Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that people treat me badly because of my looks?

133 replies

Ethina · 24/10/2025 00:32

Today a man screamed at me and my two friends after we attenpted to move a chair in a cafe which accidentally bumped into his chair. Literally that. He said ‘you need to stop, stop stop stop stop stop’ to me, he repeated that around ten times, then shouted ‘shut up’ to my friend when she interjected. He then shouted a few more things before he went back to work on his laptop. It was surreal. We’re all in our fifties and sixties, he was probably around 30.

The guy was huge, he was wearing the uniform of a nearby gym and it turns out he is an instructor there. I assume he felt completely comfortable raising his voice to us, knowing that he would not be challenged on his behaviour.

I feel like this sort of thing is happening more often than it used to. Maybe not to the level of shouting or intimidation like today, but people are unfriendly much quicker than they used to be, over trivial matters. My only theory is that it’s because I’ve aged, and often look scruffy and tired. I don’t think I’ve changed how I interact with people, the only thing that’s changed over the years is my appearance. If anything I try to be as polite and friendly as possible these days. I don’t think I’m being more sensitive than I used to be. I’ve lived in the same area for a long time so I have a basis for comparison over time.

My mother used to say that you turn invisible at a certain age - I don’t mind invisible, but being treated unkindly (or worse) over nothing is a step too far.

My looks: I won’t post a picture but I look my age, average weight, usually dressed in non fashionable trainers and a tracksuit, I don’t do botox or manicures, don’t wear much make up, don’t do my hair, look tired. Harassed looking but clean probably sums it up. Shouldn’t be causing the above but nothing else could possibly be going on.

OP posts:
Feeelyouniq · 24/10/2025 10:33

Also, people saying steroids, could be, but just as likely coke, it's rife round here, and I've had a couple of run ins with the little rats whose eyeballs are bulging with it, makes them even more ragey.

Rosiedayss · 24/10/2025 09:59

I would absolutely report him to the Gym and tell them that I am reporting him to 101.
He sounds unhinged.
Likely steroid abuse, but should be reported.
He made an unhinged show of himself and the Gym he works for.

Agix · 24/10/2025 09:51

A gymbro acting like that is usually steroids. Nothing to do with you OP.

Laveritas · 24/10/2025 09:45

Don’t internalise this as a you problem..some people are just born assholes.

Greenwitchart · 24/10/2025 09:43

Nothing to do with your looks OP.

The man is just an entitled nutcase.

It might maybe have something to do with you being a woman though, because that type of bully would think twice about shouting like that if you were a big man because they know full well a woman is less likely to punch them in the face for being so rude...

It makes me sad when women in general internalise all the harmful messages from patriarchy/society about how their only value is being young and pretty. Don't let that play with your mind.

Booboobagins · 24/10/2025 09:36

His behaviour is his behaviour, don't make it your problem, leave it with him.

I'd report him to his employers tbh. What an AH.

You can change how you look/feel buy investing in a uniform - buy only trousers, skirts and dresses in styles that suit you. If you can buy tops that match multiple trousers/skirts so you can mix and match.

Have 2 lightweight fitted cardis you can wear our throw over your shoulders to pop on if it gets cold.

Buy a few pairs of shoes in different styles to go with yoyr outfits.

Have a hair cut

Have a facial

We've probably all felt like you - mine was when I was the breadwinner and had 2 young kids. I had no time for me. Getting my hair cut was the start of getting me back!

noidea69 · 24/10/2025 09:28

Probably more due to the fact he's a gym instructor and probably on steroids than your looks.

Jollyhockeystickss · 24/10/2025 09:27

Maybe he was having a bad day maybe his dad just died maybe he really didnt want his chair bashed we are all human...

Feeelyouniq · 24/10/2025 09:20

DBD1975 · 24/10/2025 08:00

Agree, I find the same, it is the patrionisastion which gets me x

I live somewhere where the endearment 'love' is used a lot, but the way men use it patronising ly towards me boils my piss. Even my husband's attitude has changed, I wouldn't mind but the decrepit old sod is ten years older than me! But men genuinely think they stay the same as they age, and that's the point I suppose, they do, same as women, but their self esteem seems to remain intact, there's definitely a negative societal bias towards women aging as opposed to men, it's like they're offended by it.

MsCactus · 24/10/2025 09:19

Also I second that you should report him to his employer. Power isn't about brute strength anymore - and you have as much power as anyone to impact his livelihood. You should flex that

MsCactus · 24/10/2025 09:18

I think your low self esteem is making you think it's your looks.

I'm objectively attractive and I have to be honest, there are still dickhead men everywhere. It's a them problem, not a you problem.

There may be something in it being sexism/because you're a woman though - my DH is a rugby player build and men are never as rude when I'm with him.

Myoldbear · 24/10/2025 09:05

As an older woman I find no confounding ingredient in my interactions with men.

No man is interested in me in any sexual way, and I am interested in no man. I think this makes conversation much easier and more enjoyable.

Regarding the cafe man, I think this is nothing to do with you in any sense and you were just unfortunate to cross paths with him.

I think he would have behaved the same to anyone, except maybe someone as large and powerful as himself.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 24/10/2025 09:05

I don’t think it’s your appearance.

I agree with you that I have experienced a huge increase in the number of very angry men around at the moment.

In your particular case, my theory is steroids.

I am sorry that happened to you. Hope you are ok.

idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams · 24/10/2025 09:01

I do think women are treated differently as we age, but what you have described doesn't sound like that op. It sounds like an awful encounter with a very angry twat who might have blown up at any woman tbh. Report that fucker to his employer. He is doing shit like that while in their uniform - they should know.

ACR7 · 24/10/2025 08:53

I’ve personally never found this. Im
not putting myself down but I’ve never been a beauty. I wouldn’t say hideous but definitely not a traditional ‘looker’. I’m slim at the minute but I’ve been a host of weights over the years too. I honestly have never felt any man has spoken badly to me due to this or treated me any kind of way. If anything I’ve worked with lots of men over the years and have always found them really easy to work with. Maybe because they don’t fancy me they just treat me normally. I’m sure pretty privilege is a thing but I’m not sure the reverse exists. At least not for me. Others may have had different experiences. I’ve of course met unpleasant people but never put it down to my looks.

Helphjjjjb · 24/10/2025 08:48

NuffSaidSam · 24/10/2025 00:36

In this scenario he was obviously a nutcase. I hope you have reported it to the gym.

If general, I think there are just more undressed mental health problems and a general move towards rudeness. I think it's more likely this than your appearance tbh.

This.

I also wonder whether online rudeness and the inability to tolerate diverse opinions is starting to spill into real life.

TwistyTurnip · 24/10/2025 08:48

The man sounds like an aggressive bully OP. Pretty much like my brother, who is also a gym nut and has taken steroids in the past which made him extremely aggressive and unpleasant to be around. This isn’t anything to do with your looks so please don’t think it was anything to do with you 💐

TimeForATerf · 24/10/2025 08:43

Probably taking steroids and cannot control his rage.

Boilerwoe · 24/10/2025 08:43

You were with friends and he screamed at them as well

Comeonbabylightmyfire · 24/10/2025 08:42

I doubt it was how you look, it’s an odd assumption imo.

People are ruder in general. You could have been a twenty year old and still got that reaction.

He behaved badly but you have low self worth to have assumed that it was due to your age, what you’re wearing and how you look.

He was wearing his uniform so representing the gym, report him for his attitude.

Wildgoat · 24/10/2025 08:39

For the life of me I can’t work out why you think it’s your looks. Unless what you’re actually saying is you feel you used to present as attractive and now feel you don’t so men don’t treat you kindly.

this is just some impatient weirdo, it’s sod all to do with your looks.

user1471538283 · 24/10/2025 08:37

I'm older as well and as you were with friends I'd have shouted back. If he's like this in public imagine him at home? I'd also report him to the gym.

I think COVID just allowed horrible people to be horrible. Years of being governed by selfishness has dropped down.

ClairDeLaLune · 24/10/2025 08:34

Clutchball · 24/10/2025 01:53

I’d be tempted to contact the gym. ‘Just checking in on one of your employees that screamed at three women in a cafe yesterday, he seemed to be having some form of an episode.’

Definitely do this. He’s probably on steroids causing him to be aggressive. What a pathetic weak specimen of a “man”. Acting macho by bullying women. Probably has a teeny tiny penis.

Hardhats · 24/10/2025 08:29

BlueJuniper94 · 24/10/2025 06:48

We need to be able to rub along together more successfully than that though, a bumped chair does not justify this man's psychotic outburst.

It might be something more to do with the unravelling of our social fabric

I’m not justifying his actions, to the contrary. I merely said that’s more likely the reason he made those actions as opposed to OP’s level of aging, you know - as per the OP?

WhenDiedreMetKen · 24/10/2025 08:26

Frozensun · 24/10/2025 00:49

I think post-covid people are a lot more unfriendly. Everyone used to return a greeting when walking, but now generally people avert their eyes when faced with nteraxtion. As to the guy, I would feedback to the gym. It’s abuse. Not a good look for their business.

This, people have become very me me me since covid.