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Original poster

Asking guests to pay £50 for a birthday lunch?

558 replies

birthdayquandary · 28/10/2025 22:51

I'm trying to decide if this WBU... I've namechanged as it may be outing.

I have a big birthday coming up. It is at a crap/ difficult time of year which means historically I've very rarely celebrated on the day with friends. This coming birthday it happens to be on a Saturday and I'd like to celebrate it. However, given crap time of year obvious things like hosting a party at home/ in the garden or even an evening party aren't an option.

What I'd like to do is 'host' a big lunch (up to 40ish people) in a private room at a nice hotel that does great food. Then people who want to stay over can and those who don't have time to get home (my friends live in various locations, all within about an hour of where I'm hoping to have party). I love a big, cosy lunch with friends and this is how I'd love to celebrate my birthday. However, I can't afford to pay for the whole thing. It's looking like it'd be at least £50ph for food, plus drinks and possibly a 'room charge'. I can cover some of the cost, but not all of it. Would IBU to ask people to pay £50ph to cover their food, and then I cover the booze, service charge, room charge, etc?

The only friends who've hosted big meals like this for birthdays have been able to afford to pay for the whole thing. Everyone else I know who has held a party has done an evening thing at home or out in a bar (where they either have or haven't covered all or some of the cost). I can't host the lunch at home because I don't have enough space, and also don't want to be cooking or cleaning up on my birthday.

What do you think? Is it gauche (or plain cheeky) to ask people to stump up £50 (or thereabouts)? I think it probably is, but given the particularly crap date of my birthday a lunch thing is really the only option...

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 29/10/2025 12:14

I don't think people are goign to be getting smashed on a Saturday during the day at our age?

lol. I wouldn’t be so sure about that, I love getting squiffy in the afternoon. Grin

Purplebunnie · 29/10/2025 12:09

Toddlerteaplease · 29/10/2025 12:06

I’d pay for afternoon tea. But not £50 for one lunch.

Actually I'd rather attend an afternoon tea, what a brilliant idea you've come up with. @birthdayquandary what about what @Toddlerteaplease has said?

Toddlerteaplease · 29/10/2025 12:06

I’d pay for afternoon tea. But not £50 for one lunch.

HelpMyJob · 29/10/2025 11:59

OP could you not find a hotel function room that would allow you to host a buffet? This would probably be cheaper and mean you can socialise more too? If you have a budget of £1.5k I really think you can host a lovely party without people chipping in!

That said, I will go against the grain and say if you’re really upfront with everyone that you’d like them to contribute, I think it’s fair enough! If people can’t or don’t want to then they won’t come!

BlazesBoylansHat · 29/10/2025 11:57

Op you're getting a hard time but mn is v weird around birthdays (i even started a thread on it!)

We hosted a couple of significant birthdays & on 2 occassions we booked an area in a v nice bar & we prepaid for x amouunt of wine, bubbles for a toast & lots of cheese & charcuterie boards with bread & crackers etc

We invited people from 8pm.& made sure the invitation specfied 'wine & cheese' so guests knew not to expect a full meal

There was a bar so people were free to buy alternative drinks. But there was plenty of food & wine for all.

Worked v well

CarmelaBrunella · 29/10/2025 11:53

SP2024 · 29/10/2025 11:45

I think it’s fine tbh. How is it any different to saying would you like to meet me at x restaurant to celebrate my birthday? Or going to a hen party etc. If people know the price and it’s a fixed price menu it makes it a lot easier on the day for payment as well. No faffing around counting up who had what and (as is always the case) there ending up with a balance to pay. Obviously some people will say no, as long as you’re prepared for that. You will also know the rough financial situation of your friends and if this is possible for them. Just make sure you give a few paydays notice.

Because when you go to a restaurant it's a different vibe from hosting in a private venue. Plus, at a restaurant I can choose dishes which are more budget friendly and maybe not have 3 courses.

SP2024 · 29/10/2025 11:45

I think it’s fine tbh. How is it any different to saying would you like to meet me at x restaurant to celebrate my birthday? Or going to a hen party etc. If people know the price and it’s a fixed price menu it makes it a lot easier on the day for payment as well. No faffing around counting up who had what and (as is always the case) there ending up with a balance to pay. Obviously some people will say no, as long as you’re prepared for that. You will also know the rough financial situation of your friends and if this is possible for them. Just make sure you give a few paydays notice.

LushLemonTart · 29/10/2025 11:43

And get a cleaner to tidy? Or give close friends tasks. Mine always help me after parties.

LushLemonTart · 29/10/2025 11:42

meatyryvita · 29/10/2025 11:19

If you have some money to go towards it, how about a renting/borrowing a marquee/shelter for your garden, renting/borrowing some heaters, and getting an outside caterer to do odds and sods? A relative with a December birthday did this last year and it was fab.

That's a fab idea.

Deadringer · 29/10/2025 11:42

Why not have 2 more simple birthday lunches, one local on the day, and one in the city on another date? Convenient for both sets of friends and two nice days out for you.

LushLemonTart · 29/10/2025 11:40

@birthdayquandary is there a pub locally that could do a buffet? I did that for a big one. Although I know the landlords so took my own food.

Borethefuckoff · 29/10/2025 11:37

No! It’s rude.
Hire somewhere for drinks? Put some money behind the bar then when it’s gone, people buy their own drinks? Don’t host something you can’t afford!

CarmelaBrunella · 29/10/2025 11:31

EstherGreenwood63 · 29/10/2025 10:56

OP Do ignore the, ahem, "goaders". This place is rife. I totally get where you're coming from. A once in a lifetime celebration on your actual birthday is NOT too much to want/ask. I hope you have a wonderful day whatever you do. 💐

Why is it once in a lifetime?

mcmooberry · 29/10/2025 11:29

I honestly think it's ok to ask them, they might see it as great chance to all get together and you will be covering quite a bit, you aren't making a profit out of them! Maybe be clear no present as they are paying £50 each. I would be happy to pay this for a lovely lunch and celebrating a big birthday. Obviously seem to be in the minority.

goingtotown · 29/10/2025 11:28

I doubt your friends are bothered you’ve got a big birthday to pay £50 each for their meal.

chaosmaker · 29/10/2025 11:20

spoonbillstretford · 29/10/2025 10:52

If your birthday is at a crap time of year, give yourself an "official" birthday like the King and have your party at a better time of the year. Then you have more options or more chance to save up and do what you want.

why should any of us have to do that with awkward (because of stupid traditions) birthdays. we weren't born on a more suitable for everyone else day.

meatyryvita · 29/10/2025 11:19

If you have some money to go towards it, how about a renting/borrowing a marquee/shelter for your garden, renting/borrowing some heaters, and getting an outside caterer to do odds and sods? A relative with a December birthday did this last year and it was fab.

chaosmaker · 29/10/2025 11:18

BCSurvivor · 29/10/2025 10:34

OP, that's so selfish.
if you can't afford to hire the room /food/alcohol for your party then don't do it.
Go out for a meal instead, where everyone pays for themselves.
Why do you feel you need to hire a function room for a private dining experience and invite so many people for a birthday knowing full well that you can't afford it?

If it was a friend I loved, I'd be more than happy to pay so they could have a celebration.

Needlenardlenoo · 29/10/2025 11:14

Or pub room and buffet. My DSis and DBIL both did that for 50ths and they were both pretty cosy and I doubt they came in at above a grand: as they were lunches, there was a lot less drinking than you'd get in the evening, and it was more child and travel friendly.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/10/2025 11:03

You mention wanting a “cosy” meal - I wouldn’t think a hotel will achieve that - function rooms can often feel quite stark.

It does seem like almost a wedding vibe and the sort of thing you either pay for entirely or don’t do. Or where you at least pay for the food and some of the drink, and perhaps others pay for further drinks.

I would find a not too expensive restaurant and book a big table there - somewhere genuinely cosy with tasty but not too expensive food. Maybe a smaller number of guests. Then you might be able to pay for it all, or people wouldn’t mind paying for their food if it’s not expensive.

dottiedodah · 29/10/2025 11:01

I dont think thats the done thing really No.Can you not just book a table in a nice pub somewhere? They may very well pay themselves anyway.but thats different than an expensive lunch somewhere .Also in the middle of the day, how early would you expect people to turn up if they are driving.

Needspaceforlego · 29/10/2025 10:59

I don't think the date is the issue, the issue is asking couples to cough up £100 plus for lunch at an already expensive time of year.

Op why not do proper party, buffet, dj and dance the night away

Winter2020 · 29/10/2025 10:59

EstherGreenwood63 · 29/10/2025 10:56

OP Do ignore the, ahem, "goaders". This place is rife. I totally get where you're coming from. A once in a lifetime celebration on your actual birthday is NOT too much to want/ask. I hope you have a wonderful day whatever you do. 💐

Unless your friends and family would normally spend £70 plus each on you (meal plus more expenses) £140 from a couple then it evidently is too much to ask.

surreygirly · 29/10/2025 10:58

birthdayquandary · 28/10/2025 23:31

Ok, yes - that is one idea. But I still need to do something on the actual day so that I don't feel sad/ depressed/ deflated (which is usually the case)

Show quote history

OMG
It is a birthday - it is really not a massive deal to anyone else

ScaryM0nster · 29/10/2025 10:57

Ignoring the cost bit, I’m not sure a hotel private room type booking will really fulfil that long lazy cosy lunch vibe you’re looking for.

If you think of similar events you’ve been to, they’ve generally got a far more formal event / hospitality type vibe. Seated meals are pretty rubbish for chilled chat with anyone other than the three people you’re immediately adjacent / opposite on straight tables, and those either side on large round tables.

Is there a chilled pub in a suitable area? Somewhere you could take over an area of, with some decorations, cake, buffet that you provide. Buy your own drinks type vibe. That’s often better suited to chilled cosy chat than served meals are.

Or, humour me for a minute. Look at where is used for wakes. They generally have that daytime, chilled chat vibe and mingling. Far more than the meal bit of weddings (if you use the two settings as a comparison point). Theyre also often much better price points. Golf clubs often work well.