Devastated over not being invited on group holiday

I very much doubt these women are threatened by the op. In fact I’d put good money on it.

Well, or, as in the OP’s case, they’re trying to remain friends with both people and don’t want to take sides by inviting one of the former couple or risk a repetition of last year by inviting both in the immediate aftermath of a divorce.

I’m not sure I buy the ‘single women are seething with dangerous sexuality and will bag our chaps at the drop of a hat’ school of thought.

Is that because the women feel threatened by a single woman ?

Having one single on a couples holiday would be an odd dynamic. Seems a sensible choice. Who not try and arrange a break with the ladies of the group?

With the one divorced couple we know where we had an equally strong friendship with the wife and the husband which we tried to continue that with them both, it was the husband that eventually stepped back from us (once he was in a new relationship).

which on a COUPLE holiday, is fine?

Projecting what ? It’s the experience of many posters here, and it was definitely my experience on becoming a relatively young widow. I was dropped by many of the married couples l regarded as friends.

Either or both of OP and XH could feasibly have a new relationship soon and expect to bring the new partner/s. It's likely at least some of the others have clocked this, and they might not necessarily want people they don't know that well to come along.

If not this year, he’ll be there next year with his new girlfriend. That’s how it always goes.

I suspect this is the case, he would go if the op wasn’t, just he won’t go with her, which is totally the right decision from him, and right for the group.

Get used to it. This is how people behave when you get divorced. I've lost 80% of my couple friends. They just don't want a single woman around end of.

Maybe husband wants to go? This is probably what they were trying to avoid. I understand their awkwardness about this situation.

Hi OP ..
I kinda agree with you being honest 🤷🏻‍♀️..
You don’t have an issue with your husband going but he feels it awkward , which is fine too , but I think you should be able to go then , it’s not like it was just you & your husband & one other couple , which obviously would be third wheel , it’s with 3 other couples, that’s quite a few people, can’t see how it makes any odds that they are couples being honest ..

No, don't do that. They clearly don't want OP to come, so it's either guilt trip them into acquiescing or make the situation even more awkward by forcing them to repeat that she's uninvited. Why would anyone want to go on a holiday knowing the other members of the party preferred them not to be there?

OP is totally reasonable to be upset by this situation, but what she needs is to accept it going forward and think about how best to ensure she still sees this group socially.

Some of these responses are really quite odd and very dramatic. Not going on this trip doesn’t mean her friendship group is over, she doesn’t need to find new friends, and I’d bet good money her friends don’t think she will try to steal their husbands either.

op, simply four months in this is very awkward for everyone. And they are still finding their footing in how to handle the new dynamics.

im surprised you’d still want to go on a couples break with your ex., that would be incredibly awkward, as evidenced by him saying no, i think you’re thinking more about the fact you want to go rather than the reality of it. Everyone else is thinking of the reality of it.

we have a couple in our group who divorced, it was incredibly awkward, so we took it in turns to invite them to group events, as in one came to one, the other came to the next and so on.

The male wanted us to invite them both together to events, saw no reason why they could not just both go, and the female was a complete no to that , but he wanted them to get back together and she would rather have chewed her own arm off than get back with him. It was pleasant for the kids between them,

we did do a weekend away with them both, at a festival, not long after they split, as the tickers were bought and paid for, and it was a terrible idea, never to be repeated, as he kept trying to be very friendly to her, whilst she wanted him to fuck off to the other side of the moon, so we ended up spending a lot of time in little groups so they were apart.

I think you may need to learn what "boundary" means.
Nobody's "boundaries" have been "bulldozed".
The misuse and weaponisation of these types of concepts is a serious issue.

On another note- What is this weird thing about a "couples holiday" anyway? Do you all have synchronised sex or something 😆😅.

They’re making a decision for themselves. They get to choose how they spend their limited holiday time and budget, and they’ve chosen for this to remain a couples’ holiday. They’ve also decided they don’t want to invite only one of their divorcing friends and don’t want to spend their holiday with a couple that is mid-divorce and thus incredibly unlikely to be as chill and amicable as OP thinks.

Couples holidays are different from mixed-group ones (and from family holidays, girls holidays, romantic getaways, etc). OP presumably was perfectly happy with the nature of the trip and having no singles included as long as she was a couple. It’s hard that that’s no longer the case, but it doesn’t mean that the other people are all obligated to turn the holiday they want into something else. It also doesn’t mean that her friends don’t value or care for her any more than my going on a break with my friend and SIL next week means I don’t care for their husbands and children.

Lol. They've said she can't come. So that's that.

It’s really crappy and thoughtless of this group to make the decision for you and your soon to be ex husband. I’d message them something like this ‘Hey, appreciate it might be weird for you all with mine and DXH situation, but I’d / we’d still like to come for for the weekend.’

Nah.

People are posting from experience, something you seem lacking in.

And honestly, even if it was fine last time - they have said no, so that's that. I am always astonished by how many mumsnetters feel entitled to bulldozer other people's boundaries.

There's no hint at all that they don't want to be her friend, and her friend was cautious but straightforward about telling her the news, which honestly was a kindness.

Divorce is a very real loss and people grieve over it. OP sounds like she's still at the trying to be breezy and "we're all adults here and surely we can manage this without a fight, after all we've known each other for years, and though we're not in love any more we still feel love for one another and we do have children together!" stage of developments, and thinks she and her ex wil be friends into the future.

That's not going to happen - source: reality.

I think she has not yet realised how painful the losses are going to be, and is reacting to this holiday news from that place, her pain is not about the holiday, it is about the loss of all her hopes and dreams, the life she had, the plans she made. Her happy memories of that holiday as a happy couple are actually a good reason not to go, it won't help her heal at all, it's just an attempt to hold onto past happiness.

I do feel sympathy for her, been there, done that. But I was pragmatic about other people's involvement. Friends are not our therapists and they generally don't want to be. The two women I was able to share my pain with had been through something very similar to me, as for the rest I didn't expect special treatment or for them to let me push in as a third wheel.

And if her ex is not already dating, he soon will be (almost certainly), that just doesn't seem to have entered her head. They're not friends and they will not be friends in the future and soon he will be prioritising another woman over you. It's truly difficult to get your heart to believe that, even though your head knows it is true.

I had been separated from my ex for about fiveish years when we finally organised the divorce. I had been in a new relationship for about two years (and I went on to marry him, he's wonderful) and when the decree nisi came through I just burst into tears. In no way did I want him back (at all!) but losing a marriage is losing an awful lot and the grief just flooded over me again all at once.

I have been quite blunt with the OP on this thread, because I think she needed to hear it. But I do feel sympathy for her. I just think she is directing her upset at the wrong people, and if she wants to keep their friendship will have to adjust her expectations. She's single now, her ex is in the past, it is hard but she will have a better time and feel less "devastated" if she accepts her new reality and looks to the future..

No shoulds are in operation. People choose how they spend their holidays. If last year’s was tense because the OP and her DH were on the brink of divorce, they certainly don’t want a repeat performance.

I am extrapolating that those who are pretending to believe (or maybe weirdly do believe) it's all about a single woman being a threat have shagged married men themselves before. It's the last thought that would enter most of our minds, and projection is a real psychological phenomenon.

Nah.