Devastated over not being invited on group holiday

This, sadly. The friendships you had will change forever. Accept it, make new friends and move on. It’s so sad, I have been there too. They stop inviting you now you are single.

The ex has said it would be weird for them both to go. If the friends have "taken sides" it's in agreeing with the ex that it will be awkward for them both to go on the trip so soon after the split when they are evidently not in harmony, no matter how hopeful OP is that it would all just be fine. Neither OP nor the ex have said they would duck out to make way for the other person this year, so as a consequence neither of them are going.

I think an actual couples holiday is probably the only time it is ok to have just couples. it isn’t just an evening.

I would wait to see what happens. I am aware of a friend who was in this situation. No animosity, no children involved either. They did try the meeting up joint friends thing but it was just awkward. They are civilised people, the dynamic was just off. I think people feel guarded with what they say and hence uncomfortable.

They are taking sides though OP. Your ex doesn’t like the idea so neither of you go ? He had the choice but you didn’t ? I do think it would be an odd dynamic if you are on your own while the rest of the group are couples, but if that’s the real reason they should say so instead of framing it as a question of loyalties, which it clearly isn’t.

It has the same undertone as my own experience after l was widowed. You’re now a single woman and perceived as a threat. It’s unpleasant but it’s a fact.

I would agree with you normally, but it appears before the split the holiday was a 'couples holiday' now i personally could not think of anything worse but the op was part of the couple holiday when they were a couple that is no longer the case

That's a good point about this year. If you separated just a few weeks later OP, it's likely there would've been signs that was coming. It's possible some of them found it awkward.

4-1. You go with the majority.

It seems everyone including you and XDH think of this as a group couples trip. People can feel these are a bad idea if they like, but that's the established parameter and so it's very obvious why they think you coming solo would be uncomfortable. Also understandable that you feel sad about it.

I would try and take the initiative to arrange new social events with the group instead of trying to change the mould of something that already exists. For example, do people fancy Christmas outings together?

Please don't police @Findmrcrumble's use of language. She's had a recent, albeit civilised divorce (July) and the breaking of an established and valued custom changed. She is the judge of her feelings here.

I happen to think her friends are right.

So your friends said they don’t want to be seen taking sides but you can’t go with them because your exh said so.

If that isn’t taking sides then I don’t know what is.

Might be wrong but would watch this group closely. You might find exh is setting the stage to introduce a gf and as a couple they will be going.

If you are co parenting well and your split was “amicable” then I would find it strange that he says neither of you can go.

I get being upset (please don't use devastated, it comes across as exaggerating). You have at least had the courtesy of a response when asking.

@Forgotthebins you have a valid point, just look at the threads where someone has asked if it is ok to go to the cinema or a gig by themselves.

I think the “couple culture” in the UK is mad, the idea that you can only do things in pairs, like it’s the animals going into Noah’s Ark.

You don’t need to cut these friends off but you DEFINITELY need to make new friends.

I can totally see how hurtful this is for you to process. I imagine you feel blindsided for not seeing this coming as a symptom of divorce.
I have also experienced this and it does hit you hard, no matter how rational you are about it. One Christmas I was at home and picture of all my really close friend came up on facebook (I went away with them all in September and we are still all close). They were all out out and all really dressed up, I couldn't work out what I had done wrong. It turned out it was a couples night and obviously I didn't know because not a couple.
It's 100% there right to have nights like that, it's not worth losing friendships over but it was a bit hard to swallow up and to this day I have never mentioned how I felt when I saw that picture. I actually think couple stuff gives me the ick, not sure I would take a partner if invited.

Reading this I’m just pleased my husband of 28 years and I have never done anything coupley. It’s giving me the ick just reading it. I can’t conceive of being seen as part of a pear. We even holiday with various single friends - with no gooseberrying going on at all.

OP - if you only ever really saw them as couples I guess you’ll have to see them as friends for a time in your life rather than long term. I wouldn’t bother trying to meet the women separately, unless you already do / have been as I suspect it will just lead to more disappointment.

These sorts of losses are sad, but also leave room for new friendships & trips away with new people. I’d focus on building up friendships with people who will be supportive.

i hope the coparenting continues to go well. I have friends who manage it well - they do go away together with their children & have days out together - & quite a few years down the line it’s working well for them and the kids. So it can work - it’s not easy but not impossible.

I don't think it's clear that's what's happening here though.

I would have no issue going away with a mix of couples and single friends at all. Maybe OP's friends feel the same BUT in this scenario, when the 'single friends' were a couple until recently but have now gotten divorced, which one do you invite?? How are they supposed to 'include' both their newly single friends when one half of the former couple doesn't feel comfortable (entirely understandably) holidaying with their Ex and this would probably be awkward for everyone else too. I can't think of a solution that feels fair to everyone, so maybe that's why their instinct was to invite neither of them.

I don't see why some are saying that the ex has had his way. They both want to go. Neither has said they would duck out this year to make the space for the other and so neither of them are going, neither of them have they outcome they want.

Their behaviour is very transactional. Are they precious people? Like really good people who only like tidy situations? Are they really your friends? I would be grateful to be rid of the whole lot of them. They are not standing up for you and you are still being controlled by your ex's choices. Good groups of friends should include the dazed and confused, not just the coupled! Very precious of them to exclude you.

I don’t get the comments about the ‘dynamic’ being affected by a single person on the trip. What, is it keys in a bowl or all dry humping on sunbeds? I just don’t get it. They’re all longstanding friendships.

i found my friendships really strengthened post divorce. My three closest friends were the most incredible support. Mind you, they were very much my friends pre divorce.

After my divorce I went single (sometimes with kids) to tons of couple/family things. No-one ever blinked an eye, I just got invited to everything. Everyone was completely used to me being single, then they later embraced my now husband and we go together.

They were my friends not his though.

So I think the issue is, as they say, they don't want to pick sides and they're trying to be sensitive.

If you're on good terms with your ex, you could talk to him about it as a general topic, then your friends don't need to feel awkward about every event in future.

You've got divorced, not caught leprosy.

Yeah, it’s weird isn’t it? Our friends are getting divorced (amicable) and we see them as much as ever, often together sometimes separate but we leave it up to them- they’re invited to everything and they invite us. They’re still our friends and I’d miss them!

You should have both been invited, then it’s up to you if one or both of you wanted to go. I’m sorry op, this is poor.

Nah.

"You can't sit with us!"

I'll be fucking off the lot of them.

It’s one of those things that comes with the circumstances unfortunately. They're not being unreasonable. It’s understandable why you’re so upset. Our relationships are never so simple, they have tendrils that reach far and wide and having to sever these is a painful but necessary part of the process.

Instead of dwelling on that, think of new beginnings and start something new and exciting with another group. Your options are endless. Take care.

This is mumsnet where people don’t answer their door or have many friends at all so don’t listen to all this nonsense saying couple friends think you’re going to steal their husbands or be a gooseberry. I think they are all trying their best not to exclude one of you, so thought it a better idea for none of you to come this year.

It’s their childfree break so guess they don’t want to risk any weirdness if you both went or excluding the other if only invited one. I’d tell them you’re very upset about it, but understand where they are coming from. Not worth losing their friendship completely as they are doing their best to keep you both as friends.