Devastated over not being invited on group holiday

There’s a lot of kick people when you’re down people here- imo unfortunately they just thought they were being fair- nothing to do with them never seeing you again or thinking you’d steal their husbands or anything like that- they just didn’t want to leave one person out or take sides. Yanbu because it is horrible for you but at the same time they were stuck between a rock snd a hard place. Sorry op, breaking up sucks x

The quickest way to lose your friends is to be awkward about things like this. They’re trying very hard to keep things fair and both friendships going. It’s difficult for everybody and if you make it harder for them, you might find yourself edged out which is exactly what you don’t want.

I wouldn’t want to go on a group holiday with a very freshly (might not even be yet) divorced couple. It would be extremely awkward. These people are your friends, but you are no longer a “friendship group” with your exH.

To be honest I sympathise with their dilemma immensely and I had an awkward situation myself 2 years ago that was extremely similar. If they hadn’t booked it yet I think I would have been tempted not to organise a trip at all this year if I was the friends. Or suggest a girls/boys trip instead.

It’s really hard when a couple in a friend group splits up as the friend group gets lost too. They are also probably feeling sad about that and looking for ways to navigate.

I don’t think they have handled it particularly well but I don’t think they have been unreasonable necessarily.

I would also suggest that actually, they are neither yours nor your exH’s friends. They are each other’s friends and they have included you as a couple which might be why it feels easier for them to go away without you.

FWIW my main friend group is 3 couples and one single man. It is fine but we do wish we had an 8th person sometimes

This sounds lovely and truly inclusive.

It shouldn’t matter whether people fit the nuclear idea of couples etc. Aren’t we all people in our own right? You shouldnt have to find a new group of female friends just because you’re divorced.

I for one don’t want to just socialise with women, especially if the men were my friends too. I find it boring.

This.

I found losing friends and family like this the worst thing about getting divorced.

Many of my friends still have dinner parties and don’t invite me as I’m single.

I personally wouldn't want the awkwardness of a in-divorce couple coming on a couples holiday, or indeed a singleton tagging along on a couples holiday.

I’d say his friends given he got the outcome he wanted

Did you ever socialise with anyone from the group without your partner in tow?

or was this a group whereby every single
time you got together… it was both of you present?

I think that since it's a couple's trip, then they want to keep it a couple's trip.

You need to make friends with women who are now single and have trips with them.
A single person on a couple's rip would be weird for many people. Maybe that is how the couples in this case feel.
More than a marriage ends with a divorce.

I understand why you feel disappointed. This is what happens when couples split up. Single ones don't get invited to couples things.

OP, I am...appalled to read all these people who say it's fine to not include your friends once they are single. My friends are a real mix...single, married with a partner who lives elsewhere, and couples. We've been on holidays with al sorts of mixtures of them. Not all friends are useless

I sympathise but they made it clear that they weren't going to invite either of you to stay neutral. Whether you agree with that or not, that's their decision. You tried to find a way around it, but, at the end of the day, it's up to them. I understand your ex not wanting to go with you as there's the possibility of awkwardness and friction and, frankly, not that many people would want to holiday with an ex no matter how amicable their relationship is - or with a couple who had split up.

I actually think they have been pretty decent, although not sure how sustainable long term it will be. It seems to be common for some joint friends to then 'drop' one of the couple after a split.

Nah. Couples holidays are not for newly divorced people still in the "I'm so cool with it all" phase of the divorce, or for any single people. Her couples friends are not her group therapy and are entitled to enjoy their holiday free of her stresses and without trying to painfully pretend it's not super weird now.

Being honest and realistic is always far better than faux outrage and melt downs, I find.

It's no big deal. OP can find some single friends to pal around with, or organise a girls holiday and not try to gooseberry in on a couples group.

Not everything is for everyone.

C'est la vie.

I sympathise with you. I noticed I lost quite a few friends after my divorce. People feel awkward and usually want to be around other couples if they are a couple. Sorry this has happened, but it is very common.

WTF?!?! Op is their friend, why would she "be hanging around like a gooseberry". Is this really how people think? That their mates have now value unless they are in a couple? Yuk.

It's the reality for lots of divorced or widowed men as well. Most long-established couples have lots of couple friends and these melt away from both the newly single men and women

They were probably incredibly relieved he made it clear he wants nothing to do with it - good excuse for neither of you being there, because the only thing worse than you hanging about like a gooseberry would be the two of you trying to act like the coolest divorcees who are just oh so adult about it all. Painful as fuck.

Now they can just have a nice, stress free holiday.

Nope. He is excluding himself. They should both be invited and they can then choose.

You'd probably spoil their fun, no matter how cool you think you're being about the split, it's a couples holiday and you're no longer a couple. So long as they're not inviting him there's no reason to be hurt.

You could try organising a holiday with just the women.

Friendship groups change, die off, move on as we go through life. Might be time to look for some new friends too.

Nasty

Sorry but I despise being with a group of our friends who have 2 people who used to date and have now "moved on" (new partners hate the exes and spend every dinner making snide comments), and a couple who divorced a year ago and claim everything's fine but constantly talk behind each other's back and clearly aren't over each other. It's hell. If I'm ever in the situation your friends are in I would do the same.

Now I’ve always championed the idea that single people can mix perfectly well with couples, being a widow. But I wouldn’t want to go away on a trip with friends who are all couples, especially if I used to go with my ex. The dynamic would be totally different. I’m with your friends in this one.

your Ex DH has drawn that (very normal, reasonable) boundary

This whole comment was good, but I think this is particularly worth noting. If you were my friend actively in the midst of a divorce I would honestly discourage you from going on a couples trip with your ex. And if I had a friend who was interested in someone who was talking about going on a couples trip with their recent ex as "just friends" I would tell that friend not to get involved.

Working hard to co-parent as a team and to be kind and amicable with each other is great and healthy, but so is being deliberate about ending your old relationship and laying out boundaries that will define your new lives apart. If you don't do the latter the situation can easily turn toxic despite the best intentions. Both of you attending a kid-inclusive party with these friends is a healthy co-parenting goal, but carrying on going on your annual kid-free couples' trip and just sleeping in separate rooms is definitely not the same.

I can completely see why your Ex DH didn't feel comfortable going on a couples holiday with you when you're newly divorced. It would be very awkward, not just for the two of you but for everyone else as well. I imagine it could also have the potential be quite upsetting, since presumably you have fond memories of these trips together during happier times, so it might bring up a lot of emotions.

From your perspective it probably feels like because you were willing to be the bigger person by suggesting you go together, maybe that means you 'deserve' the trip more. But there are valid reasons why the vast majority of divorced couples don't continue to holiday together. I don't think it's fair to say that because your Ex DH has drawn that (very normal, reasonable) boundary that means it's 'fair' for you to automatically get to go on the trip without him. He didn't say he didn't want to go, just that he didn't feel comfortable going with you now you're not together. So if your friends invited you to come alone, rather than inviting him to come alone, that would absolutely be "taking sides" in my view. They really can't win.

YANBU. They’re meant to be your friends. They aren’t taking sides. Therefore you should both still be welcome and it’s up to you as individuals if you want to go or not.

Sure, it was a “couples thing” but most people are mature enough to be able to deal with a mix of couples and singles. You say these are your closest friends? It shouldn’t matter to them whether you split or not, you should be invited on the trip you’ve always been a part of.