To feel that not everyone is capable of “more”

YANBU. Your friends is not really a friend and people should be able to talk about money with good friends and close family without that level of crap thrown at them. Unless you live with disabilities or ND either for yourself or your children you haven’t really got a clue how much more difficult and expensive life is. And everyone who is disabled or ND even with the same diagnosis has different needs and ways it impacts them so you can’t really say ND people should work - it’s all very individual.

Can I just say that £17/hr is a professional wage

Since when was anything quoted hourly a "professional wage"? Usually a professional is salaried & earns an amount per annum, unless they are self employed and then their hourly rates are likely to be much higher than £17.

Eg a professional wage might be £34,000 per annum. Most professionals who are employed on a salary have no idea what it works out as per hour.

Also we have a massive massive shortage of tradespeople in this country but being a self employed tradesperson can free people from many of the obligations employers impose that they struggle with.

No uniforms. Work alone if you want to. Set your own working hours. Take gaps between jobs if you need to recover.

Im 95% sure the painter decorator i use is autistic, the gardener i think probably might be too. They don't talk much and just get on with the job but they are definitely bringing back well more than min wage.

The target doesn't have to be "employment". It has to be supporting yourself financially but there are a lot of ways to do that.

Can I just say that £17/hr is a professional wage?

Can you consider different options that might be less masking etc? The fact is that for the majority of mankinds existence there was no state support and all but the most severely disabled have had to manage to support themselves.

Cleaning work? A cleaner can work alone, stim, wear ear plugs, play music, do lots of things that might help you get through the day.

I know a lady who "runs" other people's airbnbs. She cleans, collects and puts out a basket of local produce, sorts out key handover, checks the property for repairs etc.

Dog walking?

Can you move to a cheaper area where your living costs might be lower?

I do worry about the trend towards giving children endless adjustments in school that don't bridge them towards being able to function in adulthood when in reality they will have to learn to operate in situations that make them uncomfortable, and support themselves. I can see that some adjustments are intended to help people manage but others do not seem to actually help people learn to cope with the things that they struggle with.

She’s not much of a friend, is she. Maybe you could ask her that, what actions are she undertaking to improve herself as a friend and decent person? As a friend she is Minimum Wage.

It's not a preference. We know what we are capable of, for the most part. Many ND people aren't working because it burns us out too much. I wish I could work part time, but even that burns me out and I become too unwell physically and mentally. Could I work? Yes. Would it take a huge toll on me physically and mentally to the point I want to end everything? Yes.

Good point. We don't all start from the same starting block.

Your so-called 'friend' says this and that and the other, and in doing so, she makes you feel really awful.

She is no friend.

It's time to end this friendship.

I agree that the ‘bettering yourself’ language is infuriating, and see no reason why you should beat yourself up about the wage you earn.

But I do think that working only one or two days a week is questionable. Being NT is neither here nor there. It is common to be non-NT (not a label I use for myself, because I am so old that I’ve had various diagnoses, medications etc long before it became a thing) and most non-NT people manage to work a lot more than that.

Perfectly reasonable not to want to work any more (who wants to?!), but a preference doesn’t become a right.

If rents and/or mortgages were affordable it would be fine to have 1 FTE or 2 P/T incomes. The housing system is breaking people and its such a shame.

Just because someone is in a low wage job doesn’t mean they’re somehow less and need to be better.

This idea of bettering yourself is solely about conforming to a tenet of neoliberal capitalism that you can work your way out of poverty or to riches etc but that is an unattainable lie for the majority of the population. have a read at capitalism realism by mark fisher (not a difficult or long read and quote that back at her)

Perhaps lots of people can get more wages but at what cost? Your friend doesn’t understand what it is you have to do to get through a day without even taking work into consideration. That doesn’t make you lesser in any way . It doesn’t mean you have to better yourself, better than what? Her? The king? Ask that next time…

if nobody is there to do the low paid undervalued work because they’re all (using her words) “bettering themselves” then who will wipe her arse in her dotage?

Yanbu. Lots of people are capable of more, but getting there can seem daunting. And when other stuff in life is overwhelming just keeping afloat at all is tricky. I don’t know if others genuinely find life easier or have just found ways to deal with it.

Nobody "needs" to be on minimum wage? What, there are vacancies at a higher wage for that number of people? No, there aren't. And I bet your friend would be quick enough to moan if every minimum wage job suddenly just didn't get done (because everyone had left for these better paid jobs) - nobody doing all the crappy jobs that make her life comfortable. She'd also complain if the price of everything went up because those people were being paid more. She sounds dim as well as nasty.

I'm in the same boat OP. I've tried working full time recently and burnt out. Again. I refuse to put myself through this another time - my body is telling the tale of years of high stress and trauma (due to a lifetime of caring for a sibling with severe MH diagnosis). At some point I will have to demonstrate this to the dwp/uc, God knows how, as it's only really evident when I'm full time and crash and burn. Lower my hours with wriggle room for bad days and I can cope. The thought of another ESA assessment petrifies me.

Some people are simply more able than others imo. My dp for example, has LOADS of natural energy and va va voom, is physically strong, mentally sharp, socially aware and is able to do/deal with so much more in a day than I ever am. It's just not a level playing field.

Not everyone wants more. Some people, me included, are content with a simple life, no ambition, no desire to 'better myself'. Success to me is time spent with family and friends, good health and peace of mind. I don't want more enough to stress myself out.

Your friend is talking nonsense.. She may be capable of making more sense but I doubt it.

Will your DS be able to live independently? If so, potentially, that will make it possible for you to manage more hours (maybe still part time but 3/4 days a week)? And if not, will you be eligible for carers’ allowance?

I do think that there are probably a lot of people in work that is totally unsuitable for them. A time when a lot of people stayed in the same place, and did the same work generationally, was in many ways more supportive of many people.

I know many people from my village back home who survive just living in the old parents houses and doing what the parents did - animal rearing, field work etc. Not everyone can go to a town and start from scratch working for a fancy employer

I think there will always be a good number of people on minimum wage jobs, so your friend is not correct there.

However, I suspect that what people often feel about this kind of thing, at least on an instintual level, is something like "why is it my (societies) job to fund people who are only working part time? I also have hardships and struggles, and feel burnt out, but I don't have the right diagnosis so apparently I get no support despite how overwhelmed I feel."

So it may be that is closer to an accurate description of how your friend feels - people I think don't always articulate well on issues like that.

But surely you can see how much you’ve achieved so you have definitely grown somewhere along the way. It strikes me that you are not giving yourself enormous credit for your growth along through the years.

To address your initial question everyone’s destination is different but yes I think everyone is capable of growth and I think you are a great example of that.

I agree.

I'm autistic too and how much I try I just can't work full time.

A day at work leaves me utterly exhausted after masking all day. I come home and go straight to bed. I can't even handle watching tv or having a conversation.

I am highly qualified up to Masters degree level but work part time on minimum wage.

I used to really beat myself up about being lazy, being a failure, wondering why everyone else can cope but I can't.

My diagnosis made sense for me in so many ways, but the biggest relief was that it helps to explain this part of me.

I don't claim any benefits incidentallly and am sure I wouldn't be eligible, although I have never looked into it.

I just have to accept who I am.

Luckily I have a wonderful DH.

Now I imagine most of you will think we are taking advantage of the system

Absolutely not OP. I think you're both doing as much as you possibly can, and that the system should be supporting families like yours.

Your 'friend' sounds awful.