To not want to take my kids to other people’s houses?

It's a phase, it won't last long, invite them to yours every 6 months or so for the next 3 years, then it will be fine again.

Yes, nothing worse than people outstaying their welcome! I try to invent reasons s ahead of time but once day is agreed “my mother will be coming around at x (cough, shuffle) that will give us long enough won’t it?” !!

Fully agree, at that age better that people come to your house. It’s just too hard otherwise and people forget just how difficult it is, and how childproof a house needs to be.

Yanbu

Total waste of time and effort

That's nice

I see this was a few days ago but just wanted to add that I have a similar gap between my 2 and taking them anywhere that wasn't child ready was horrendous and I heavily limited it for a few years, they are older now and we can go most places again.
We would do coffee instead of meals with my Nan or take her to my parents for a meal as my parents made sure their house was child proofed from the first grandchild because they love hosting everyone and wanted it to be safe and less stressful.
I think it's a bit rubbish your family didnt help. If you do try this again could you set expectations before like if this happens can we do this. I had to take a playpen I got off marketplace to my in-laws as it wasn't child safe at all there and we were expected to stay every other weekend (2 hour drive) which was a nightmare when I went along with it. I used to give my kids little toys in the highchair to sit longer but that was hit or miss. Just do what works for you.

It sounds a perfectly reasonable decision, but parenting seems so isolating these days. Children need to be able to exist among others. It's good for them and their parents to not be cooped up inside hiding from company.

Get your family to come and visit you, a lot easier for your DC.

Just to add, something on the table to engage them might help. A pop up book or a small toy, something that you know will engross them?

If they're really wriggling around then of course one of you has to get up from the table to entertain and distract them. The most important thing is not to stop doing it as children learn from watching what's going on around them and the art of dinner and conversation is a really important thing to learn as it brings a lor of pleasure and interest later on in life. And teaches good table manners etc.. - so important to learn.

Sounds completely normal to me with children of that age!

It is chaotic but it is also so important to get children used to being in these kinds of situations.

Personally I could never have allowed the chaos to stop us from seeing family.

My children are now young adults, eldest son visits his grandmother now by himself, initiates it and arranges it by himself with her and drives himself to her house. Knows how to have an interesting and adult conversation with her. This is the result of us visiting them a lot when he was young, him forming a relationship with her and learning how to behave around the table and how adults interact.

The chaos does lesson as they get older!

I agree with you OP.
Taking children to someone else's house is usually a nightmare.

I have four children.
Two of them would have sat in their chair, and the other two definitely wouldn't.
One in particular was a nightmare to take out.

Children are all different.

When my DDs were that age I refused to eat with them at all for a while it was too stressful. Yanbu. I wouldn’t have taken my DDs anywhere there weren’t other children either.

I feel by the time some get to the grandparent stage it’s been SO long since they had babies about that they are bewildered by the fact that the parents are letting the kids rule the roost as they see it - ie choosing to breastfeed weeping 6 week old rather than just leaving them to cry while we sit through “relaxing” Sunday lunch. I swear I saw the confusion in my mum’s eyes and the unspoken “I would never have let my child…” when I fed my little one carefully mashed up veggies on a spoon rather than just handing her a leg of lamb and letting her gnaw or whatever. I think the memories of parenting small children just smoosh together and they remember how they told a 5 year old to sit down nicely at the table (and they did) and they think you can get the same result with the average 2 year old. No one’s fault.

I think next time either have everyone to yours/a pub near you, and/or hand out jobs to the grown ups. Little Jimmy has got his sticker book, dad he really wants you to help him with it. Gran you’ve got lots of experience with babies - could you show us how it’s done. Mum if you’ve finished eating would you mind following little Jimmy to the garden so I can finish mine?

I felt like this when going to a family members house when my child was little. It was not child friendly and it stressed me out. I put my foot down when I saw my niece playing with medication that nearly went in her mouth. They forgot they left the tablets out, and the scissors, and every other dangers item that shouldn’t be around small children. I know it is their house and no children lived there, but for the love of god put away harmful items if you know young children are visiting.

It’s much easier to go to the houses of other people with toddlers or babies.

their houses are usually childproofed and they have current experience of toddlers.

my pils was a nightmare for many years. So many bloody ornaments and so many dangerous areas!

I feel your pain OP. I had 3 under 3 and we rarely went anywhere for meals etc. Just too much aggravation. Toddlers cant be expected to sit quietly at a table with a load of boring grown ups. They want to do their own thing 😆

I know this is passive aggressive but I didn't hold a conversation with my parents when I brought 2 toddlers to visit them.

There was no help given. My parents wanted to see the toddlers and the house was no child proof.

I would start to answer a question,then deal with toddler. My parents would wait for an answer. Then I would tell them I forgot the question.

I made it really obvious that I could not hold a conversation and mind toddlers. The same with food. I left my food and said that dh and I take it in turns to eat at home. We did this when dc were toddlers.

This all got the message across and I visited a bit less often. No help was offered, mind.

I think you get to learn a lot about people when they watch others struggle. If literally no one there except your husband helped, or no one who had already finished eating offered to walk round with the baby or play cars (or whatever) with the older one so you could at least get a meal in then that’s a poor.

using the specific occasion of yesterday as an example.
That's my point. Why are you extrapolating from one example? It's all a bit overwrought and PFB.

DC1 is going through the terrible-twos.
DC1 has got a new sibling, that they are adjusting to.
You didn't ask for help.
It's no wonder that this one visit went a bit wrong.

Take a deep breath and remember that tomorrow is another day.

I think you have a managing expectations problem.

They are expecting to see cute baby and funny toddler who might have a cuddle or get up to some funny antics and they can enjoy their company for a little while.

You are expecting them to understand how your kids work and what their capabilities are and have a hands on approach to dealing with them.

They are expecting that you’ll be doing the parenting as we all do.

You are expecting that going there means you don’t have to do as much parenting as you’ll have some hands on help from extended family.

They are expecting your children to sit at the table and eat a meal.

You are expecting that your children will want to run around or be entertained continually.

None of these expectations are necessarily unreasonable. They just don’t match.

For my own family I would absolutely have an expectation that children would join us at the table for dinner and be able to sit through some adult chat and some child focused chat and interaction. That’s for my kids and for my grandkids too if I get any. And at any age. For my own personal expectation, a meal is a child friendly family event that is a centrepiece of family life. Babies are at the table with us, toddlers are at the table with us. The baby would be in the carrier at three months, the at six months they’d be in the high chair eating by themselves. Both keep the adults hands free so we can all eat together. By 2 weren’t using high chairs so naturally I wasn’t expecting them to be still all the time. But I spend a lot of time money and effort making dinner and dinner is an important and social time that can easily take 30-60 minutes on a normal day and longer on special days.

But as you can see by the amount of times I’ve said expectations- it’s about a mismatch of these. Nobody is wrong.

By the time your baby is six months and sitting in a high chair eating by themselves and your toddler is a little older, out of the high chair, sitting and eating by themselves the dynamic will change and you’ll all have hands and a bit of breathing room, it’s short lived.

Your parents and grandparents should have helped with your toddler – it's poor hosting not to and pretty unkind.

It’s weird that family didn’t help.. honestly I’d just not bother until the kids were older, I didn’t take mine to eat out either. Cut a big pile of stress out

The problem with avoiding it is that your kids miss the opportunity to learn - in a friendly environment- that there are different expectations of behaviour when you’re out from those at home. And the earlier your kids learn that, the easier it is to go “out out” and the more things you’ll be able to do as a family. I remember friends of mine with 5/6/7 year olds saying “oh, we can’t do x as Lucy won’t sit in a cafe/coffee shop…..” or whatever, and thinking how limiting that must be. It is a bit painful, I agree - but with family, surely you can ask for help/suggest that there’s a bit of entertainment for the children?