When to call an end to a friendship, or am I being harsh?

Yes, it sounds like she’s already long since ‘called an end’.

If it's a completely one sided relationship, then it's not a friendship. Put it out of it's misery.

They should at least be straight with them if their friendship ever meant anything at all.

This is an old thread.

YANBU, and honestly it sounds like you already know the answer, you just want someone else to say it's okay to act on it.

There's a difference between supporting a friend through a hard time and being the sole engine keeping a friendship alive while getting nothing back — not even basic reciprocity like asking how you are since having a baby, which is a pretty big life event to go unacknowledged. You've been doing the initiating, the checking in, the emotional labour, for what sounds like a long stretch now, and it's had one week-late text and radio silence as the return on that.

It's worth separating "she's going through something hard" from "therefore the friendship must continue exactly as is, indefinitely, on entirely your effort." Those aren't the same thing. You can hold compassion for her situation with her estranged children while also recognising that a friendship needs at least some two-way engagement to actually function as a friendship, rather than you doing unpaid emotional support work with no relationship coming back the other way.

You don't have to make a dramatic announcement or have a big confrontation. It's entirely reasonable to just quietly stop being the only one making effort — send less, chase less, and see what's actually left when you're not the one propping the whole thing up. If she notices and re-engages, that tells you something. If she doesn't notice at all, that also tells you something, and probably answers your question.

You're allowed to be bored of one-sided effort. That's not harsh, that's just noticing an imbalance that's been going on too long.

So she’s an alcoholic who has fallen out with her own children about it and treats your friendship as a totally one way source for support for her without ever offering support to you in return. I can be a bit of a mug when it comes to trying to help people who won’t help themselves, but even I can see she’s not worth it. Stop chasing after her a focus on building new friendships with other new mums.

And there we have the nub of it. She isn’t responsibly drinking, she’s been outspoken and unkind to her DiL, she’s lost her AC and doesn’t value your friendship. Walk away OP.

Op you are a new mother, enjoying time you will never get back with your baby - I wouldn’t waste any more time on this. Be happy, enjoy your baby

It sounds like you would be better off with more friends of your own age let her go OP.

I would let this friendship go op, she doesn’t have the capacity for true reciprocal friendship.

You deserve to have friends that are interested and care for you.

I would message her and say you have tried really hard to be a good friend to her but she has lots going on in her life, and you will wait for her to make contact when the time is right and pull right back.

She may need to hit rock bottom before she addresses her addiction, and what it is doing to her closest relationships.

Yes, let it end.
She will help to make the effort to repair the friendship, if she notices.

Is she drinking or are one or both dc alcoholic?

if it is your friend then you have your answer. Her only friendship is likely to be with the bottle. That’s what addiction looks like.

These replies are interesting.

Why are so many people (women?) persisting in trying to keep a friendship going with someone who clearly isn't interested in being friends with them?

If you're describing someone as not getting back to you, not replying to messages, not wanting to meet up, it doesn't necessarily mean it's a flaw in them or that they're depressed. They might just not want to be your friend anymore.

This. I don't see what else you can do. You don't have to declare the friendship over.

Objectively, why are her AC NC with her? Has she been as distant, self-pitiful and selfish with them as she is with you?

That sounds really painful. You’re not dragging anyone down by being honest about your own life. I’d rather know if my friends were struggling.

You don’t have to keep messaging her - it’s not your job to keep her relationships afloat. It must be incredibly painful to lose both of her children op, and to hear all about your baby.

Leave the door open for her to get in touch when she can, and you should get on and enjoy your baby and some new friends that share this stage with you.

I imagine she must be extremely depressed, she is going through the equivalent of a double bereavement of her own children op. I hope she has professional support.

Let her go, she sounds like shes deep in depression and doesnt really have the head space for others.

Im in the same boat as you OP i have a been “friends” with this woman for 20+ years and it was always me texting her to see how she is, catch up etc and i just got fed up of always being the one to reach out so i stopped, that was 6 months ago and ive not heard anything from her, it sad because we were very good friends, her son still plays xbox with my son and daughter but i just had enough of always being the one to keep the friendship going, she hasn’t even met my 22 month old xx

Let it go hard when its one sided efforts. Had few friends like her it fizzled out

Just crack on with your own life. You've tried. Some long friendships just whither. 🤷🏻‍♀️