To think my kids are better off me staying as a single mum and not wanting them to have a stepdad

You can’t have a friends with benefits situation when you’re a mother 😮

Totally agree, my Mum is on her 4th marriage so I have had 3 'step dads' and various step siblings over the years. I have always said if me and DH were to separate I would never date especially when they lived at home.

I don't judge others but for thats been important for me.

My husband has a warm friendship at the very least with both of his stepparents. His stepmother unblushingly introduces me as her DIL. When she was widowed after many years and remarried we were all at the wedding. We often have family get-togethers with her and my husband's half-sisters. My husband was in business with his stepfather for many years and admires him a great deal. His parents were each much happier with their new spouses.

I think the "blended families dont work" is very old school.
I have an amazing step dad, and even though I was young when my parents divorced I was so happy she finally found someone who treated her right. My step dad treats me like his own.
My stepmum and stepdad split 15 years ago, im in no contact with my dad, but ny step mum is still here, still making special occasions special for me, she is very much family and even 15 years after separating still treats me like her own.
Me, my husband and step daughter have a lovely fun household, constantly laughing and playing, lots of affection and love, something she did not have when her parents were together. They are both my world.

Agreed. Done that on last 2 relationship spanning 21 years

Another vote for no to blending my family. I would consider living with a man maybe but not until the children grow up. I have a dp I keep him completely separate from my kids. Not living together is the answer to happiness I believe!

I grew up in a single parent family. For me, the absence of a loving, present father has been a thread through my life. I look at people whose fathers are present and help them and wonder what it must feel like, especially when there is what seems like unlimited financial support. It literally blows my mind.

That said, where the biological fathers are inadequate (and I include my own in that), I agree you’re probably better off without a step father. It seems too risky to me, and potentially very complicated if blended families are involved.

My mum did her absolute best, and I’ll always be grateful, but I was so aware of what was missing and I don’t think I’ll be alone in that. Of course, everyone has their own experiences. It is what it is.

My DD was 11 when her dad left…. 5 years on I’ve never so much as even downloaded any dating apps, not been in a single date and am honestly not interested…
Its too risky in my opinion and I think more parents should do so too!

🤮

@adropofgoldensun Totally agree - incredibly judgemental. My eldest went off to uni in September having achieved triple A star and A at A-Level (and as an August-born) which immediately challenges @qqwwkkssvvg opinion of shared care being disruptive.
In fact (God forbid) were ny now husband and I to ever separate, we would both advocate for 50/50 shared care in exactly the same way.
My children now both see a very happily married couple and a settled home full of respect and love.

I think most newly single women experience the same concern from others about not having a man in your life. Often from others wanting to validate their own choices. It does stop once you're obviously enjoying being alone and your dc haven't turned feral.

Shared care is less disruptive than two bio parents who can’t stand each other. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but you sound incredibly judgemental and lacking in awareness. Everyone’s family is different. Some blended families are shit, others work much better than the bio family ever could have done, some people are better alone.

The child of a deceased parent may not even remember them So hardly " grieving" . A child whose parents split up when they were very young and no further contact may not remember the other parent.

And where is the " shacking up with a new fella? " bit?

How about someone who has the baby without shacking up with the new fella as you put it

@qqwwkkssvvg They were both much older when she was born and ex and I had been separated for a long time before she was here. Her brothers love her; the first thing they do when they come home is to find her for a cuddle. They have learned to consider other's needs so much more. Best thing we did.

So now the child is dealing with the grief of their dad and their mum is shacking up with a new fella and having a baby. NO I don’t think that’s ok!! I know MN loves to bleat on about the joy of babies but no I think they’re hugely disruptive to pre teens and teens. Parents are pulled into the demanding needs of younger children and inevitably neglect teenagers because it’s a matter of physical needs before emotional ones and the former have to be more reactive. But they deny this.

Not at all what? Shared care is really disruptive to children and then you added a baby/toddler/young child to the mix? Not exactly ideal is it? Would you have wanted that as a child really?

even if there's no contact with the bio father or he is dead?

And what's the difference between 3 children with age gaps and 2. My DD has 2 children that are 8 years apart( both with her husband) Would it be so awful if they were to have another one?

@qqwwkkssvvg Well my sons have always been 50/50 shared cared anyway, so not at all. It would have been the same had I had a third with their dad. There is a big age gap and we in fact celebrate this - our little girl has two brothers (one now at uni) who adore her. They are all close and to see their bond is a wonderful thing. She has been nothing but a joy to all of us.
My husband is also an exceptional dad to.his first and last bio child ❤️

You sound like a great mum OP. You’re absolutely right that blended families, as a rule, are not good for children. I only know one that is truly a success, and it’s down to both parents being wonderful people and putting in so much hard work from the beginning to make it work for everyone.

Yes it can definitely be said about any future child so don’t worry I do have strong feelings on 3+ children more generally as well (especially with age gaps, I say 3+ because I do think 1 sibling is advantageous in most situations) 😂 but it is an added layer of complexity with children with different parents, different parenting styles, additional family, being treated equally (this is hard enough to manage with the same parents!) dealing with the emotional fall out of divorce etc etc. When there’s been a relationship break down it’s all the more reason to focus on your pre existing children because there is so much info out there about impactful break ups are.

How is it having another child to the " detriment" of yours?

You could say that about any sibling really no matter if they are with your first and only husband or someone else

After all if you have a second child then it takes money attention etc away from the first

So you are basically saying if you have any more children then you are writing off the first one?

The right man could help you, make your life easier as it’s someone to share load with …

but the right man might never come around and time spent dating is time out of your family life , a type of workload for you

really it’s no one else’s business

Agree with you completely, you are providing a loving, stable environment. Maybe you might want to see someone in the future but still no need to introduce or move in a boyfriend.

@Kilot

what you on about?

I think you dramatically altered your sons’ childhoods yes. I think you’ve reduced your time with them, and money, and added an extra layer of complication when they’re having to deal with either a) living between 2 houses or 2) emotionally deal with a less present father. I think you put yours and new husband’s desires over what is in the best interest of your children. If you want my honest answer.