Daughter struggling at uni. What to do?

Tell her to try again when she’s older. 17 is way too young imo.

Sounds like she isn’t ready for uni yet.

She can get help if diagnosed with those difficulties so she needs to approach her uni with the diagnosis letters to get that support on her course and with her finals. Can she be put in a different halls of residence that she feels more settled as they all vary and some are noisier etc? Also, maybe she needs to seek a Gp on sites support with mental health.

OP, this has been so difficult for you both and I can do understand your upset.

When we know better, we do better applies here, it certainly applied to me when my children were assessed and found to be dsylexic.
You now have her assessment and can research and invest in understanding what it means for her.

She is so young and opportunities for her further education are not going anywhere.
It's only us rigid older parents that think the first 3rd level decision has to be it.

I know from my children's friends how many of them are branching off onto different paths.
These months really are a great opportunity to spend looking at courses and getting a feel for what she would like to do.

My kids all had part time jobs and the confidence and self knowledge, and stress, can be great for you.

My youngest was waitressing at 17 last summer in a very busy spot, and the pride and confidence in getting to grips with it has been a massive blessing to her.
It was hard and stressful, but they asked for her back st Christmas and she has a job for next summer assured.
I cannot think of anything that builds quiet confidence better at her age than a job and some money earned.

I really hope things get easier for you.
You sound like a wonderful mother.
Shut down any bullshit from your parents, now THAT I couldn't be listening to at all.

That’s great news. Both my girls are autistic and I’ve had some less than pleasant comments by so called family so I totally understand. It’s great that you both feel like you can move forward now.

I’m so sorry her Uni experience hasn’t been what either of you were anticipating. I imagine she needs a moment to regulate herself and honestly just have a breather before she gets back to forming any kind of plan of action with you. I work in University student support services (at one in North England) so I see this plenty.

Hoping you’re both okay and if I can try and help with anything let me know!

I'm sorry this year hasn't gone to plan. I'd prepared myself mentally if it happened with DD. We have two older DCs, neither went to university, it wouldn't have suited either. Both have great careers they enjoy after going the apprenticeship route.
I always think 17/18 is so young to go off, making life changing decisions. Your DD has fifty working years ahead of her. Right now, my biggest concern would be getting all the support she wants (being careful not to overwhelm her with it) and needs. I'd take it slowly, taking my cue from DD, restoring and building her confidence, giving her the time and freedom she needs to perhaps try again or change track. A couple of years in the grand scheme of things is nothing.
I had my own setbacks at university. My teenage DB died, then in my final yeat DF. It was devastating. I intercollated.
I think my experience changed me, and although I was ambitous for my DC, I was and am very conscious that they know they have my full support if they changed their minds about career paths, their course, etc.
Please don't think I'm preaching, you sound a lovely supportive parent. I hope and think you'll look back one day and know this was not only the right decision, but was actually for the best. That doesn't change how you feel right now but this with pass.

I'm assuming she's in Scotland

Did she go a year early if she is 17?

Reassure her that it's just a year. It feels a lot now but it's really not.

I know lots of people who had a bad experience and it wasn't right for whatever reason. All of them have gone onto achieve more than those who followed a straight course.

It's brave to recognise it's not the right path but it doesn't mean there are no right paths for her.

Give her some love and support and then support her to get a job and apply for other courses - she might decide she prefers work but best to have choices.

Is there any chance that she can contact her course tutor again, before making this decision? Is it possible that she has done OK?

I am so sorry that there is not enough support for bright but struggling students - both socially and with assessment. I think there are so many more children that are struggling at university than there were when I went (my two kids are!) and there seems to be much less face to face contact and support.

Your daughter is young enough to be able to start again when she is ready. My son went back at 21. She should fill her life with things she loves and build her future around that. Learning to drive, having a job, training / hobby.. these are all good things to be doing age 18!

Im sorry to hear you and your DD are both struggling. It’s so bloody hard and supposed to be easier when they become adults. Much more difficult to navigate now at this age.

You haven’t failed her, that’s what is screaming out at me from your post.
She has tried it, it isn’t working for her right now, but she will work what will work for her in the future.

my advice would be for her to get her diagnosis and work out what she needs for support when she goes back to uni.
is she changing courses? Perhaps a part time job or volunteering linked to the new course in some way would help her.
does she touch type? If not this is a valuable life skill to learn.

be kind to yourself - you are a fabulous mum. She’s talking to you about everything and making some big decisions.
it’s not the wrong decision - it’s the right one for right now

Just let her be sad and do nothing for a bit, and have a chance to pause and reflect. Is she not still working in her job? Why not just pick up a few more hours there but not full time. It's enough.

If she returns to uni in September then suggest that she lives at home but joins societies. 17 is young to be at uni, even if it’s the normal age in your country. Maybe suggest a different course?

She already has an ND diagnosis, she's dyslexic. A lot of people have more than one ND diagnosis OP and when you say 'she's not a kid who quite "gets" friendships' I'd say that is as typical of ASD as it gets. DS is diagnosed with ASD and dyspraxia. Both of those are ND conditions.

How come she went to uni at 17 OP, is that because you're in Scotland? I think it's a bad idea tbh, especially for an ND child who in emotional maturity may be up to three years behind their peers. I think she has absolutely done the right thing for her and you should be proud of that. She needs time to decompress and recover from the overwhelm. Don't be upset that she needs space to 'relax' right now. It's typical ND behaviour.

People on here are obsessed with resilience - what they often mean is carrying on and on in misery until it comes to an end. Your daughter has chosen not to do that to herself and that is just sensible for her MH. There's absolutely no reason to think she won't go again in September - she's already done her UCAS!

I would really encourage her to consider an assessment for ASD. She can now also hopefully get more support put in place for her for September for dyslexia - if she does decide to get assessed the uni will probably treat her as if she is diagnosed because waiting lists are long and they will err on the side of caution. Many unis have a lot of support for autistic students, DS went on a taster week and all sorts so it's worth researching. She will be so much more prepared next time for what to expect and she will have grown up a little more.

Let her work part time - the sort of jobs available to this age are likely to be quite socially overwhelming for an ND child, and encourage her to do some other things with her time too. Is there any relevant volunteering she could do for example? Encourage her back to her hobby again once she's had a decent break.

I'd really encourage you to be really positive about the choices she has made. This is absolutely the right decision for her IMO.

I think all you can do now is to encourage her to ensure she keeps her options open.

It might just be the wrong course. Does she want to apply for something different? Even if she's not sure, she should apply so the option is there.

I don't see why she can't work full time. Part time jobs will be much more limited - especially if she's not sure about going back and wants a proper job rather than a time filler.

I'd give her a week or so to regroup but be clear what the expectations are after that. It does sound like she's struggled and a bit of time is reasonable but it can't be open ended.

Lots of people don't get it right first time but excellent in a different environment.

She may well be one of them but faffing about with a couple of hours work a week isn't going to be the answer to long term success either educationally or in the work force.

All you can do is support her reapplication and work plans. Has she notified student finance and given notice on accommodation? Would she consider getting a post16 assessment and applying for dsa so that any support and access arrangements can be put in place before she restarts.

What? Nearly all university students I know have jobs, and have worked part time since they were 16. You must only know people who are very well off. I know with some courses it's impossible or difficult to have a job but for many others it isn't.