To think my kids are better off me staying as a single mum and not wanting them to have a stepdad

Focus on your children. You can date when they grow up.

You sound great. You just have to read all the threads on here by women trying to blend families in the most unsuitable circumstances or moving a man in way way too soon, or dealing with problem step kids on top of their own kids - all to the detriment of their own children - just because they need a man. Makes me mad and there are so many of them.

You keep going as you are and your kids will thank you.

Also sorry for all my typos that I didn’t edit in time!

Sorry that you went through that, it sounds really tough 😢 I can well believe it was horrible to think of your Mum being on holiday with other kids without you.

I’m quite lucky again because my ex is quite lazy and he’s usually happy enough if I want them a bit more.

Im by no means saying it perfect for kids in the set up we have - living in two houses is hard work for them even as we are, but I think it’s right not to make it even worse.

You sound like an amazing Mum who puts your kids at the centre of your life, and I’m sure they are very happy with the stable and calm life you’ve made for them. Why on earth people think you should bring an unrelated man into your home and their lives have no idea.

I had the opposite in my childhood - I had parents who didn’t get on, often argued and had very different interests and priorities but still persisted in living together (they are still together now, and still bicker pretty much constantly in their 70s). Maybe they like it like that! But I didn’t enjoy that as a child, and that was something I didn’t want for my children. I wanted them to have calm and stability, and at least they get that here, for 10/14 days.

YANBU
I am literally just ‘unblending’ from my second marriage. My sons are now just adults and if I’m being completely honest with myself I really regret the past 8 years where I’ve tried to blend and balance my relationship with my sons, my husband and his children. If I could go back I’d stay living with just my kids…I’m not saying I wouldn’t have a relationship, I’d just keep it secondary to my life with my sons.
Fortunately I have a great relationship with my boys and it hasn’t been detrimental to our relationship. I just wish I’d not torn myself in two trying to make it work.

Just to add: There's nothing like the feeling that you're the top priority for your parent. My mum made that very clear, and we love her for that.

I have some friends who didn't have the luck to have at least one loving parent and it's very damaging.

Not unreasonnable at all OP.
My mum made the same decision and I'll forever be grateful for that. She waited for us to leave home and to be self-sufficient to get into a serious relationship, now married for 25 years!

She had relationships, but always kept a lid on them, we never ever met anyone.
My dad did remarry and had more kids, and I think we were all somewhat resentful of that.

I’ve been single since my ex went off with a work colleague when our youngest was only 2yo. I never wanted the potential problems of blended families and step parents so I’ve stayed single. I don’t regret it but I am a little envious of those in loving relationships, a good partner would be lovely. My children are old enough for me to start looking again now.

Absolutely agree with you and I am the same. I have a wonderful DC who is 7 and parenting is so fulfilling, I want to be the best mum I can be given our circumstances after separation and DC being a child of two homes and a broken marriage.

I don't need a random man to take any of my time and effort and distract me from building my happy life for me and DC. Why on earth would I bring a stranger into my child's life?

I was a single mum for 13 years and I never left the need for a man . I had my house my car my kids by career etc and then I meet a wonderful man and 5 years after we got married . My biggest advice is , invest in yourself , learning to be alone is something many never learn how to do and it’s very important . I do not think I needed a man to be complete , I just think I was lucky and I use to find one that is a wonderful and an amazing step parent to my children . Be independent but allow yourself to love too if it happens .

Totally with you OP.

I have two children from my past marriage - they are 17 and 11 now but we’ve been separated and then divorced for nine years. So I’m “lucky” in so far as I’ve always had something of a break (although it’s been patchy, especially during Covid) when they go to him, and I get maintenance, but unlucky in that I still have to see him and deal with the various issues he causes.

Their Dad has a new partner and r two younger children. So when the children go there, they have to be in a house where we all used to live, but where now their step mum and youngest siblings live full time, but they are only there part time. I think it would be so shitty if when they were here too there was another man and potentially other children who got to be here full time. So they were the only ones who didn’t have a permanent place.

OK, I am here all the time, but the don’t feel like there’s a family life that goes on here with it them. There’s just me usually sleeping, working, going for a run or occasionally seeing friends, none of which they feel left out of!

I’m the same. Been single 12 years now. Not even a sniff of anyone else. Really not interested. My teenagers have even commented that they don’t want me to get another man. But my mum keeps suggesting I need one, for when they grow up and leave.

Hated being in a blended family

With contraception!!!!!!!

I agree. My children are just fine without a stepdad and they definitely don’t need step-siblings coming along invading their lives.

Same. DH had both an amazing step father and a wonderful step mother. He calls each of them weekly and they’re lovely people who really shaped him.

My eldest stepson thanked me this morning on the way to school for being so helpful with something and said he loves me being his mom.

It’s not always cut and dried.

I'm with you. I have older teenagers, but haven't had a partner since I split with their Dad when they were young. I was abused as a child and was especially wary of bringing a man into our home for that reason (not that I think all men are like that). I has felt good to just focus on the children and then think about dating (maybe) when they're grown.

Hear hear. The very thought of being in another relationship gives me a nervous stomach. I’ve lost my own identity each time I’ve committed to a long term relationship. 7 years single and I’ve never been more content and happy in myself. My ex is an excellent co parent. Aside from sex there’s not a smidgen of want or need.

It’d take one hell of a man for me to remotely consider a new relationship. I have no time, desire or space in my heart other than for DS. My mother moved her arsehole bf in when I was primary school age. I’d rather be dead than do that to my son. Do your friends have your best interests at heart or is it because “woman needs man for fulfilment, status and completion’ otherwise they’re some sort of failure? You know in your heart what you want, listen to that.

Sorry, I haven’t seen your previous posts and was just making a general point. My post is also not judgemental at all, but there clearly are positive for some families

I think I’ve made it clear it’s not for me or my children. I have seen zero positive experiences of bringing in a “second parent” and I’m pushing on a bit. Absolutely not.

Ah op I thought this was going to be a question about eg marriage. Course they’re better off! I’d never feel sorry for a single mum x

Agree.