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Original poster

Daughter struggling at uni. What to do?

108 replies

LifeChoicesAreTough · 26/11/2025 18:41

Name changed ... My daughter is in her first year at uni, in our home town, but living in halls. She's miserable, with the course, with feeling lonely and spends a lot of her time back at home with me.

She's just been diagnosed with dyslexia and other learning needs, but it's too late for her to have adjustments made for this round of exams. Which she's going to find really hard. (School never accepted that she might be dyslexic but she did have extra time in exams because of non-learning-related issues, which no longer apply, so not possible at uni.)

I know she's stressed and unhappy and regretting, I think, her choice of uni. She's super young (17 still), and while she's been really high achieving academically so far, I think the lack of support for her learning needs and the style of teaching on her course are, together, leaving her feeling anxious and unmotivated.

She's assured me she's going to class, doing her work. She's made an appointment with her personal tutor, we're in touch with learning support.

Do I tell her she just has to stick out, or does she reapply through UCAS and try again somewhere else. I don't know. I'm divorced from her dad; he doesn't know any of this as yet (not through secrecy, I'm just not sure how helpful he'll be).

I really want to support her, but I haven't got endless resources and am worried that if she starts somewhere else it won't be any better for her, plus she'll be miles away. And also don't want to endlessly "mollycoddle" her so she doesn't ever get to grips with the real world (whatever that might be). I'm trying to make a plan with her, to be realistic about what's possible but also feel like I might just lie down and cry. I feel like I've failed her. It's been a complicated journey to get to this point, and she was so excited about uni and living not at home. Everything feels like it's crashing down and I don't know quite how to best make sure she doesn't get hurt and has access to the resources she needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
LifeChoicesAreTough · 26/11/2025 18:59

@belle40 and @InSlovakiaTheCapitalOfCourseIsBratislava yes, we are thinking about temporary withdrawal just to give her a breather and be 18. I think it's a good option, if we can sort the dreaded uni accommodation contract out without loosing £100000000s (I exaggerate, but only slightly).

OP posts:
Leopardsandcheetahsarefast · 26/11/2025 18:58

LifeChoicesAreTough · 26/11/2025 18:41

Name changed ... My daughter is in her first year at uni, in our home town, but living in halls. She's miserable, with the course, with feeling lonely and spends a lot of her time back at home with me.

She's just been diagnosed with dyslexia and other learning needs, but it's too late for her to have adjustments made for this round of exams. Which she's going to find really hard. (School never accepted that she might be dyslexic but she did have extra time in exams because of non-learning-related issues, which no longer apply, so not possible at uni.)

I know she's stressed and unhappy and regretting, I think, her choice of uni. She's super young (17 still), and while she's been really high achieving academically so far, I think the lack of support for her learning needs and the style of teaching on her course are, together, leaving her feeling anxious and unmotivated.

She's assured me she's going to class, doing her work. She's made an appointment with her personal tutor, we're in touch with learning support.

Do I tell her she just has to stick out, or does she reapply through UCAS and try again somewhere else. I don't know. I'm divorced from her dad; he doesn't know any of this as yet (not through secrecy, I'm just not sure how helpful he'll be).

I really want to support her, but I haven't got endless resources and am worried that if she starts somewhere else it won't be any better for her, plus she'll be miles away. And also don't want to endlessly "mollycoddle" her so she doesn't ever get to grips with the real world (whatever that might be). I'm trying to make a plan with her, to be realistic about what's possible but also feel like I might just lie down and cry. I feel like I've failed her. It's been a complicated journey to get to this point, and she was so excited about uni and living not at home. Everything feels like it's crashing down and I don't know quite how to best make sure she doesn't get hurt and has access to the resources she needs.

Not too late for reasonable adjustments and consideration - diagnosis letter and personal tutor advocate for her.

Term 1 is hard, away from home and freshers flu etc - if she doesn’t like the course can she change?
antidepressants from GP or counselling an option?
what society / clubs is she in?

Original poster
LifeChoicesAreTough · 26/11/2025 18:57

@Summercocktailsgalore yes, it does feel very young, and she seems very young even for 17. Even if she, say, doesn't want to drink, she can't hang out with people in the pub as they ID her. I know the pub isn't everything, but it makes her real self conscious that she can't easily agree to join even the club she belongs to "for a drink".

OP posts:
InSlovakiaTheCapitalOfCourseIsBratislava · 26/11/2025 18:56

Leave of absence and try again next year when she’s a wee bit older

Original poster
LifeChoicesAreTough · 26/11/2025 18:55

Beedeeoh · 26/11/2025 18:48

Your post is very focused on the academic side, but it's the social aspects that stand out to me. It's the first year so the academics aren't absolutely critical; there's plenty of time to get adjustments and for her to get to grips with the expectations.

But if she's at her home town uni, how come she is so lonely? What was her network like before she started? What has she done to try to make friends? It's not healthy (or conducive to making friends) for her to be back with you most of the time and it might perhaps have been better for her to be further away to force her to socialise a bit more rather than just coming home. This is the side of things I'd be focusing on - has she joined any clubs? What are her interests?

She struggles with friendships, and always has. Partly because of covid, I think, partly because of, frankly, how her brain is wired. She's friendly, and funny and interesting on lots of things, but friendships don't come naturally to her. She says it feels like everyone already knows each other. She has a hobby, and has joined the relevant club, and goes to the events. It's hard to explain. It's not something I can quite help her with and who knows how she might be "forced". I understand absolutely what you're saying, but it's really hard. I think she'd feel much better with a stronger social network, of course, but she doesn't have one. And if that means I keep her company then, well, that does seem better than her sitting on her own. I agree with you, but she's not a kid who quite "gets" friendships. It's upsetting.

OP posts:
belle40 · 26/11/2025 18:53

Has your daughter considered temporary withdrawal? This may be an option and she can then decide if she would like to return for AY 2627 as a year one student at the same institution or look at other options. Being at Uni is very different to the expectations of Uni. Year one is often less interesting as lots of grounding material so it can make some students feel less certain about their course.

Beedeeoh · 26/11/2025 18:48

Your post is very focused on the academic side, but it's the social aspects that stand out to me. It's the first year so the academics aren't absolutely critical; there's plenty of time to get adjustments and for her to get to grips with the expectations.

But if she's at her home town uni, how come she is so lonely? What was her network like before she started? What has she done to try to make friends? It's not healthy (or conducive to making friends) for her to be back with you most of the time and it might perhaps have been better for her to be further away to force her to socialise a bit more rather than just coming home. This is the side of things I'd be focusing on - has she joined any clubs? What are her interests?

Summercocktailsgalore · 26/11/2025 18:46

sorry to hear this.

17 is very young to live away from home, especially if not spent time away from family etc before then. And Uni is a very different structure from school which is safer as people know you child, have built longer term relationships through years of being in same school and more of a pastoral element.