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Original poster

Asking guests to pay £50 for a birthday lunch?

558 replies

birthdayquandary · 28/10/2025 22:51

I'm trying to decide if this WBU... I've namechanged as it may be outing.

I have a big birthday coming up. It is at a crap/ difficult time of year which means historically I've very rarely celebrated on the day with friends. This coming birthday it happens to be on a Saturday and I'd like to celebrate it. However, given crap time of year obvious things like hosting a party at home/ in the garden or even an evening party aren't an option.

What I'd like to do is 'host' a big lunch (up to 40ish people) in a private room at a nice hotel that does great food. Then people who want to stay over can and those who don't have time to get home (my friends live in various locations, all within about an hour of where I'm hoping to have party). I love a big, cosy lunch with friends and this is how I'd love to celebrate my birthday. However, I can't afford to pay for the whole thing. It's looking like it'd be at least £50ph for food, plus drinks and possibly a 'room charge'. I can cover some of the cost, but not all of it. Would IBU to ask people to pay £50ph to cover their food, and then I cover the booze, service charge, room charge, etc?

The only friends who've hosted big meals like this for birthdays have been able to afford to pay for the whole thing. Everyone else I know who has held a party has done an evening thing at home or out in a bar (where they either have or haven't covered all or some of the cost). I can't host the lunch at home because I don't have enough space, and also don't want to be cooking or cleaning up on my birthday.

What do you think? Is it gauche (or plain cheeky) to ask people to stump up £50 (or thereabouts)? I think it probably is, but given the particularly crap date of my birthday a lunch thing is really the only option...

OP posts:
Onceuponatimeinalandfaraway · 28/10/2025 23:25

I mean “I'm having a birthday dinner in x pub if anyone would like to join us” is one thing, I’d expect to pay for my food and drink.

“I’m having a party in a private function room and your invited” is expect to pay for my own drinks at the bar but I’d expect food to be free to me. Especially if it’s a typical catering buffet.

Kittlewittle · 28/10/2025 23:24

BreadstickBurglar · 28/10/2025 23:22

a few ideas:

  • hire a cute village hall and have an outside caterer do lunch, I bet you could get something lovely for that price esp in the off season for weddings.
  • nice room above a pub, do Sunday lunch the next day? I think most people would expect to pay for themselves in that context - I would
  • drinks Friday night and small lunch on with close friends and family on the day

Agreed with this. All the above is possible, even in a market town.

Pistolpunk · 28/10/2025 23:24

I wouldn't be contributing but I rarely attend birthday parties of adults and dont do anything on my own birthday unless relaxing with a movie and nice food counts 😂 birthdays are not a big deal to me at all apart from my youngest ds and adult dc.

CarmelaBrunella · 28/10/2025 23:24

My sister's birthday is the 27th December and she's always had this problem. In the past she's just had a summer party in June or July. It's always worked.

BreadstickBurglar · 28/10/2025 23:22

a few ideas:

  • hire a cute village hall and have an outside caterer do lunch, I bet you could get something lovely for that price esp in the off season for weddings.
  • nice room above a pub, do Sunday lunch the next day? I think most people would expect to pay for themselves in that context - I would
  • drinks Friday night and small lunch on with close friends and family on the day
CarmelaBrunella · 28/10/2025 23:22

It's not going to be cozy or lazy at a venue with 40 people?

ScreentimeInTheMeantime · 28/10/2025 23:21

Oh wondering if I should be mortified - for a big birthday I organised a “do”. We asked people to pay for their meals and it was a set menu, but we paid for all the wine and drinks all night, and hired a band/DJ. I thought it was a nice thing to do i.e. buying lots of drinks (people drank A LOT) but reading here it seems like people think it’s tight not to buy everyone’s dinners, too!

alcoholicsupport · 28/10/2025 23:21

Why do you need to have it on the date? I would always just celebrate my birthday and most convenient date as my husband and I work shift work so often one of on nights and birthdays.

you could celebrate it a week later and just have it in your house with drinks and nibbles

halfandhalfchipsandrice · 28/10/2025 23:20

Don't be ridiculous. You don't invite anyone to a party and expect them to pay. That's on you. How bad mannered!

Original poster
birthdayquandary · 28/10/2025 23:19

CopperWhite · 28/10/2025 23:11

Where do you live that an evening party is impossible because of the time of year?

I don’t think you can ask friends to pay that much for your choices. Their costs would likely come to a lot more than £50, especially if they want to choose what they drink. If you can’t afford to pay for the lunch, it’s unlikely you’ll be able to afford the free bar.

I live outside a semi-rural market town. 50% of guests live locally, 50% live in a large city about 1.25hrs away by train or car. Place I was planning to have party would require a car (or train then taxi). Trains anyway won't be running or if they are, city folks would need to leave at about 9pm to get last train back.

Also, given the particularly shit date no one will want to go out in the evening. Believe me, they really won't. I know this because I never do either.

Hence, lunch.

Also, a long, lazy cosy lunch with friends is just my favourite thing. Much more so than an evening thing.

OP posts:
CarmelaBrunella · 28/10/2025 23:18

People can go out in the evening and travel an hour?
However, it sounds like the budget is the problem. Although £1.5k surely could pay for something nice?

FenceBooksCycle · 28/10/2025 23:18

No sorry. Getting people to pay for their own meal is just about acceptable when you are between 21 and 25 and no one expects you to be able to host. Once you are celebrating grownup landmark birthdays its really rude to invite people to pay to attend your party.

Have the party you can afford. Either have it at home and do all the cooking yourself, or book a private room at a pub and lay on a cheaper buffet, and invite the number of people you can afford to feed. Or save up and postpone the celebration until you can afford it an host a "pack of cards" party at 52 or a "Beatles" party when you're 64.

JDM625 · 28/10/2025 23:17

YABU!

Is it a pub? £50 per head is steep IMO for a luncheon meal which doesn't even include any drinks. You need to cut your cloth to fit OP!

Hayley1256 · 28/10/2025 23:16

What budget have you got? You could hire a village hall or a function room in a pub (often free if you pay .for a buffet), sorry out some easy food or let the pub do it and then just have some music on

Iwantsandybeachesandgoodfood · 28/10/2025 23:16

In my world it’s very normal to pay for your own lunch/dinner for someone’s birthday. In fact the only time the person whose birthday it is has paid for all the food is if we’ve done something at home. But we don’t all earn £100k+ so would never celebrate anyone’s birthday if we waited till we could afford to pay for everyone’s.

suki1964 · 28/10/2025 23:16

Guest and paying just doesn't work

Guest - the host pays

Inviting people to a piss up - but hey you need to pay? That's ok in my mind of its a casual do

Original poster
birthdayquandary · 28/10/2025 23:15

No, it's ok. I get it - I agree with you all.

But there isn't really an alternative that will work given the logistics of location and difficult date, that is something I actually want to do.

I think I can cover about £1.5k...

OP posts:
notthisagain2025 · 28/10/2025 23:12

Yes, it's both cheeky and gauche.

If you want to avoid being cheeky and gauche have the party you can afford.

If you feel you can tolerate the embarassment, go ahead and ask. Some people will definitely talk about you behind your back about it, but if you're fine with that, of for it.

Original poster
birthdayquandary · 28/10/2025 23:12

TokyoSushi · 28/10/2025 23:04

No! If you can’t really afford to do it, don’t do it.

If you’re inviting couples, that’s £100 before drinks in the run up to Christmas which unless your friends have plenty of money, is too much.

it's not the run up to Xmas

OP posts:
CopperWhite · 28/10/2025 23:11

Where do you live that an evening party is impossible because of the time of year?

I don’t think you can ask friends to pay that much for your choices. Their costs would likely come to a lot more than £50, especially if they want to choose what they drink. If you can’t afford to pay for the lunch, it’s unlikely you’ll be able to afford the free bar.

Original poster
birthdayquandary · 28/10/2025 23:11

Ok, yes - fair enough. I think I agree with you all.

It's a tricky one - it really is. And I genuinely have never had a big birthday party on my birthday because of the shit day of the year it's on. This year it happens to be on a Saturday (still a shit date), so it felt possible. I actually hate my birthday because of the day it's on. I inevitably feel sad because it's always an afterthought (often even for me).

Can't be a dinner/ evening thing because lots of friends live an hour or so away, more on public transport (that anyway isn't really feasible given location and also probably won't be running on that date, usually closed for engineering works, etc).

Hey ho... I just really wanted to have a 'big bash' this one time :( But you're right - I can't afford it...

OP posts:
Travelfairy · 28/10/2025 23:11

Can you do finger food at the same venue instead of a sit down lunch? Or just have fewer people. I wouldn't ever ask people to pay, I dont think many people would. People will find it rude I would imagine

CurlewKate · 28/10/2025 23:11

I would wait til the summer and have a garden party/picnic.

Kittlewittle · 28/10/2025 23:10

Why not host a party you can afford? You clearly have some budget, if you are talking about covering drinks and the 'room charge'.

You could hire a hall, but alcohol, and order a takeaway to feed people. Or even hire someone to cater, which is going to be a lot less than £50 per head.

If you are going to ask people to pay, then you need to choose something a lot cheaper than what you are planning. Maybe something more informal, like to join you in a pub, and people pay for their own meals.

HillOf · 28/10/2025 23:09

Hardhats · 28/10/2025 23:08

As an alternative why don’t you tell people here what your budget is, as they might have suggestions on how to have a special celebration within budget?

This.