To feel that not everyone is capable of “more”

Thank you. I'm fully recovered now, but only because I've found a balance of working 16 hours a week and claiming benefits to live. I'd probably be able to work more if I didn't have a family to look after, but I do, so that's that.

I'm sorry you've experienced similar. I really hope you eventually find your balance x

I'm also the parent of an autistic child while being autistic myself. She will never truly understand because she isn't the autistic one. She can try to understand, but unless she becomes the autistic child, she won't ever fully understand. Just how I'm autistic, but I don't truly understand how my autistic son feels because we're different people.

What a bloody outrageous thing to say to the parent of an autistic child. Obnoxious.

I’ve just done a bit of googling and the National Literacy Trust states that 18% of adults are “functionally illiterate”. This means that they can only accurately read short, straightforward texts on familiar subjects. How do you get a job paying over NMW with that level of literacy?

Retail, hospitality and care jobs are predominantly NMW. They all need doing, so if people doing those jobs move on to something paying above NMW who will do those jobs?

Exactly. I’m happy to talk about it on here but because I present as “normal” in real life everyone assumes I’m just lazy.

I’m so sorry you experienced that @FatCatPyjamas - I’ve been through something very similar and still haven’t truly recovered.

That embarrassment, or shame, really, was the reason I pushed myself too hard to function the way people are expected to function and ended up with a complete mental breakdown and suicide attempt. My DC don't know the extent of my burnout, but me being so unwell obviously had an effect on them. People who say "we're all struggling, but we have no choice but to get on with it" have no idea how catastrophic ND burnout can be.

I know how you feel r.e. the embarrassment. I'll openly talk about it online (well, only on Mumsnet) because it's anonymous. I won't talk about it in real life because it's something I'm genuinely ashamed of. People just don't understand

It's great that you're in the position to be able to manage without benefits. Your autistic child will be an autistic adults one day, and may have to claim for themselves, though.

Exactly.

PP has no idea what burnout is because a) she’s never experienced it and b) her child is a child, not an adult who is facing the demands of the real world while also living with an autism diagnosis.

I would love to work full-time and IRL I actually find it incredibly embarrassing that I can’t. It’s something I’m working on in therapy at the moment.

What annoys me about "I have an autistic child" is it's similar to "I can't be homophobic because I have gay friends/a gay family member" or similar things

Exactly. I can’t work full-time. Every single time I’ve tried, I’ve burnt out, ended up on medication and suffering with skill regression that takes months if not years to recover from.

I’m very fortunate to be able to run my own business and manage it with part-time hours but that’s only because my DH and my parents can help support me - if not I would have no choice but to claim benefits.

If you have an autistic child, maybe you should learn to have a bit of empathy for those who have no choice but to claim benefits.

Generally good advice.

"and no one needs to be on minimum wage and should push themselves to do better."

Who does she think is going to be caring for her parents whilst she is doing her highly paid job.

I don't think you are aware of what autistic burnout is if you don't know the difference between a NT person going through stress, and a ND person going through stress. Generally, thresholds for NT people going through stress are quite high.

For ND people to go through stress, literally one thing could go wrong or overwhelm us and that's it. We're completely wiped out for days/weeks/months. It's not just stress for us, or a mental breakdown that lasts for a year. I was burnt out for all of my secondary school life, college life and working life. I can now no longer work because of the position it puts me in to do so.

I’m well aware of what autistic burnout it thanks. I have an autistic child. We don’t claim benefits for them. We don’t want to.

Yep, very few people understand autistic burnout. It’s not feeling tired or being snappy or stressed, or maybe crying a bit more than normal.

It’s not being able to do basic self care. You lose basic life skills, you go mute, you have shutdowns.

Again, that’s not what autistic burnout means.

When I am burnt out, I can’t tie my laces or do up a zip on my coat. I can’t walk round a supermarket or go to a shop because the sensory overload is too much. I often can’t even answer basic questions because I just go completely mute.

I’d agree with this. I usually cannot walk in a straight line at work as I am so exhausted. I go to bed at 8pm after the kids. I work full time. That’s life. It’s shit but that life.

You don’t have to work full time if you can afford not to, but I don’t think people should be funded to work part time just because find full time overwhelming. We all do.

NT people burn out too. But the same support structures are in place for them as autistic people.

My nt husband had a total breakdown. The GP referred him for counselling, gave him setraline and signed him off work for 9 months In the end. He then had occupational health create a phased return Which lasted 3 months and he hot all the annual leave he accrued of sick to take across the next year. If i hadn't earned so much, he'd have accessed universal credit.

I assume if he met the criteria he might have claimed pip, but he didnt meet the criteria, just like many autistic people dont. There's no special treatmentm

We can also all decide to not work full time if our child has dla and we are eligible for carers. This isnt reserved for autistic people.

I have a few years until retirement. It will be a pretty frugal one due to choices I have made. I say choices but I realise I am ND but not diagnosed and unlikely ever to be. My own children/ menopause etc brought me to a gradual realisation.
I beat myself up less for my 'career' of low paid but worthwhile jobs. I am who I am. Compared to my peers/ family I have massively underperformed in life. The older I get the more I accept that as someone without diagnosis or appropriate support this is not unexpected.
If I could go back in time and be more understanding of my quirks maybe life would have been different. But here we are...
You need to decide if where you are at is 'right' for you or if you want change.
As for your friend...she just doesn't get it...

There seems to be a lack of understanding about what autistic burn-out is, similar to the misconception that if a wheelchair user can walk a little on a good day, she can do so whenever she wants/needs to.

I think it’s people feeling aggrieved because they feel unsupported and that they’re paying too much tax and too much for necessities, looking at people disabled by autism or adhd and not believing their ‘can’t’s aren’t ’don’t want to’s - when many don’t want to.

My theory is that we need life to be more affordable (council housing to bring rents down) and jobs need to be non traumatising (outlaw bullying and similar bad behaviours at work). And adjust our thinking so it’s not the end of the world if you have to wait for something.

Let her think whatever she wants, and forget about her. She doesn't sound much of a friend to be honest. You know you are doing your best. In the future a job you might never have considered/ heard of may present itself to you and you can decide then if that's a step forward you want to take.