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Original poster

Asking guests to pay £50 for a birthday lunch?

558 replies

birthdayquandary · 28/10/2025 22:51

I'm trying to decide if this WBU... I've namechanged as it may be outing.

I have a big birthday coming up. It is at a crap/ difficult time of year which means historically I've very rarely celebrated on the day with friends. This coming birthday it happens to be on a Saturday and I'd like to celebrate it. However, given crap time of year obvious things like hosting a party at home/ in the garden or even an evening party aren't an option.

What I'd like to do is 'host' a big lunch (up to 40ish people) in a private room at a nice hotel that does great food. Then people who want to stay over can and those who don't have time to get home (my friends live in various locations, all within about an hour of where I'm hoping to have party). I love a big, cosy lunch with friends and this is how I'd love to celebrate my birthday. However, I can't afford to pay for the whole thing. It's looking like it'd be at least £50ph for food, plus drinks and possibly a 'room charge'. I can cover some of the cost, but not all of it. Would IBU to ask people to pay £50ph to cover their food, and then I cover the booze, service charge, room charge, etc?

The only friends who've hosted big meals like this for birthdays have been able to afford to pay for the whole thing. Everyone else I know who has held a party has done an evening thing at home or out in a bar (where they either have or haven't covered all or some of the cost). I can't host the lunch at home because I don't have enough space, and also don't want to be cooking or cleaning up on my birthday.

What do you think? Is it gauche (or plain cheeky) to ask people to stump up £50 (or thereabouts)? I think it probably is, but given the particularly crap date of my birthday a lunch thing is really the only option...

OP posts:
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Wingingit73 · 17/07/2026 15:57

You're not hosting anything if they're paying. Why dont you just go somewhere for a meal where everyone just pays for themselves. You can't ask them to pay for your party

Longtimelurker1980 · 17/07/2026 15:31

birthdayquandary · 28/10/2025 22:51

I'm trying to decide if this WBU... I've namechanged as it may be outing.

I have a big birthday coming up. It is at a crap/ difficult time of year which means historically I've very rarely celebrated on the day with friends. This coming birthday it happens to be on a Saturday and I'd like to celebrate it. However, given crap time of year obvious things like hosting a party at home/ in the garden or even an evening party aren't an option.

What I'd like to do is 'host' a big lunch (up to 40ish people) in a private room at a nice hotel that does great food. Then people who want to stay over can and those who don't have time to get home (my friends live in various locations, all within about an hour of where I'm hoping to have party). I love a big, cosy lunch with friends and this is how I'd love to celebrate my birthday. However, I can't afford to pay for the whole thing. It's looking like it'd be at least £50ph for food, plus drinks and possibly a 'room charge'. I can cover some of the cost, but not all of it. Would IBU to ask people to pay £50ph to cover their food, and then I cover the booze, service charge, room charge, etc?

The only friends who've hosted big meals like this for birthdays have been able to afford to pay for the whole thing. Everyone else I know who has held a party has done an evening thing at home or out in a bar (where they either have or haven't covered all or some of the cost). I can't host the lunch at home because I don't have enough space, and also don't want to be cooking or cleaning up on my birthday.

What do you think? Is it gauche (or plain cheeky) to ask people to stump up £50 (or thereabouts)? I think it probably is, but given the particularly crap date of my birthday a lunch thing is really the only option...

I know it’s off topic but I’m wracking my brain to think of what day that isn’t around Christmas that would present so much difficulty. Not valentines - altho who cares anyway. Easter? We are largely secular now so seems unlikely. Halloween/guy fawkes - only kids care so no issue. Not sure there are any other eventful days I can think of in the UK calendar? Unless you aren’t uk? Honestly op please put me out of my misery??

TheKindnessProject · 17/07/2026 15:14

I have about five friends that I'd invite to a meal, and I'm starting to feel rather pleased with this. My introversion is well matched to my pocket! Grin

tilypu · 17/07/2026 10:58

Given that op asked this back in Oct 25, advice today is probably a smidgeon too late.

Loulou4022 · 17/07/2026 08:20

I think asking people to pay £50 a head isn’t on! If you want people to pay for their own meals then you need to go to a regular restaurant where people can choose their own meal/ cost. If you’re set on the £50 per head place then you need to pay! I saved for 12 months for my husbands 50th birthday party and parents 50th wedding anniversary.

Northernlights73 · 17/07/2026 06:48

"Everyone else I know who has held a party has done an evening thing at home or out in a bar I can't host the lunch at home because I don't have enough space, and also don't want to be cooking or cleaning up on my birthday."

Think of all the parties you attended at someone's home, free for you to attend AND they cleared up. How lazy to say YOU don't want to clean up on your birthday. Or did you stay till all the guests had left and help your birthday friend stack the dishwasher? I have friends like you that say things like that while we host alot and they attend, yet only host small things for a few women (who bring a plate/wine). They aren't the most liked of the group!

Wadsworthy · 17/07/2026 05:50

It feels very mean @birthdayquandary

Basically, you can't afford it. Throw a party where you can get away with serving cheap wine & crisps.

ShetlandishMum · 17/07/2026 02:19

Cost of living 2026...
£50 is a lot. £100 for a couple. Any families?
No. We wouldn't join.

Bowies · 17/07/2026 02:14

Paying for own lunch ok - but being expected to pay £50 a head is too much. Find somewhere cheap(er) and cheerful to celebrate.

Uptightmumma · 04/01/2026 05:41

I had a big birthday last year - also January. We went to a ticketed event. I just messaged who I wanted to invite and said I want to do this for my birthday tickets are £30 be made if you can make it. 18 out of the 20 people came xxx

DecemberGloom · 04/01/2026 05:26

40 guests is not a ‘cosy lunch’.

Scale it back and invite those you can pay for in full.

TesChique · 04/01/2026 05:12

If youre asking people to pay then youre not "hosting" anything.

Stickytoffeetartt · 04/01/2026 05:01

Too cheeky. Could you get a loan out to pay for it and ask for cash as a gift? Still a bit cheeky but that way nobody is under any pressure to pay an amount that is out of their means.

PollyBell · 04/01/2026 01:48

LucyLoo1972 · 04/01/2026 01:42

Why can’t you jsit say what the date is? The only thing that would maybe be worse than this is either Christmas Day or Nee years Eve

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PollyBell · 04/01/2026 01:48

LucyLoo1972 · 04/01/2026 01:42

Why can’t you jsit say what the date is? The only thing that would maybe be worse than this is either Christmas Day or Nee years Eve

Show quote history

Duplicate

PollyBell · 04/01/2026 01:48

LucyLoo1972 · 04/01/2026 01:42

Why can’t you jsit say what the date is? The only thing that would maybe be worse than this is either Christmas Day or Nee years Eve

Show quote history

Duplicate

PollyBell · 04/01/2026 01:48

LucyLoo1972 · 04/01/2026 01:42

Why can’t you jsit say what the date is? The only thing that would maybe be worse than this is either Christmas Day or Nee years Eve

Show quote history

I dont see why the date makes a difference on the amount, it is either ok or not

PollyBell · 04/01/2026 01:46

I will never hold an event where I cant pay for everyone so simplify it or invite less people, if a whole group all decide to pay whatever amount that is up to them but no I would never ask anyone to pay it myself

LucyLoo1972 · 04/01/2026 01:42

birthdayquandary · 28/10/2025 23:33

It is not valentines day!

Why can’t you jsit say what the date is? The only thing that would maybe be worse than this is either Christmas Day or Nee years Eve

croydon15 · 30/10/2025 21:01

Cailech · 28/10/2025 22:59

It’s not something I’d ever consider doing and it’s being a CF, but that’s just my opinion. Have a smaller celebration.

This don't invite 40 people if you can't afford it.

TowerRavenSeven · 30/10/2025 19:56

I wouldn’t be excited to go to this at all.

LHP118 · 30/10/2025 19:53

I'd always only host what I can afford. ATM, that would be a handful of close friends and family at home with a buffet-style meal. Not expect guests to pay for anything.

Chinsupmeloves · 30/10/2025 19:22

A hosted party in a function room isn't what a guest would expect to pay for. A friend had a big party and asked everyone to bring a food contribution, that was fine. Something to consider? It doesn't need to be anywhere expensive, just a venue with a dj or whatever. Xx

Needspaceforlego · 30/10/2025 08:03

ScaryM0nster · 29/10/2025 13:05

Another thought - if you’ve got disparate groups of friends, is it going to work doing something with them all joined up?

You know your friends. It might. But worth sense checking. Otherwise, a smaller guest list party might work better.

See that crossed my mind too.
Different groups at different tables. Its a sit down meal not easy for Op to actually mingle.
Would anyone pay £50 to essentially make up numbers in the room?
And even if they did they'd be pretty peeved if they hardly actually spoke to the 'host'

It would be better as a buffet & dj type party everyone dancing. And time to mingle.

Theroadt · 30/10/2025 07:14

XiCi · 29/10/2025 07:33

I agree. OP I think you're getting the replies you have because of how you've worded it. You are not 'hosting' lunch or throwing a party. You are basically saying to your friends 'are you free to come for a meal on my birthday '. I've been to hundreds of birthday meals, lunches and dinners, where Ive paid for myself, especially when there has been a big group. I don't expect anyone to pay for my meal in those circumstances. I've been to restaurants where the host has paid but that situation is much less common. A birthday party however I would definitely expect food to be provided by the host. It's not really clear what sort of event youre planning. Are you just meeting for lunch in a pub or restaurant?

Edited
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Yes but I suspect she’s described herself as hosting because she wants the kudos (and control over what is eaten, venue etc) without the pain of paying. That really could be a metaphor for our whole culture at the moment - “please give me the gain but don’t expect me to invest the pain”.