DH spent £300 on one gift, now I need to equalise it

And then saying ’the thing that stands out to me is the order of events’.

Here is the order of events.

1. the thread was posted on November about an event in December.
2. It’s July.

Why are people digging up old threads ATM?

£300 on a shirt for the boyfriend, sprung on you after the fact, with no discussion beforehand about budgets for anyone else - honestly, you'd be well within your rights to hit the fucking roof over this one.

The bit that stands out is the order of events. He didn't come to you and say "I want to spend big on DD's boyfriend, what should we do about everyone else's presents" - he just went and did it, then showed you afterwards like it was a done deal, proud as punch. That's not really about the shirt, it's about being cut out of a decision that now affects the whole family's Christmas budget, and that's exactly the kind of thing that needs nipping in the bud straight away, not smoothed over.

A few things worth being firm about:
You're not being unreasonable to be furious. You hadn't even settled your own budget for the kids and their partners, and now you're being forced to react to a number he chose alone, without so much as a heads up. That's not on.

"No accusations of favouritism" is the real issue, not the £300 itself. If it were just an odd, generous, one-off gift, it might be easier to let go - the problem is it sets a benchmark everyone else will notice, particularly your own children, who'll clock that a boyfriend of a few months got more thought and cash than they did from their own parents.

Him refusing to return it tells you where his priorities sit. He's had the chance to fix this cleanly and has chosen the gift over sorting the mess it's created. That means the whole cost, financial and emotional, of "equalising" everything gets dumped on you, and that's not fair.

Don't let him decide the terms of this by default. He doesn't get to unilaterally set a £300 benchmark and then leave you to scramble round it. This needs a proper conversation, now, about spending being agreed together before the money's spent, not after.

This is exactly the sort of thing worth being direct about immediately, not next year, not "let's see how it goes" - tell him plainly it's not okay to make big spending decisions like this without you, full stop.

Why do you need to equalise it? 🤷‍♀️

..sorry DH, not DS

It looks as though DS has bought the boyfriend something he himself has always wanted! 🤣

I've just read your thread and am very modern to know what happened in the end.

Your daughters response was wonderful!

So I'm wondering what you ended up doing. Personally I never try to buy equal gifts for my kids, their partners, or grandkids. I buy them what I think they will like and I don't worry about prices. This year I gifted my cousins wife a Swarovski crystal angel because her Name is Crystal and she collects angels. Now this is valued at over $500, but I paid about 10% of it's worth from a charity shop. No one complained that she got a higher priced gift than anyone else.
I still keep my Christmas budget under $500 for everyone.

That’s strange behaviour

It is a crazy amount to spend, but will the others even know? I wouldn't think for a second if someone bought my brother a vintage football shirt that it would've cost £300!

Unless it was some very special occasion, I wouldn't either, and I would definitely think it was strange if my husband spent that kind of money on someone who wasn't even a family member yet.

I think one present from both of you would have been sufficient but £300 on some shirt for the boyfriend is not only ridiculous but just seems weird. How close are they that he felt compelled to do something like that (I am assuming he is not printing money!)?

I thought I did well spending £25 on my son’s gf.

I think this is just so wrong and it could end up backfiring on him

Put yourself in the position of the bf. I think it could be embarrassing for him to receive the most expensive gift of everyone. He will I assume know the cost of the shirt and wonder what the hell is going on.

Why is his gfs father buying him expensive gifts? The possible reasons that would cross my mind would have me running for the hills

I agree that £300 is an insane amount but if he is refusing to return it would the others in the house know how much it cost? I have no idea what the price of vintage football shirts is and would never think to look it up. I'd just think how nice it was that your DH had found a gift the BF likes. 🤷‍♀️

He is obviously trying to impress or overshadow the boyfriend by showing he is the Big Man.

He sounds really immature and a silly show off.

What is he buying you fior Christmas and how much will it cost?

How long have DD and BF been together? Are we talking potential husband material? Either way, stupid amount for xmas. I'd be fuming of my parents spent that amount on me and then my husband as well. That's a child's amount of money

Is his birthday coming up at all? If you give this for Xmas, like you say you will have to match it. And if you do that it will be expected every year.
I don't think £300 on your own kids is too much (if you can afford) but not on partners too.

If the shirt is something the boyfriend will really like, why not buy the others something the will really like? It isn't necessarily the value of the gift, it's pointless spending a lot of money on things that won't be appreciated.
This year I have spent far more on my Goddaughter's husband than on her because I know the gift is something he will really appreciate. I have actually bought Goddaughter's present in the charity shop as it is something she will love. For her Mum I have a birdbath from my own garden as she specifically asked for one.
It isn't the amount you spend, it's the thoughtfulness.

Well probably one that was about to cost 300 quid yeah🙄

I was telling my partner about this thread (before the OP updated) and she said "Be ironic if the DD had been planning to dump him..." Or the boyfriend was planning to similarly.

There’s no reason you have to match it. I hope he spent his own money not family money. And I hope they don’t break up any time soon!

Would anyone know how much it cost? You could have bought it for £50 on eBay. You're overthinking.

For it to be valuable enough to be on a par with the £300 gift, it would have to be extremely thoughtful and absolutely perfectly pitched, like something the person has been wanting for years, or something with extremely high sentimental value, and I doubt OP has enough sentimental items sitting around, or the time or energy to get the most thoughtful gifts ever, for five adults…

I was going to say this too. Just make it an individual present from DH, buy the boyfriend a normal present and spend what you’d normally spend on everyone within budget. That will surely be cheaper than spending £1800 on everyone.