To think women should think more carefully about giving children father's last name?

It isnt about discrimination, it is about fact. When you are unmarried, you cannot just name the father like you can when married. So when a man refuses to show up to register the baby, youd have no choice other than to give it your surname. So that is why when a child is in the mother's name, it appears as if there was conflict and they couldn't or wouldnt register their baby together. Red flag for drama.

I think women should keep their birth name in practically all circumstances and children should have their mother’s last name. If a man wants to have the same name as his child it’s not hard for him to change his.

It isnt an incorrect assumption. The reason why illegitimate children weren't given their rich Daddy's surname is because he didnt admit to paternity. The mum was often left in squalor as a result.

It is also true that many women advise keeping the kids in your name if there is a disagreement about marriage, as in, he won't marry you. So all in all, when I see a unmarried couple with kids in the woman's name, I assume that there has been discord over marriage. If the woman appears single, I assume there were issues over the paternity or it was a totally unplanned situation and the dad wouldn't up the relationship as a result of the pregnancy. Maybe he wasnt even on the scene when the baby was registered or she wouldnt allow him to attend because he wouldn't commit to her.

Either way, it sounds like drama.

But doesn't that make your DH's name your FIL's, not DH's? Or can men inherit actual ownership of names but not women?

Well my maiden name is my Dad's last name, so my Dad vs my husband? Husband wins.

There is a myth that in the past, unmarried women gave their children their surnames in some display of autonomy and I guess, feminism.

The truth is that the fathers of these illegitimate children wouldn't want to be officially registered as their parent. It isn't that the women didnt want to have their child in their father's name, it's that they couldn't have them in their father's name. Often if they were in their father's name, they wouldn't experience the poverty that these illegitimate children did experience because it was usually a married man with high status and a single woman of low(er) status.

Anecdotally, the only children I know now who don't have their father's name are those where the father wasn't in their life as a baby, at least. They never came to the registry etc. So it mirrors this pattern of a child who doesn't know their father and/or their father won't admit paternity.

So rightly or wrongly, when i see a child in their mother's name, even if they are still together, I assume there has been some sort of conflict or just no dad on the scene. If I know dad is on the scene, I assume mum.wants to be married but dad won't so she put the kid in her name only to show that it is "hers" since he won't play ball.

I have a different surname from both my children who have their fathers surnames. I literally don't think about it and don't need to have the same name as them to validate being there mum especially as I have (or had now as my daughter is 18) sole custody of them both which I got through the courts in 2018. Both have had rocky relationships with their Dads but I do think the connection to there wider family having the same name is positive for them both whilst they don't need that with my family because they have always been so close to us all.
I can absolutely see why the woman whose daughter has the same name as her father/rapist and would want a fresh start, I think that's a different story from mine.

So when your double surnamed daughter marries a double surnamed partner how do they choose what names to keep or do they quadruple? What about the generations that follow? If you're that attached to your surname how will you feel if your children choose to do it? Double barrelling only really works for one generation. I'd much rather share a family name and be a single unit. As it's dh's if dd drops it I don't care. I chose her first name and that's the one that'll stick.

Yes. Two of my three sisters

I married my Husband (I have a double barrelled name from birth). I kept my name and he kept his

One sister got married and dropped half of our name (say it's "Smith -Jones") and took his, but he added half of our name to his, so they are known as Mr and Mrs Brown -Jones.

Another sister did the same by deed poll as she isn't married to her long term partner and they have two young children. However he also changed his name by deed poll.... So they are the "White-Jones" family.

My third sister got married, didn't change her surname and had a daughter who took our surname as her Husband's surname was really, really bad.... They divorced 8 years ago, so her and her daughter are still "Smith -Jones"

Looks like we have managed to navigate the double barrell "nightmare" and pick men who don't throw hissy fits if we don't take their name...... My Husband didn't want to change his due to effort but equally had no issues with me keeping mine - and that works for us.

My DH has his birth dad’s name rather than his (step) dad’s name. DH dad died at 26 years old when DH was just 7 months old. Both sets of grandparents along with DMIL two siblings and their spouses stepped in and helped my DMIL raise DH so that she could work part time. 38 years ago when DH was 5 DMIL met her second DH. Even after they married second DH said he will always be my son but I won’t adopt him as that would feel like we were trying to take him away from his grandparents (whom DH still had a good relationship with until 2010 DGF and 2020 DGM) and erase their son.

I did take DH last name but there is nothing wrong with my family name. It isn’t long and complicated, difficult to spell or pronounce. My family name is in the top 30 most common last names and his while still well known and easy to spell and pronounce isn’t in the top 100. I would give any DC his last name alone too.

Did you name your daughter after second husband's name or yours?

Enough with the victim blaming!. I was married for 20 years before the physical abuse started. It often doesn't until pregnancy.

Fortunately kept my name and gave the kids double barrelled but he still took me to court to ensure they couldn't drop his part.

How about we normalise removing rights from abusers rather than make woman accountable for their behaviour.

One of my biggest regrets in life is giving my children their dad’s surname. They were born with my name and should have kept my name. Nothing I can do about it now but if I could go back in time they would all have my surname and I would never budge on it.

My husband changed his, we both changed to double-barrel and have a family name we can all share. Our DC has the same double-barrelled surname.

I’m with you OP, always amazes me that so many women still take their husband‘s surname upon marriage without question. And none of the reasons given so far are honest. Not sure why they don’t just admit they wanted to continue the patriarchy because it makes them feel somehow feminine and to let the world know they’ve been claimed “I’m so loved, he wanted to marry me” rather than two people of equal status getting married as a partnership.

I gave my DC their dad's surname. I never intended to marry him or change my name and there was no way I would inflict double barrelled names on them. I knew from the start that no matter what happened between us (we separated when youngest was 1) that his family were good people and that being connected to them by their last name would be a good thing. As it turns out they now have half siblings on their dad's side and having the same names helps with that connection. I'm happy to have a different name to my DC.

Really I am 49 and a professional, everyone I know took the man's name or double barrlelled.

Oh I agree, I mean look at how it failed in Spain…

-*last in the line.

Unmarried women should look f always be encouraged to give their child their own name.

As most women change surnames on marriage and also retain that surname after divorce, I think you’ll find your approach is unusual. Though I wish I’d thought if suggesting my husband take my maiden name, as my sisters and I are the lady of the line and the only other people we know of with our surname changed it by deed poll and have no ancestral links to our surname or the part of the country it comes from.