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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my partner 'almost pulled'

108 replies

FierceForester90 · 02/11/2025 12:27

I have been in a relationship wuth a guy for just over 2 years. Its not the easiest as we are long distance and we are both going through divorces while trying to sell our houses.
On Friday night he went out with friends, he messaged yesterday morning to say he had been out until 5am. I jokingly asked if he had pulled and his response was:
'No but I almost did, got dancing with a very attractive lady. I think she would have kissed me had I let her but I thought better of it as my mates were there. Didn't even get her number'
AIBU to feel upset by this? I asked if that was the only reason and he then said 'OK no it wasn't' but by that point I was quite angry. I said that had he kissed her and swapped numbers that would have showed the intention to form a connection and his only response was 'but I didn't do it did I'.
I don't understand if he just worded the message badly but he seems angry at me for being upset about it. Am I being unreasonable? Its made me feel quite hurt and disrespected.

OP posts:
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DanielleTheSpanielle · 13/07/2026 02:18

FierceForester90 · 02/11/2025 12:27

I have been in a relationship wuth a guy for just over 2 years. Its not the easiest as we are long distance and we are both going through divorces while trying to sell our houses.
On Friday night he went out with friends, he messaged yesterday morning to say he had been out until 5am. I jokingly asked if he had pulled and his response was:
'No but I almost did, got dancing with a very attractive lady. I think she would have kissed me had I let her but I thought better of it as my mates were there. Didn't even get her number'
AIBU to feel upset by this? I asked if that was the only reason and he then said 'OK no it wasn't' but by that point I was quite angry. I said that had he kissed her and swapped numbers that would have showed the intention to form a connection and his only response was 'but I didn't do it did I'.
I don't understand if he just worded the message badly but he seems angry at me for being upset about it. Am I being unreasonable? Its made me feel quite hurt and disrespected.

I haven’t read the whole thread but I’d get rid, pronto! My exh used to wind me up like this then it became a reality and broke my heart

Moonlicker · 13/07/2026 02:09

So many stories here make me really dislike men, but there's still gooduns out there. Even so, being on one's own is better than that crap. It took me a long time to figure that out. We can give ourselves better respect 🙏. Wishing you peace & respect and freedom from nonsense.

k8jr · 07/11/2025 19:24

Wow 🚩🚩🚩
He sounds very immature and disrespectful.
Then he tries to gaslight you when you explain why you're upset!?
Cut your losses and be done.

Missj25 · 04/11/2025 16:38

FierceForester90 · 04/11/2025 16:11

This sadly happens a lot, if there is an issue and I try to raise it then he thinks I am telling him off and is dismissive. I am also ND with ADHD however mine means I have quite bad RSD (rejection sensitive disorder) its probably not the nest 2 things to combine....

Show quote history

Never heard of RSD ..
I’d say all humans have that ..
Who likes rejection !!!!!

inkognitha · 04/11/2025 16:14

YABVU
You asked him a truly stupid question “did you pull?”, you probably were looking for reassurance and trying to play it cool girl and it backfired on you.
Because this man has been honest with you. He went out, a lady tried, he declined.
He has done nothing wrong, has replied to your banter at the level YOU set, I understand why he is angry.
If you get insecure because he goes out and you can’t own it, and you ask for black when you actually want white, it’s on you, sorry.

Original poster
FierceForester90 · 04/11/2025 16:11

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 04/11/2025 13:56

That's how an ND brain works for a lot of people I'm afraid.
They (we) can be portrayed as still in the younger years in life i.e., feeling as though you're in trouble for something/the telling off.

As someone who is ND, I wouldn't blame you for walking away if you feel like this relationship isn't for you, ND or not

This sadly happens a lot, if there is an issue and I try to raise it then he thinks I am telling him off and is dismissive. I am also ND with ADHD however mine means I have quite bad RSD (rejection sensitive disorder) its probably not the nest 2 things to combine....

OP posts:
Cinnamon77 · 04/11/2025 15:55

It's just sad that another ND / ADHD person loses out because if their ND / ADHD

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 04/11/2025 13:56

That's how an ND brain works for a lot of people I'm afraid.
They (we) can be portrayed as still in the younger years in life i.e., feeling as though you're in trouble for something/the telling off.

As someone who is ND, I wouldn't blame you for walking away if you feel like this relationship isn't for you, ND or not

Original poster
FierceForester90 · 04/11/2025 12:28

Thanks all for your input. We spoke yesterday but it was all very defensive from him. He admitted it had been a stupid and thoughtless comment but couldn't understand why I had been so upset about it. It was literally like he just wanted to forget it and move on and that I was just telling him off.

I have been wondering for a while now if this is the right place for me to be and I feel it prpbabaly isn't anymore.

OP posts:
MusicMakesItAllBetter · 04/11/2025 10:58

OP I think you should swerve this for a relationship closer to home

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 04/11/2025 10:58

Cinnamon77 · 03/11/2025 07:31

It's actually a common aspect of ADHD - they're not listening or attentive to something else when something is discussed with them. As the OP says, one symptom of this man's ADHD is his bluntness, which is usually a response to the frustration they feel and not grasping the situation properly with the ADHD mind - the solution is to explain things more clearly (and slowly if possible)

Show quote history

In my experience of ADHD and people living with ADHD, we don't need to have things explained to us slowly.... We're not foreign or retarded.
Different wording helps or trying different scenarios yes if we don't understand something straight away.

MidnightMeltdown · 04/11/2025 00:03

Was this supposed to be some kind of really bad joke to wind you up?

If not, then you definitely are not in a relationship!

PollyBell · 03/11/2025 23:18

Bit of an odd question for an adult to ask another if you think you are in a mature grown up relationship

Mistyglade · 03/11/2025 23:16

Get away from him. An ex of mine did this as a way of keeping me just insecure enough to remain on the back foot.

Bowies · 03/11/2025 22:27

Unless this was obviously tongue in cheek (no pun intended) which you would have got after a 2 year relationship - I would consider he isn’t monogamous.

Did he realise he was replying to you do you think?

GirlWithTheRedScarf · 03/11/2025 22:26

FierceForester90 · 02/11/2025 19:35

I appreciate it was a stupid question. There was probabaly an undertone to it because where would you be until 5am? I know for a fact the answer was not a joke or fireback, he has ADHD and can be quite blunt at times. I wouldn't have been upset if he had explained what happened and just said it didn't go any further. To say it only didn't because his mates were there and he didn't even get her number was a lot for me to hear.

His reaction was to be angry at me for expressibg how I felt about what he said. He hasnt spoken to me or read any of my messages since yesterday afternoon.

Edited

You can do so much better. I think I’d rather be single that put up with that behaviour from a man. Major ick!
When he goes out next time will you be anxious or paranoid about what he may be up to? If yes, I’d get shot of him before you get in too deep.

FreyjaOfTheNorth · 03/11/2025 22:22

That’s not a relationship.

Cherryicecreamx · 03/11/2025 22:19

MindyMcready · 02/11/2025 12:31

Tell him to fuck right off.

This. Ew. How thick is he to not realise how bad that sounds?! Or he doesn't care. Both are bad and I wouldn't want to waste any more time on this "man".

MyLimeGuide · 03/11/2025 22:08

I reckon he didnt mean it and it was in retaliation to your question, maybe it hit a nerve? But the fact he is now ignoring your messages is bad news. Hes playing games, u dont need that shit.

ThisArtfulRobin · 03/11/2025 21:56

Sorry but you have to take some responsibility for entertaining this and continuing to be in a relationship with such a man. Even the fact you still refer to him as a “partner” says a lot about you.

DirtyBird · 03/11/2025 21:55

I'd rather be alone (and I am) than be with a disrespectful twit like this. I feel like he was bragging or trying to push your buttons by even mentioning it to you.

Document4 · 03/11/2025 20:58

I would not even be impressed by dancing with another woman.

moderate · 03/11/2025 20:47

What do you think the nature of your "relationship" is? Sounds like you and he see it differently.

Goingbonkers247 · 03/11/2025 20:40

I'd be very hurt by that response but honestly have never asked my partner that question. I wouldn't expect he would do that to me on a night out with mates. I get the impression you are not on the same page. I hope you find someone that makes you happy and not second guessing your relationship.

Missj25 · 03/11/2025 20:17

BauhausOfEliott · 02/11/2025 13:15

Either

a) he wants to end the relationship but hasn’t got the guts to dump you, so he’s treating you like shit in the hope you’ll end it and he can then act like you’re the bad guy

or

b) he gets a thrill out of seeing much he can humiliate you and is enjoying ruining your self-esteem while you keep coming back for more.

Sorry to be so blunt, but it’s as plain as the nose on your face that he’s doing this on purpose to hurt you. He doesn’t love you, or even like you very much. He probably laughs with his mates about you.

Ah , bit harsh I think “ laughing with his mates at OP “ ..
I think maybe he just doesn’t view relationship as serious as OP thought ..
Also , I’m pretty sure he likes her ..
They need to talk ..