We've always welcomed anyone as family. And at Xmas, that 'family' includes anyone and everyone who shows up!

You'll get through this and you'll be fine once you're out the other side. For now, just grit your teeth. As Churchill said "When you're going through hell, just keep going!".

I honestly tried to type something and either it doesn't work, or it has crap autocorrect. 🙄

So this cheeky bastard thinks hes coming to get his dinner off you on xmas day? So he can sit at the head of the table, while you serve him? Fuck that shit. 😠 😡 😤
He can piss off to his mums, or to his Andrew-Tate-clone of a sexist cousin's house for his dinner. The wanker. 👎

OP are your kids in nursery full time funded or even reception at school? (I'm sure I read that they were both under 5) 🤔
If not then do you have any family close by (parents, siblings, cousins, best friend) or fellow mums that you could rely on for support and childcare? 🫂

Don't let this man show your children that it's okay to treat their mother like shit. Get your ducks in a row and get organised. 🦆🦆🦆

It sounds like the bastard has ground you down. Get mad and get organised. You do not deserve to be treated like this. 💐

@snowhunny

He’ll still be hanging around like a bad smell on Monday. The Christmas dinner comment shows he stills thinks he is the one who calls all the shots. Be mentally prepared to take some more practical measures as Monday rolls around.

Why would you do that?? Sign all the presents from you just because he wants to bring the kids to see his mother? Very strange response.
You are not being unreasonable to want to spend xmas day with your kids but thats just petty x

Basically I do all the Xmas shopping for the kids, decorating and I make Xmas dinner for everyone.

OH has just dropped it on me that he wants to take the kids to MIL's after dinner.

I am not invited.
I just don't think this is very fair or nice.

MIL is a strange woman, she has never visited us.

Every time a DC has been born we have had to take the baby to her house to meet DC.

She has never bought the kids anything for Xmas or birthdays.

Previously I would buy her Xmas and birthday presents from the kids but I won't be doing that again as I find the effort very one sided.

It's not that we don't get on, she is just a lazy woman.

AIBU to feel annoyed that why should her get the privilege of spending time with my kids when I am the one who puts all the effort in to ensure they have a good Xmas Day?

I would prefer he takes them on Boxing Day.