Why do men cheat? Lily Allen & David Harbour edition

David Harbour and Lily Allen had a seemingly good marriage,

'Seemingly' is doing an awful lot of heavy lifting in that sentence! You have no idea of what goes on in people's lives in private. Particulary with celebrities where people think they know them, but they don't. It's an image.

My ex DH cheated. We had a wonderful life, beautiful home, amazing children and good jobs. It took one night for that to go away.

One day I had everything, and when I woke up the next day it was all gone. It changed me, I became hardened. It’s like it took a piece of my soul. I had never felt pain like it, I was grieving for a man still alive.

Now I’m in social housing, in a crap job that I don’t like, he left us destitute.

Sorry I’m rambling, but I asked him why once and he told me that it was the biggest mistake of his life. The reason why he did it was because his group of friends all visited a brothel, and they all cheated.

There most certainly is such a thing as a ghost writer for music and songs.

In my case with the ex, he literally wanted to have his cake and eat it. We were married, owned a house, had a 3yr old and I was pregnant with our 2nd baby (a very much planned baby!) only to find out he was having an affair with a colleague that had been going on for well over a year. It was all ego for him. I was the boring, pregnant wife, she was the responsibility free, carefree ego boost. I kicked him out in the spot.

There are as many reasons to cheat as there are cheaters:

• Boredom in the marriage/cabin fever
• Incompatibility
• Insecurity/lack of trust
• Compulsive inability to be satisfied having sex with the same person
• A marriage having genuinely run its course and cheating is the catalyst needed to leave

But I personally think marriage is a real millstone and something which far too many people enter into far too quickly and easily.

This is a great example of two people who should never have got married in the first place.

Many people get married too young, too soon and for the wrong reasons.

NB: some children’s books also.

Oh thats interesting. Buying credit for anothers artistic outputs should be illegal really. Why didn’t she just credit him on the track? That would’ve cost less upfront and been more ethical.

@Bambamhoohoo I work in music , you are very wrong - a lot of songwriters are ‘bought out’ and the artist credited - a very well known female singer songwriter from a good few years ago has all songs credited to her, she didn’t write a thing , but I know the guy who wrote them all and he was paid handsomely to sign over and keep his mouth shut and he’s done it for several artists too

Why do you think she didn’t write the songs?

writing credits are published- there is no such thing as a ghost writer for music. If you mean other people were involved in the song writing- yes- it’s rare for any song writer to do so alone- but you seem to have assumed her involvement was minimal and I wonder where you got that idea from?

I mean, probably the same reason she cheated on her first husband. I think mostly it's an ego boost. Once you've been together a while it's easy to not feel wanted or important especially with all the other stuff life being.

And I can't speak for everyone who cheats. But they were a famous couple, both with sketchy personalities and past issues, in a open relationship. As far as I can tell he just 'broke a rule' of their open marriage. Not defending that necessarily. If you agree to something in a relationship you should stick with it. But sleeping around is sleeping around. And I think it's very hypocritical to take the moral high road when you've done the same in the past.

She's a good singer and he's a good actor. I enjoy their work. But neither of them are right. Probably better off apart.

I strongly doubt she wrote all the songs - she will have a ghost writer if she says she does.
She may have been present while they were getting written.
I can’t stand either of them.
I have listened to her podcast and find her very teenaged in her thinking. It’s cringe inducing.
He seems like a total arsehole.
And agree with poster who feels sad for her kids.

Because it's thrilling and provides a huge ego boost to have someone lusting after you and pursuing you, especially if you've been in your relationship a while and things have got a bit stale and you perhaps feel a bit invisible.

I've not cheated, but felt I potentially could a couple of years back, so told DH what I needed more of - date nights, compliments, flirting, a more interesting sex life.

I completely get WHY people cheat, but don't understand HOW they have the nerve to do it and be so secretive and treat their partner with such a total lack of respect.

I love Lily Allen’s new album and all her previous albums. If she’s the artiste she’s incredible and so intelligent and artistic. The writing is impeccable

Yes exactly 👌..
Wouldn’t be for me , I couldn’t cope with the guilty conscience ..

Usually because they stop desiring their partner. You can be ‘comfortable’ with a long term partner, but it’s not the same thing. People want passion and desire and excitement. People on MN seem to act as if attraction isn’t important, but it’s a really strong, basic, biological drive.

I feel some sympathy for her inasmuch as if her lyrics of the new album are anything to go by - she tried to accept his needs for sex outside their marriage - having both had failed marriages & infidelities of their own making. I think she felt gaslit into agreeing to him getting his needs met elsewhere as long as it wasn’t “emotional” & given she’d used sex workers herself in her own previous marriage, maybe felt like this was a modern, grown up approach at monogamy in a relationship now. Then found out he’d had a 3year thing with his colleague.

Not btw condoning infidelity, the use of sex workers or anything.

I think this is a big part of it - some people get hooked on that initial ‘rush’ when they connect with someone and when life down the years gets a bit groundhog day and gas negative aspects - can’t cope with it -male and female

Didn’t she cheat on her exhusband with sex workers?

He didn’t give her a choice but at that point could have told him to FO.

If you are daft enough to tell your spouse 'it's ok to cheat, within certain limits' you can't really claim to be surprised when he/she goes beyond those limits.

Because being married to Lily Allen meant he could not be a decent person? I mean, if she’s a nightmare (I’ve no idea, perhaps she is, perhaps not) that doesn’t mean he was forced to shag someone else. He could have just said….sorry, this isn’t for me, before sticking it somewhere else. Couldn’t he? Don’t think anyone held a gun to his head?

I don’t know how people find the energy. But seriously, I can’t fathom how you would do that to someone you love. I’m very clear with dh, he’d be gone. Financially I’ve made sure I choose to be with him and am not financially reliant on him due to friends being screwed over. I can’t imagine dh cheating though - hopefully he won’t. He’s a terrible liar so I’m sure he’d crumble quickly.

People cheat cause it’s new & exciting, an escape ..
You’re going to be attracted to & get on well with more than one person in your whole life when married, some people choose to act on it ..
Dangerous ground in my opinion, is people that are attracted to one another that get on well & work together ..
Others then do it on nights out for excitement & wouldn’t necessarily embark on an affair ..
People want to feel that rush again that you feel on first encounters…

I agree. But I think it's actually a point worth making that some of the most gorgeous women in the world have been cheated on (e.g. Cheryl Cole).

Because I think it's so common for women (especially) to feel that being cheated on is a knock to their sexual confidence and their sense of their own attractiveness. And sometimes cheating men will deliberately encourage that feeling.

But actually, a cheater is just always going to cheat, regardless of how attractive their partner is.

David Harbour has some well documented serious mental health and addiction issues and Lily Allen has also had some very messy relationships and issues so I don’t think they are the best example for your point.

I read yesterday that they had an open marriage with an agreement he could sleep with other women only if it was random one offs or involved payment and was never discussed or public.
I feel very sorry for her children.