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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that people treat me badly because of my looks?

133 replies

Ethina · 24/10/2025 00:32

Today a man screamed at me and my two friends after we attenpted to move a chair in a cafe which accidentally bumped into his chair. Literally that. He said ‘you need to stop, stop stop stop stop stop’ to me, he repeated that around ten times, then shouted ‘shut up’ to my friend when she interjected. He then shouted a few more things before he went back to work on his laptop. It was surreal. We’re all in our fifties and sixties, he was probably around 30.

The guy was huge, he was wearing the uniform of a nearby gym and it turns out he is an instructor there. I assume he felt completely comfortable raising his voice to us, knowing that he would not be challenged on his behaviour.

I feel like this sort of thing is happening more often than it used to. Maybe not to the level of shouting or intimidation like today, but people are unfriendly much quicker than they used to be, over trivial matters. My only theory is that it’s because I’ve aged, and often look scruffy and tired. I don’t think I’ve changed how I interact with people, the only thing that’s changed over the years is my appearance. If anything I try to be as polite and friendly as possible these days. I don’t think I’m being more sensitive than I used to be. I’ve lived in the same area for a long time so I have a basis for comparison over time.

My mother used to say that you turn invisible at a certain age - I don’t mind invisible, but being treated unkindly (or worse) over nothing is a step too far.

My looks: I won’t post a picture but I look my age, average weight, usually dressed in non fashionable trainers and a tracksuit, I don’t do botox or manicures, don’t wear much make up, don’t do my hair, look tired. Harassed looking but clean probably sums it up. Shouldn’t be causing the above but nothing else could possibly be going on.

OP posts:
NokiaRock · 24/10/2025 06:57

He sounds like an angry, abusive prick man. There are a lot of them about.

I’m sure he and his type are more likely to be aggressive towards women, especially older women. Whether your individual looks play into it, who knows?

The guy was a bully and bullies attack those they perceive as weaker than them.

Owly11 · 24/10/2025 06:56

I think there is a mixture of things happening. In this particular incident this guy is clearly unhinged with possibly drugs and misogyny at play. In general, society has got ruder and more narcissistic - people feel more entitled and selfish and don't feel they have to consider others. Misogyny is also on the rise. And yes, older middle age women are a particular target for venom - they have no use to men any more and yet tend to be more assertive and take less shit than younger women - think of the Karen phenomenon which is embraced even by younger women too. Good looking people do get treated better by others so if you are both older and not good looking yes you will be being treated worse. And for you there is a wound around your looks because of your mother so being treated worse because of how you look really bothers you in a way it might not bother others so much. Perhaps others don't notice more subtle shifts in others' responses to them but you perhaps see it even when it isn't particularly there such as the incident with this out of control lunatic. I hope you have reported him to the gym.

Mapletree1985 · 24/10/2025 06:55

Guavafish1 · 24/10/2025 05:18

I would contact his work and tell the manager

I don’t think it’s got anything to do with your looks - it’s all about people being rude and entitled now. No community spirit.

my father was punched over a parking dispute… and the car didn’t even belong to him!

Oh god no there's no need to escalate the incident.

Mapletree1985 · 24/10/2025 06:54

He shouted at you because he's an arsehole, and possibly off his rocker or perpetually simmering with rage like so many men these days. Your looks have nothing to do with it. It's a little sad that we'd think a woman being older and frumpier would somehow explain a man's outrageous behaviour. It's not our job to placate them by being youthful and fuckable. He is entirely responsible for his own dreadful character.

whimsicallyprickly · 24/10/2025 06:50

Eaglemom · 24/10/2025 06:45

Well he was clearly triggered by her just walking past so i wouldnt trust what he would do if she xhallemged hos behaviour in any way. Just saying its understandable if she didn't feel safe standing up for herself in this situation and its more a reflection on angry steroid man than her.

I think the OP said that she knocked his chair. I agree that she doesn't have to do or say anything to this horrible man nor does she have to report him or ask for help if she doesn't want to. You're right.

I think the point I'm making is that if we go through life not shining our light and sometimes actively dimming our light because we're trying to fit in.....then we are potentially going to be treated in ways we don't appreciate

But of course, staying safe is critical 🥰

minvee · 24/10/2025 06:49

OP, this has nothing to do with you (or how you look) and everything to do with him.

BlueJuniper94 · 24/10/2025 06:48

Hardhats · 24/10/2025 01:03

I’m not sure what relevance your looks have, if he was confronting all 3 of you. It’s not like he singled you out, plus you admit you bumped his chair so I would assume he was pissy over that as opposed to you aging.

We need to be able to rub along together more successfully than that though, a bumped chair does not justify this man's psychotic outburst.

It might be something more to do with the unravelling of our social fabric

Eaglemom · 24/10/2025 06:45

whimsicallyprickly · 24/10/2025 06:43

She doesn't have to square up to him physically 🤣🤣

Well he was clearly triggered by her just walking past so i wouldnt trust what he would do if she xhallemged hos behaviour in any way. Just saying its understandable if she didn't feel safe standing up for herself in this situation and its more a reflection on angry steroid man than her.

Tiebiter · 24/10/2025 06:45

I've noticed an uptick in men generally but particularly older men (60s) being aggressive and shouty with me and dc for no reason. We recently went for a meal in a standard chain restaurant and this guy just started shouting at my dc for talking (they were not being at all disruptive).

Dh has also noticed it and commented he thinks we are getting more abuse from men when he's not obviously with us, like dawdling behind us when shopping so people don't realize he's with us.

It feels like they're the standard reform voter and now feels emboldened to be the twat they always wanted to be.

whimsicallyprickly · 24/10/2025 06:43

Eaglemom · 24/10/2025 06:42

Some people dont feel they can stand up to others who are 3x bigger than them and clearly aggressive. Understandable really.

She doesn't have to square up to him physically 🤣🤣

Eaglemom · 24/10/2025 06:42

whimsicallyprickly · 24/10/2025 06:26

How strange that you'd think it's to do with the way you appear. I cant see how the way you present to the world would make people feel more angry towards you

I can see that if a person sort of fades into the background, then they might be ignored more than those who don't fade

I'm a similar age to you and absolutely no way would I allow someone to shout at me or disrespect me

Why would you allow it?

Some people dont feel they can stand up to others who are 3x bigger than them and clearly aggressive. Understandable really.

Whattodo1122 · 24/10/2025 06:39

Please report him to the gym or even better the head office, awful behaviour.

TheaBrandt1 · 24/10/2025 06:39

50 but quite trendy and make an effort and am quite confident. I don’t get treated badly in public. Also the perving from men has stopped. Maybe I’m in the sweet spot?! Interesting to see when my looks go further as I age maybe it will change?

whimsicallyprickly · 24/10/2025 06:28

Slightyamusedandsilly · 24/10/2025 05:59

Definitely report him to his employer. If he's wearing his work uniform and acting aggressively towards elderly people in public, he isn't exactly representing the company well.

Elderly? Biscuit

Are you 8? 🙄

whimsicallyprickly · 24/10/2025 06:26

How strange that you'd think it's to do with the way you appear. I cant see how the way you present to the world would make people feel more angry towards you

I can see that if a person sort of fades into the background, then they might be ignored more than those who don't fade

I'm a similar age to you and absolutely no way would I allow someone to shout at me or disrespect me

Why would you allow it?

Terfedout · 24/10/2025 06:26

Slightyamusedandsilly · 24/10/2025 05:59

Definitely report him to his employer. If he's wearing his work uniform and acting aggressively towards elderly people in public, he isn't exactly representing the company well.

Elderly 🤣🤣🤣 ffs

SweetnsourNZ · 24/10/2025 06:23

coxesorangepippin · 24/10/2025 02:24

He sounds unhinged

And I'd report him to the gym that he works in

Yes, especially if he was wearing their uniform. Unless he owns the place of course.

CagneyNYPD1 · 24/10/2025 06:19

Yep, Roid Rage.

Nothing to do with you or how you present yourself.

176509user · 24/10/2025 06:14

Eaglemom · 24/10/2025 04:58

My thoughts also went straight to roid rage. He was just a vile prick on steroids with his big ugly muscles. Gross.

This more likely than your looks,OP.

Steroids and a mysoginist.

Report to the gym.

MaidOfSteel · 24/10/2025 06:11

I showed your post to my husband, OP, and his reply was ‘nah, he’s just a dickhead.’

Nowadays, my middle aged couldn’t care less self would have asked him politely who the heck he thought he was talking to and told him to have more respect for his elders and betters!

Thepossibility · 24/10/2025 06:10

That sounds like roid rage, which has absolutely nothing to do with your appearance. I think you are maybe a bit self conscious so are taking people's outbursts personally?

Umy15r03lcha1 · 24/10/2025 06:03

Isittimeformynapyet · 24/10/2025 00:42

Do you think he shouted at all three of you for your looks?

It's sad that your thoughts go directly to your appearance instead of him just being a fruit loop. 'Roid rage perhaps?

Yes I immediately thought steroids

Slightyamusedandsilly · 24/10/2025 05:59

Definitely report him to his employer. If he's wearing his work uniform and acting aggressively towards elderly people in public, he isn't exactly representing the company well.

xSideshowAuntSallyXx · 24/10/2025 05:56

You could see he was working, did you say excuse me or anything like that? Did you apologise for banging his chair?

Being polite works both ways and has nothing to do with age or how you look. If you just moved the chair and didn't say anything then no wonder he said something(it can be bloody irritating when people knock into you). If you had said excuse me or something like that beforehand then that's different.

His reaction was extreme but doubt it had anything to do with your age and looks. In my experience, a lot of older people are rude to younger people as well.

Fatcatsinspats · 24/10/2025 05:55

It’s nothing to do with your looks. It was all to do with the fact that you as women had the audacity to annoy a steroid soaked entitled man.

I have encountered this male anger and aggression all my life, including the so called ‘pretty privilege’ years, I was also slender then.

If anything I have it less now I’m in my 60s because my body language reflects that I will stand up for myself and I don’t have to play the role of being overly feminine and pretty.