To feel that not everyone is capable of “more”

I also think this.

OP focuses a lot on what she can’t do, and how NT people can’t possibly understand how hard it is.

And that’s fine, but also need to reflect it back the other way.

FT work is hard and draining and relentless. Add in raising a family, health challenges and everything else and it can be hell for many many people, neurotypical or not. It’s not ok to say “well you’re NT so can handle it, it would be too much for me” because that’s not giving the space to acknowledge that actually sometimes NT people feel like they can’t handle it either, but for many there is no other option.

Yes, exactly.

I get so fed up of posts from people saying “well I struggle with that too and I’m not autistic” - great, but I don’t struggle, I literally cannot function.

I imagine that’s exactly what the diagnostic criteria are designed to pick up on. When someone is assessed for autism or ADHD, a big part of what’s being looked at is functional impact, meaning whether the traits actually cause significant difficulty in daily life.

So the people who are able to “feel like that and just put up with it” probably wouldn’t meet the threshold for diagnosis, whereas those who genuinely can’t sustain it without burning out do.

There’s research backing that up. Around one in a hundred people in the UK are autistic, yet autistic adults have an employment rate of only about 30 per cent. For comparison, the rate for non-disabled adults is around 80 per cent. Adults with ADHD also report much higher levels of job burnout than those without, and around 30 to 40 per cent of neurodivergent adults overall are unemployed, which is roughly eight times the rate for non-disabled people. More than half of neurodivergent employees say they’ve had to take time off because of stress or burnout linked to their neurodivergence.

So while lots of neurotypical people feel exhausted by work, for many neurodivergent people that exhaustion crosses the line into real functional impairment, and that’s exactly what those assessments are meant to identify.

As someone with autism, when I say I’m burnt out, I don’t mean that I feel horrendous. I mean that I literally cannot function. I have been so burnt out before that I can’t wear coats with zips or trousers with buttons because I literally can no longer figure out how to do them up.

I get skill regression, I go mute and can no longer communicate. I can’t go to a shop or sit in a car as I get so overwhelmed I am literally sick.

Caring for a child with autism is a job in itself, so I don't blame you at all for wanting to keep your stress levels to a minimum.

In more general terms though (and ignoring neurodivergence) comfort zones only grow through biting off a bit more than you can chew. I started a small business on top of my part time job recently and I felt so sick and anxious with stress and pressure a few weeks ago. But I found ways to manage that stress and focused on getting decent sleep, and putting in place good new routines and now it just feels normal to me to be doing two part time jobs. I don't have that anxiety anymore. I feel accomplished and happy with what I've done. Sitting with the anxiety and finding ways to manage it is the key. I believe many people are capable of more than they do but it is that fear of feeling discomfort / anxiety that keeps people stuck where they are sometimes.

I think this is an important point, OP.

the only thing I wonder is that you say you’re burnt out if you work more than 1 or 2 days a week and that it’s different for NT people, but how do you know its different for them?

I work full time and feel horrendous most of the time, exhausted, stressed etc. So maybe we all feel like that and just put up with it.

Not trying to be provocative btw, just not sure how anyone can say how it’s different as nobody knows what it feels like to be both NT and ND

YANBU

I'm also autistic and have 2 dc, one of whom is AutDHD. I'm a single parent and share residency 50/50 with their dad, and I work 18 hours a week.

Years ago I pushed myself to work more hours and stop relying on benefits because I had it in my head that I just needed to "try harder". I'd not long been diagnosed and hadn't really accepted that I wasn't going to "get better" one day.
Predictably, I burnt out and had a breakdown, which resulted in a suicide attempt.

Your friend is ignorant and lacking in empathy. Some people have very real limitations and need to work within them to stay healthy and functional for themselves and for their families.

I’m with you OP. I’m diagnosed autistic and can’t cope with full time work. Every single time I’ve tried, I burn out, end up on medication and have issues with skill regression, anxiety attacks and shutdowns.

I am very, very grateful for my husband who can work full-time and help support me financially.

This is always my issue with this argument. If everyone were to suddenly become CEO’s or managers or enter these high flying £150k a year career’s- even if for arguments sake we say that’s possible and that there are enough of those jobs for it to happen- where will all of those people suddenly go to buy their food shopping, when there’s nobody working in Asda to stock the shelves? Where will all of those people go to socialise, eat, drink, spend their piles of cash, because all the NMW working staff in pubs/restaurants/bowling alley’s etc are now gone? Who’s cleaning the offices these people work in, because the cleaner’s are gone? If those people have a couple of kids, where will they go, because all the NMW working nursery staff have disappeared into their own high flying careers?

Someone has to do the NMW jobs to keep things running, and there are lots of reasons people choose to work those jobs, not everyone wants to or is capable of doing every single job.

Your friend doesn’t sound like a friend to me, she sounds very judgemental. And I’m not NT but my sister is and with a host of other issues (anxiety, depression, PTSD…and a narcissist ex husband) and she really really struggles with modern life. She’s curt early not working and I worry how she will cope financially when the children are older.

As someone who has always worked and has no underlying issues, I used to struggle with this but I’m now understanding just how difficult everyday things are for her. Not sure what the answer is OP, but I’d ditch the friend.

I agree with you, OP. Diagnosed ADHD. I was working full-time in a fairly stressful professional job until children, Covid and lockdown came along and, although I was holding it together ok, I was not thriving and the three of those together essentially drove a wrecking-ball through my life and sanity and I was left so stressed out that I had to quit.

My OH works full-time in a well-paid stressful job with very long hours. He manages because he doesn't have responsibility for anything at home. He does some stuff, but he is not in charge of stuff - big difference. He just about manages to cope, but wouldn't if more was added to his plate. He is at full capacity and often over capacity.

I now work very part-time at something not particularly stressful where I can mostly manage my workload. I find that this, and balancing caring for two children, and doing most of the house/admin/chores, is very much enough for me. I'd like to develop what I'm doing work-wise a bit more, but will wait until the kids are a bit older and sleeping properly. I also feel at capacity and sometimes over capacity.

I can understand feeling bitter if you're constantly over capacity and so feeling like you're failing everyone (kids, job, yourself) but there's no option financially/practically but to keep going, and you see others who appear to have more options. I would not judge - I've been there and felt that. We're lucky to have some options now.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a job which pays National Minimum Wage. However, you and your DH need to be able to support yourselves financially, so you need to work out how you can manage that.

I tend to find that people who have that attitude towards minimum wage workers are massive hypocrites, they'll wax lyrical about it while sipping a coffee made by a minimum wage barista, after filling their car up in a petrol station staffed by minimum wage staff, pop in and see an elderly relative in a care home looked after by minimum wage staff, and go to the supermarket for their weekly shop on the way home and get served by minimum wage staff there, go to work the next day and rely on minimum wage staff so they can do their job well enough to get paid.......... and likely complain about the prices and talk about value for money, service levels etc, but don't think anyone should be in a minimum wage job at the same time.
The only way these services people use every day are being delivered is through the work of people paid minimum wage, the alternative is these services cease or she pays more for them - which option would she prefer?

Due to past trauma, anxiety, low self esteem, abuse I am not the most confident of people, I can’t bare being out of my comfort zone to the point I’ll have anxiety attacks.

It sounds like there are lots of other issues holding you back which aren’t to do with your ND at all. I’m not sure what you’ve already tried, but it’s worth seeking therapy to address those issues and give you some robust strategies for dealing with them. That would make you feel happier, more independent and able to rely on yourself.

Therapists who are used to working with ND people and ND charities may be best placed to help, but your difficulties working may have a lot more to do with your trauma/self esteem/abuse than to do with your ND. These experiences can be really devastating, and have a huge effect on your ability to pursue what you feel is a NT life.

its a shame people have forgotten so quickly who the ‘essential workers’ were in Covid. Plenty were min wage or lower paid people, yet they are so important for society to function. Your friend is short sighted on that one.

On the burn out issue it’s hard, I think we need something like an ND careers service to allow people to try new roles. We are already an ageing society with fewer workers and if the rise in ND diagnosis continues to reduce FT workers per capita we could be in further trouble collectively.

It’s already scandalous how few autistic people work, I think it’s a lot to do with prejudice and lack of accommodations that makes workplaces too pressured. Agree with PPs on the need for high autonomy, flexible roles.

Your friend is an idiot and I'm not sure that you need people in your life who are so toxic towards you.

Your friend is chatting out her are. FWIW it doesn’t sound like you’ll have a shitty future.

Slightly different interpretation from your friend, but I’d say there are many forms of self-improvement that don’t involve earning more. There are also many successes of that sort. A long and stable marriage is something you can point to as the fruit of both of you working together as a team.

Manual work should not be viewed as less valuable than other types of work. There is dignity in work and your husband has a king and stable track record of that, which is worth being proud of. I don’t really feel I can comment on your situation. Two days is not much and when you no longer receive financial support for your son (child benefit, child tax credits, DLA, carer’s allowance?) you may well have to increase your work load to three days a week to make up the short fall. That seems reasonable. The current system is breaking under the strain of demand.

The problem isn't people being on minimum wage? We very much need those jobs! And someone will slways be on minimum wage. The problem is the cost of living, specifically food and accommodation. People on minimum wage should be able to live decently.
I also think the problem is wage disparity.

i have adhd and I get it. All my life I could only work part time and after work i would just come home and crash out. I am currently working full time but it is remote with one day in the office. Maybe something like that could work for you as well? I do understand you though it's very hard!

If you are a bank nurse or supply teacher you really do know your hourly wage and it's less than £17/hour.

That's the point I was making, £17/hour is not NMW or even near. It's the sort of money some people have been to uni, gained specialist skills and experience and pay registration and cpd for.

Your friend sounds a bit thick.

You on the other hand have expressed yourself very well, and seem to have a high degree of self awareness.

I would just take this as a sign that you should be more careful who you confide in. 💐

She's jealous because she dislikes working full-time.

She's resentful you get given cash and she has to work for it.

It's not 'better' to be a manager at Tesco than to raise a child with additional needs.
It's not 'better' to be a human rights lawyer than raise a child with additional needs.

The world is made up of many people and many situations.

Even if you were doing something somehow morally wrong, and people will say you are, who is it that you need to do the right thing by? Is it Sarah who busts her ass at Tesco 6 days a week?

Or is it your son and your family?

Two things:
One, if the money you both earn is enough for you to pay your way - don't worry about it. (Taking DS out of the equation.)
Two, your DS may be finished with school and at 18 will be entering a different type of support. But most likely he will still be with you and you will still be his carer....
Take your time and investigate now what reduced help is available post 18.